Answer
In this counseling answer:
The counselor advises the sister that if she has a bad feeling, then investigate where this feeling is coming from. However, she points out that not all marriages fit the soul mate category; some man can love more than one woman. It can be that this man is lonely and wants to marry, but it does not mean that he does not intend to be devoted to his first wife and attempts to meet her emotional and spiritual needs as she experiences her transition.
As-Salamu `Alaikum dear sister,
First, always follow your intuition and feelings. If you have a bad feeling, then investigate where this feeling is coming from. There is the letter of the law and the spirit of the law. In Islam, we strive to submit our will to the will of Allah (swt). If you can find a husband who will support you in this, and you can support him in this quest, you will have done well for yourself.
The concept of a man having more than one wife is usually strange to a western woman. Yet, the western woman will tell you that she is tired of the lies, the games, and the disrespect that the “typical” western man exhibits.
Still, the western man is in a dilemma. Let me give you an example. There is a western man who has the utmost respect for his honorable wife who has been a very good mother and whom he lived with and supported. Yet, they have no interest in each other for whatever reason, in a romantic way; they are living separate lives. They say, “We have grown apart.” They look at each other and ask, “Should we divorce?”
The woman wants her husband to stay in the family; she does not want a divorce because she wants the family system to be intact and her children to have the benefit of the father. Indeed, even if they divorce, the man will still see the children, be a father, and, in most cases, tend to the needs of the ex-wife. They just lose the house and destroy the children’s inheritance by giving it all to the divorce lawyers. The husband does not want to divorce and gives the mother of his children all authority over his income which is what happens in the western world when a divorce occurs and the wife has been a dependent for 10 years – she gets alimony and child support.
The husband is lonely; the wife gives him a choice: divorce me and give me control over all your earnings or stay with me and be lonely. In this case, what should the man do? In the west, under these kinds of circumstances, the man usually either takes a mistress and provides very little financial support for her, or he just goes out and has multiple affairs.
Sometimes he keeps this a secret, sometimes not. If he is keeping this a secret, he ends up lying to just about everyone. He makes promises to his secret girlfriend that he will marry her, but rarely does as this requires that he divorces his first wife, in which case, he won’t be able to afford a second marriage. And, he lies to his wife and children, often, even to his own mother. In this scenario, he is using the “other woman” depriving her of the dignity and respect of having the status of being a married woman. Indeed, she has the status of the adulteress, and she is blamed for all the social ills of the west. How fair is this?
In your case, you are referring to a man whose wife is dying. You stated, “I see many married couples who love each other a lot.” Yes, that is most common among “soul mate” type couples. Some men are so in love with one wife, and some couples develop such a bond on an emotional, psychological, physical, and spiritual level that the man could not possibly be happy with another woman, even if she dies. However, not all marriages fit the soul mate category; some man can love more than one woman. The nature and depth of a relationship are something weaved by Allah (swt).
That this man you speak of is lonely and wants to marry does not mean that he does not intend to be devoted to his first wife and attempts to meet her emotional and spiritual needs as she experiences her transition. It is his responsibility to do so whether their bond fits the aforementioned description. The intelligent path for you to take is to explore why he wants a second wife. He could be very vulnerable as he may be losing a source of comfort, and he is afraid to live alone. This does not mean that marriage, for this reason, is wrong. What is important is that the true needs and the true nature of the relationship that he is forging come to light for him and for his future bride.
What kind of love does he have for you? What kind of relationship does he envision with you? What needs do you have? What needs does he have? Are you a match when you consider these things? Are you able to provide emotional support to a man who is watching a loved one, his first wife, die? This will be painful for him with or without a second wife.
If you are the kind of woman who cannot be happy unless she finds her soul mate, and you want to weave your life, your experiences, your souls together as one, then you should hold out for that. Make sure you know what you want from marriage.
Not all women are the same, not all men are the same. The woman has the right to accept or reject marriage. She has the right to marry the man she believes is going to meet her needs on all levels. The suitor has an obligation, to be honest with the woman he is courting and to tell her upfront if he has these kinds of feelings and to make this kind of commitment to a monogamous marriage. Indeed, a woman has a right to know her suitors’ true intentions. If he cannot, then he should not propose to such a woman and seek a woman who seeks benefits from marriage other than this type of experience. 
Remember, a man must be able to provide for his wives. If he wants more than one wife, he must be able to provide. If he has one, two, three, or four, he must treat each equally and give equal provision. Some women are more emotionally independent and are quite content if their expenses are paid; they can have children without worry, knowing that their children will have a father, and they have more autonomy and independence when their husband has at least one more wife. Some women are more in need of that weaving of souls. Men are made differently, too; thus, find a husband whose needs match yours and who wants the same kind of relationship that you do.
Here, I have tried to give you some examples which, indeed, do not cover the entire spectrum of situations. I have attempted to give you some “food for thought”, and I am encouraging you to seek your own soul’s insight about this matter. Be honest with yourself about who you are and what you need and do not settle for less. Pray to Allah (swt) for guidance. Pray Istikarah and wait for Allah (swt) to whisper His answer into your heart. Follow that guidance.
At the end of the day, love is understanding and being there for another human being. The depth that we experience this love depends on our own ability to strive for that level of understanding and selflessness.
Two becoming as one does indeed happen. It is the right path for some, but it is not the only honorable path. Seek your answer about what path is right for you, and see if you have that with your suitor. Remember, there are many suitors. Pray to Allah (swt), as I said, and He will guide you and arrange your life in such a manner that your soul’s needs will be met.
Before I end with a closing statement, I want to emphasize that this man is our brother. One caution is that he may be vulnerable and emotional. This does not make him bad. But out of care and concern, do make sure he is of sound mind if you accept marriage with him. If his wife’s condition has been chronic for a long time, then the decision to marry may very well be sensible and well thought out. But if this is new for him, he may be panicking. I am not here to diagnose the state of mind of this man, only to advise you to make sure that he knows what he is doing for his own sake as he is our brother, and we should love him as such.
I pray you have a broader understanding of marriage in Islam, marriage in submission to the will of Allah (swt). There is a reason why it is said that marriage is half your deen (religion). Perhaps, marriage may be the most difficult part of your spiritual journey, yet the most rewarding. Marriage will refine your soul, as you will leave selfishness and old ways of thinking behind if you really strive to grow into a marriage. One day at a time sister. I am with you.
Please write in again soon.
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides.