I am working as a doctor in India. I would like to get an answer for a very serious and sad issue I am facing now.
I am 25 years old and got married 1.5 years ago. After a few months of my marriage, I find out about my husband’s relationship with a girl he used to work with. My husband is a pediatrician, a very humble person, got really good knowledge of Islam and eschatology. Masha Allah. He had taught me a lot about Islam.
What I got to learn from him is that he had an intimate relationship with this girl before our marriage. He promised her to marry her. She was married when they met and got divorced, got pregnant with my husband and they had to do abortion. Now after our marriage, what my husband explains is that he cannot be happy with me. The things he did to her is haunting him and is willing to marry her. He doesn’t want to divorce me. I am 9 months pregnant now and I am having a really bad time. I am forced to agree with the second marriage and I really cannot help my husband with this.
My mother divorced my father and I was brought up by my second father. I have had a bad childhood and now when I thought that things are going to get better, these things are happening to me. The girl he wishes to marry is a good person. I am in touch with her. She initially agreed for the second marriage because my husband told her that he doesn’t like me and was forced to marry me. Nobody forced him to marry me. It was him who found me and fought with his parents to marry me. But now she thinks that she’s going to ruin my life and is not willing to marry him. Her parents also will never agree to the second marriage. Neither my parents nor his parents. He is giving a hard time to me, his parents and her parents are also constantly contacting her.
She tried to block him through all the social media, but he finds a new way to contact her. She is telling that she wants to move on, but he comes as an obstacle in between. I tried to speak to my husband about this, but he feels I am lying to him. He says that he loves her now and doesn’t want her to marry someone else. Moreover, it’s the guilt he has for her and he feels only by marrying her, he will be free from this guilt. He is torturing me by saying that I am not obeying the rules of Islam because Islam is readily advising men to marry more than one and is complaining that I don’t agree with his decision.
I can never agree with the second marriage. Instead, I would like to have a divorce and stay away from him. I am going to have a baby soon. The depression I am going through is affecting my child and me. I soon will go mad and it’s very hard for me to see my husband in this state.
Please help me. Am I good enough to take this decision? Please find me a solution. Is my husband right? Apparently, someone has put in his mind that no matter what he should marry her to clear off his sins. I don’t think that will help him because neither I nor she will be happy. And he quotes Rasulullah when he talks about multiple marriages, but I am sure Prophet had his reasons and all his wives were more than happy and lucky to be his wife. Please find my husband a solution. Kindly help us out.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Attend counseling with your husband with an imam so that he can advise your husband correctly on the hadith that he is quoting as well as the responsibilities with polygamy.
• Consider all your options right now regarding whether to stay or go or if there are alternatives that fall in between.
• Make plenty of istikhara so Allah will guide you to make the best decision.
• Amongst all this, make sure to look after yourself.
Wa Alaikum salaam wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh sister,
This certainly sounds like a stressful situation that needs resolving quickly due to your pregnancy. You had been happy in your marriage to a man who was knowledgeable in Islam until things turned upside down when you found out he had been intimate with someone else previously and got her pregnant which was aborted. Your husband now feels that he must take her on as a second wife and has even told her lies about your history with him to try and convince her.
Polygamy
Of course, as you know, a man is permitted to marry a second wife. However, there are conditions attached to this, such as being able to treat them fairly.
‘And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice].’ (Qur’an, 4:3)
Many men abuse this right and do not give all their spouses their due right. There are many who conduct polygamy fairly, yet it is something that women have difficulty accepting as they do not want to share their husband.
Check out this counseling video:
Seek counseling
Regarding this matter, you might seek marital counseling either from a traditional counselor, or even your local imam. He will be able to advise you regarding this to ensure that your husband is fully aware of the responsibility he is taking on and understands the hadith and Qur’an that he keeps quoting you, as well as understanding that having a history with her does make it necessary for him to marry her. Your husband may be more receptive to hearing these things from a learned imam than you and it will also take the pressure of constant blame off you.
