He Wants Me to Be His Fourth Wife, But…

06 October, 2018
Q I am a newly converted Muslim. After converting, I met a man who has 3 wives. He intended to make me his fourth. He comes to me and sleeps with me and says this is okay. There is no sign that he is planning to marry me soon. Now I suffer from depression. I love Islam, but I don’t want to fall back into my depression. Please, give me some advice on the right and wrong of this situation. What shall I do?


In this counseling answer:

“You should immediately end this relationship. It is not healthy for you, spiritually or physically. What is most important for you right now is to focus on your own spiritual well-being. Seek good company, by finding Muslim women who will support you in your journey through Islam.

As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum Wa Rahmatullaahi Wa Barakaatuh,

First of all, welcome to Islam! I am so glad to hear that you have accepted this beautiful faith, Alhamdulillah. I am also very sorry to hear about your situation. It seems that you are being taken advantage of by someone who should know better and who clearly bears a serious burden with regards to this situation.

Before anything else, I cannot over-emphasize the importance of your own personal connection to Allah. As a Muslim, the greatest thing you can do is turn to Allah in times of both joy and hardship, happiness and depression. Turn to Him and beg of His assistance, His Mercy, and His Love; ask Him to protect you from those who are using you for their own selfish purposes, and to guide you to that which is better for you in this world and the Hereafter.

Focus on your prayers, and learn more about Allah so that you truly feel connected to Him. Above all, your purpose in life – just like everyone else’s – is to worship Him alone.

“And I did not create the jinn and mankind except to worship Me.” (Qur’an 51:56)

With regards to this man, it is obvious that he is using you in an extremely unpleasant way. If he were an honorable Muslim man, he would immediately have married you – instead, he has chosen to engage in a sexual relationship with you outside the bonds of marriage, which is completely and utterly forbidden in Islam.

Sex outside of marriage is a very serious sin. The Qur’an says:

“And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a faahishah (a great sin) and an evil way.” (Qur’an 17:32)

This is disturbing on a variety of levels. As a new Muslim, you should be protected from such an individual. You should be supported as a sister in Islam, not as someone to take advantage of. This person should be respecting you as a Muslim woman and honoring you. If he had pure intentions of marriage, he should have gone to your father or a Muslim authority in your community who could act as your Islamically recognized representative and discuss marriage in the proper environment and context.

As well, by having this unacceptable relationship with you, this man is betraying his three wives. To put it bluntly, he is having an affair with you at the expense of his legitimate wives. It may well be that you are not the first person he has done this with.

You should immediately end this relationship. It is not healthy for you, spiritually or physically. Indeed, you should go to a doctor and get yourself checked for sexually transmitted infections and diseases. If God forbid, you have contracted such an illness, then you should also contact his wives (if it is possible for you to do so) and inform them to get themselves checked by the doctors as well.

He may try to convince you to stay with him and bring up marriage once again. However, considering his behavior up until this point, this is definitely not the kind of man that you should marry. Rather, be extremely firm about ending it, and cut off all contact with him.

For yourself, turn to Allah and ask His Forgiveness for your own part in your relationship with this man. Allah is the Most Forgiving and loves to forgive; no sin is beyond His Mercy.

Check out this counseling video:

As I have already mentioned, what is most important for you right now is to focus on your own spiritual well-being. Seek good company, by finding Muslim women who will support you in your journey through Islam.

There are also numerous female scholars whom you can find online; their lectures are available to listen to. There are many female students of Islamic knowledge whose written work you can also find online to read. Anse Tamara Gray, Shaykha Aysha Wazwaz, Shaykha Zaynab Ansari, Ustadha Alima Ashfaq, and Ustadha Safiya Ravat are just a few of these amazing women, from whom you can learn a great deal. There are also many male scholars who are valuable resources of Islamic knowledge.

Know that marriage is a beautiful and blessed bond in Islam, one that should be treated with the utmost seriousness and respect. At this stage of your spiritual journey, know that it is not a good idea to immediately start seeking a relationship with a man or making that your priority.

Unfortunately, while Islam is perfect, many Muslims are not. Make du’aa’ and ask Allah to grant you a pious, righteous husband of good character, who will treat you with the respect and love and honor that you deserve.

In the meantime, make your first priority your relationship with Allah and your practice of Islam. Do not allow your relationship with this man to pull you down and away from your primary purpose in life. Instead, do the right thing for yourself and cut this man off completely. The stronger your connection with Allah, and your knowledge of what is good and evil according to the Shari’ah, the stronger you will become as a person and as a believer.

May Allah alleviate your distress, ease your difficulty, and help you grow and flourish as a Muslim woman,



Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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