I hope you are doing well. I have tried to get help regarding the following issues from many people, but I couldn't move on. Please help.
I was in an abusive marriage where I was pretty much abused 24/7 by my husband and his family. He cheated on me, he was a drunkard. He threatened to divorce me if I didn't give him the sponsorship papers.
He went back home and got married again. We are separated, not divorced. Even though I am the one suffering in this case, I am painted as the bad person, the one without character because I couldn't keep him satisfied with me.
My question is this, he and his family ruined my life but he is back home enjoying himself with his new wife. Why aren't they being punished for ruining someone's life?
Isn't Islam supposed to be all about justice? Where is the justice in this? How am I supposed to move on in life when they mess up everything? Thank you.
Answer
In this counseling session:
- You asked about justice and how they can move on so happily after all they did to you.
- Take some comfort in knowing he will be held accountable for all he does. You do not need to worry about justice, for his deeds are already written and he will answer for them.
- “And never think that Allah is unaware of what the wrongdoers do. He only delays them for a Day when eyes will stare [in horror].” [Quran 14:42]
- Seek happiness for yourself Sister, do what you need to go after a happier life. That is telling him “you have no power over me” and taking back the reins.
- Block him and all his family, do not engage with them at all.
- Consider professional counseling.
- Secure your full legal divorce.
Assalamu alaikum,
Thank you for taking the time to write and share your concerns with us. It is my understanding you were in an abusive marriage that also involved adultery, substance abuse, and an attempt to force you into visa sponsorship.
My dear Sister, it sounds like this man only married you for citizenship and wanted to party in the United States while using and abusing you.
According to what you said, this man does not show Islamic character or decency of heart and in all honesty, I highly doubt his new marriage is as happy as they portray online. You know the type of man he is, that does not change simply because he married someone else.
I want you to listen to this part and read it over if you need to, BLOCK ALL OF THEM. Sister, you have no reason to engage with him or his toxic family. If they support this type of behavior, even looking at them online will only bring hardship.
Ensure they are all blocked on all forms of social media, numbers blocked on your phone and make the intention to not speak with any of them ever again. They are your past, not your future.
You mention he was physically abusive to you and threatening, if you feel this woman could potentially be in danger as their marriage develops, you may want to reach out and explain to her all he did to you so she knows the type of man she is dealing with.
I do not encourage you to engage with her long-term, but if you feel she is in danger, let her know then disengage and block all of them.
Justice
You asked about justice and how they can move on so happily after all they did to you. You are correct Sister; Islam does advocate for justice and all souls will be held accountable. We each have our scroll of deeds and we are told that on judgment day even our hands and eyes will speak of the actions we committed.
Take some comfort in knowing he will be held accountable for all he does. You do not need to worry about justice, for his deeds are already written and he will answer for them.
“And never think that Allah is unaware of what the wrongdoers do. He only delays them for a Day when eyes will stare [in horror].”
Seek happiness for yourself Sister, do what you need to go after a happier life. That is telling him “you have no power over me” and taking back the reigns. He is nothing unless you allow him to be. Take back your power Sister. Make frequent duaa for this and remember Allah (swt) knows your heart and situation.
Check out this counseling video:
Divorce
Sister, you mention you are not fully divorced legally. Please take the steps to do this NOW. He cannot contest it or ask for anything. Please make a plan within the next week to visit your local courthouse and get the appropriate paperwork to file for divorce.
Of course, he cannot attend the court hearing, but he does not need to. Dependent upon your state, the laws are different in terms of how this works with a foreign marriage, but ultimately, he cannot fight this divorce and has zero say in what happens.
It is a great blessing he is not in the country with you as he could have filed for financial support as you were his sponsor and that lasts up to 10 years.
The moment he was out of the country for 6 months, he invalidated his visa and your statement about his actions towards you proves it was immigration fraud. You may want to contact an immigration attorney to ensure this is documented in an appropriate legal way to ensure he can never enter this country again.
Sister, this is a form of justice you can enact against him. You can bar him from ever entering the United States. No matter what type of visa is offered or what he does, because he committed visa fraud and broke immigration law.
He entered with the intention of using you, it was not a bona fide marriage as he deceived you about his intentions and tried to force you into sponsoring him. Ban him from the United States Sister and say alhamdulillah because you might be protecting future American women he may try to use if his current marriage fails. That is legal justice you can enact.
Counseling
Sister, it is possible you have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) from this abusive situation. I encourage you to consider professional counseling to unpack all of this and move forward. I speak to you as someone who endured an abusive marriage and struggled with PTSD myself, it takes time Sister, but you can heal and become stronger.
Please do not seek out new relationships with men until you have healed, it will be difficult to trust them and may trigger unresolved emotions that need to be processed.
Visualization
I would like you to try a visualization exercise. Sit in a comfortable location, close your eyes, and imagine the happiest place you can think of. A place that brings you peace and calm, for some this might be a beach or the favorite room of their house. See yourself in that location, pay attention to what is around you.
For example, if you are imagining a beach, think about the sound of the waves, the smell of the fresh sea air, the feeling of sand between your feet, and the tranquility of such a beautiful place. You can think of it as your happy place, see what your happy place looks like in your mind.
Whenever you are struggling emotionally or feel angry at him for the past, close your eyes and bring yourself back to this happy place. Stay in that moment as long as you need to calm your emotions and feel centered again.
While you are in this happy place, you can also utilize deep breathing. Slowly breathing into a 4 count, and out to a 4 count with deep breaths. Inshallah this exercise of breathing in your happy place will calm your emotions and bring you greater peace.
Final Thoughts
Here is a summary of your next steps moving forward.
- If you feel she is in danger, warn her of his character then disengage.
- Block him and all his family, do not engage with them at all
- Go after what makes you happy
- Consider professional counseling
- Secure your full legal divorce
- Consider notifying an immigration attorney about his wrongful immigration actions to ban him from the United States
- Utilize deep breathing in your happy place to find more calmness and peace
I know this man hurt you, but it is a blessing he is out of this country and no longer poses any threat to you. You can heal and move forward with a happier life inshallah. May Allah (swt) heal your heart and protect you, ameen.
Salam,
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