As well as being clear regarding second marriage, if you still feel that you want to divorce him, then seeking counseling will be good for you to at least try and make things work out first.
In Islam, marriage is very highly regarded for many reasons, including providing a source of comfort and protection.
‘…They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them…’ (Qur’an, 2:187)
Try everything to make it work first
Right now, you probably don’t feel like you are getting these benefits from marriage. Counseling may be a means to make things better between you that you can get these benefits. If things don’t change after this, then at least you can rest assured knowing that you have tried everything you can to make it work.
All too often people walk away from marriage when they enter difficulty, only to look back with regret. Trying everything to make it work first will make sure that you don’t live with this regret should you chose to walk away.
Consider all options
Walking away from your marriage without considering all of your options is not recommended. Instead, spend time considering your options and what could happen if you take these options.
Firstly, there are the 2 extremes; to stay without question, or to leave and divorce without question. Consider both these options and the consequences, both good and bad for you and your baby.
You might also consider options that take a middle ground, such as going away to stay with family for a few days to take a break from the situation and be in a better space to consider these things more clearly.
You can write these things down so you can look back at it over the days as your mind goes through different things. Reconsider the options again and add to the list as you think of other things, or your heart changes.
You could give yourself a certain time frame to make these decisions so that you don’t sit around considering them for so long that you never make a choice. During this time, make lots of istikhara and ask Allah to guide you to make the correct choice that is best for you all and most pleasing to Him.
Self-care
Most importantly, right now, you are 9 months pregnant and need to take good care of yourself for the sake of your baby as well as yourself. You have been so focused on the issue with your husband that you have probably had little time to think of yourself and your baby, who will soon be joining you, in sha Allah.
You are correct that any stress you are going through will be affecting your baby. So, it is very important that you try to control this and remain physically as well as psychologically fit ready for their impending arrival.
Gentle exercise
At 9 months pregnant, you probably don’t much feel like moving around too much, but it is important to remain a little bit active as it will get you prepared for labor as well as keeping your muscles in shape. This can be achieved by taking a gentle stroll. This also has secondary effects in terms of psychological benefits also.
Exercise releases certain chemicals into the body that are known to boost feelings of happiness and positivity which is exactly what you need right now.
Eat well
Of course, this is probably advice you have received from your doctor, but it is both important for your baby and for yourself and again, eating good foods is also good for your mind during stressful times.
Be with others
Make sure to spend time with family and friends as this is also good for your psychological wellbeing. This is not necessarily to talk about your situation, but it is a means to spend time away from the situation, doing something that makes you happy and provides you with some relief from the situation that is causing you so much trouble right now. These are the people who will be able to support you during pregnancy and with your baby once they are here too, which will be a big help to you.
Pray
Amongst all the difficulties you are facing, never neglect your duties to Allah. Continue to pray and find solace in His remembrance.
‘Those who have believed and whose hearts are assured by the remembrance of Allah. Unquestionably, by the remembrance of Allah hearts are assured.’ (Qur’an, 13:28)
Finding comfort with Allah and taking your problems to Him will ease a huge burden as you have confidence that He will guide you to make the best decision; a decision that will be best for you and everyone in both this life and the next.
Summary
The situation you are faced with is very difficult, especially as you are heavily pregnant. It is recommended that you attend counseling with your husband with an imam so that he can advise your husband correctly on the hadith that he is quoting as well as the responsibilities with polygamy. This will also take the pressure of accusation off you.
Consider all your options right now regarding whether to stay or go or if there are alternatives that fall in between.
Make plenty of istikhara so Allah will guide you to make the best decision.
Amongst all this, make sure to look after yourself during this very important time, making sure to exercise, eat well, be with others, and most importantly, pray!
May Allah guide you to make the best decision. May He grant you happiness and success in this life and the next and grant you a safe delivery.
Amen,
***
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