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A Disabled Muslimah: “How Can I Deal with My Sexual Desires?”

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Apr 26, 2019

Question

Assalamualaikum.

I am a 21-year-old from the USA. I have LGMD 2D.

LGMD2D is an inherited condition that causes deterioration of the skeletal muscles, especially those around the hips and shoulders. Most of the time this disease is diagnosed during childhood when the affected individual begins to have trouble with tasks like walking, climbing the stairs, and rising from a sitting position. LGMD2D is a progressive disease, and muscles will continue to waste, often leading the patient to require a wheelchair.

There is no cure for this disorder. I am 90% depended physically on others’ help for everything. As I am a young person, I also have sexual desires and I know that in a society like today no one is going to marry me with the health condition I have. I can't fast either due to my health.

I have read a hadith that: Abdullaah ibn Masood said, "We were with the Prophet (peace & blessings be upon him): while we were young and had no wealth whatsoever. So, Allah's Messenger (peace & blessings be upon him): said, "O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e. his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse etc.), and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power." Bukhari:5066.

I know it but my problem is like I said above I can't get married or fast. So now I have started masturbating for the past few months. I feel so ashamed after doing it and I have sworn by Allah many times not to return to the act but again the feelings get so strong that I have made the same mistake time and time again.

I feel so bad, like Allah SWT would never forgive me. I am so ashamed and frustrated because I cannot find a solution. I know that masturbation (for both men and women) is haram (forbidden) in Islam. I have tried to understand and search on the internet but couldn't find any answer for the situation like mine.

Please advise me on what to do, thank you.

Counselor

Answer


A Disabled Muslimah: “How Can I Deal with My Sexual Desires?”

In this counseling answer:

• Seek a husband without allowing your preconceived ideas about what all men are looking to prevent you from trying.

• Whether you do or do not find a spouse, you are still in receipt of contact reward for enduring the trial that you face with your deteriorating health and that is something to be thankful for, even if it often does not feel that way.

• Engaging in more tasks that will strengthen your connection with Allah will also increase your fear of Him that you fear to commit acts that will be displeasing to Him.


Assalamualaikum sister,

Your situation certainly is a very specific one so it is understandable why you have had a hard time finding any solution for this.

Possibility of marriage

As you have stated and provided evidence for, getting married is the first solution to dealing with the feelings that you are facing. You have also stated that this is not an option for you due to the nature of your disability. However, I would like to begin by challenging this. Just because you have a disability does not mean that you should not or cannot get married. Unfortunately, you may face more challenges than someone without a disability may face, but it is not impossible.

karim serageldin & naaila clay

Whilst there are men who will disregard a woman from the start because of a disability, there are others who do not; those that marry a woman due to her personality regardless of whether she has a disability or not. Some men do understand that just because a woman has a disability it does not mean she can’t have a fulfilling marital life. I would suggest that you do go ahead and seek a husband without allowing your preconceived ideas about what all men are looking to prevent you from trying.

Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophetﷺ said, “A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So, you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser. (Sahih al-Bukhari 5090)

So, as you see the best of men will be those that look at your religion and not whether you have a disability or not.

Benefits of marriage

You can even draw some positives from your scenario. To know that a man is solely marrying you for who you are as a person and not how you look can be incredibly satisfying. Often men will marry purely due to attractive looks only to go on and find out that their spouse has a less than favorable personality as they pursue marital life. For a woman to know that she was only married on this ground she can become heartbroken as well as ending up in a failing marriage.

Of course, this is not always the case, but simply knowing that you were selected by your spouse as a result of your character can be such a blessing. This allows you to be confident that your spouse is marrying you for the right reasons. This further allows you to almost naturally filter out the men who have shallow approaches to marriage who focus more on your personality ensuring that the man you marry is a respectable and humble man.

Patience

This process may take some time and patience, but the rewards at the end will be great. Whether you do or do not find a spouse, you are still in receipt of contact reward for enduring the trial that you face with your deteriorating health and that is something to be thankful for, even if it often does not feel that way.

Allah says, “O My servants who have believed, fear your Lord. For those who do good in this world is good, and the earth of Allah is spacious. Indeed, the patient will be given their reward without account.” (Qur’an, 39:10)

Alternative ways to control your desire

In the meantime, the option to use the recommended act of fasting as a means to control your desires is not an option for you. However, there are alternative ways in which you can achieve the same results as one who is fasting.

Strengthening your connection with Allah

Engaging in more tasks that will strengthen your connection with Allah will also increase your fear of Him that you fear to commit acts that will be displeasing to Him. You can do this by increasing the amount of time that you spend making dhikr (remembrance and supplication) and reading the Qur’an for example. Furthermore, there is much to learn about Islam even for the learned scholar, so studying a particular aspect of Islam that takes your fancy is another way to increase this link.

Avoid situations that heighten the desire

You might even consider where possible doing some of the tasks outlined above in a group setting with other sisters; a study group or halaqah (seminar) for example. This will not only make the task more pleasurable for you, but it will also bring good friends into your life that can encourage you positively as well as keep you busy from scenarios where you may be tempted commit sins due to being alone. Who knows, perhaps they may even know of a good brother who is seeking marriage. This is another way to expand your network and the opportunities available to you.


Check out this counseling video:


Beyond this, avoid situations that may increase your desire and make you more likely to sin, such as free mixing or even watching or reading material that may stimulate your desires further. You can also identify yourself if there is anything in particular that seems to trigger the feelings and lead you to masturbation. This will help you to consider ways to avoid such things, or at least approach them in such a way that reduces the feelings of desire.

Summary

Your current diagnosis makes you feel like it is impossible to achieve what you need and so far, you have been using less favorable means to satisfy these desires as you feel you cannot abide by those that are recommended in Islam. You are feeling ashamed of this, but these are some other ways to approach your situation that are in line with the principles of Islam.

The first thing you can do is to seek marriage. Disability should not prevent this. It adds extra difficulties but is not impossible. In the meantime, you can control your desires in other ways by strengthening your connection with Allah and avoiding the things that tempt you to fulfill your desires in a more displeasing way.

May Allah guide you on the straight path and reward your patience. May He bring you happiness in this life and the next.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Does Disability Prevent Marriage?

How Should Muslims Look at Disability?

Living With Disability in a Disabled Country




About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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