For the past 5 years, my husband comes home late, the first few years he didn’t work rather slept through the day and would be out at night.
I am really tired of his behaviors and I had enough. He doesn’t like it when I voice my dislike and will get defensive.
I even caught him talking to several girls. When I confronted him, he said he would change, but I don’t trust him anymore. I’m really lonely and he doesn’t show any affection.
We even sleep on different beds. I don’t like this life, I really want to get a divorce. I am just tired of giving my all and not getting anything in return.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
You have every right sister to feel upset in this situation. Here are a few things you may want to try before going ahead with a divorce.
Be mindful of how you time such discussions and make sure to approach him when he is calm, and also when you are calm also.
It may be that your frustration with the situation makes you come across as more aggressive and therefore he is less responsive.
Take the focus off pointing fingers at him and instead focus on the impact of his behavior on you. Tell him how you feel.
Organize to do something alone and special together.
You might try to encourage him to seek marriage counseling with you.
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulhi wa barakatuh sister,
I understand that this situation causes you such distress. You said he does not spend time with you, but you have also caught him talking to other girls. On top of this, he fails to show you any affection and when you try to talk to him about it, he gets defensive and things don’t change.
This is not fair on you and he does not fulfill your rights as a wife by continuing to treat you like this.
It is unfortunate that he does not respond well when you talk to him as this should be the first step to take before escalating to something more direct. I might suggest taking a different approach in the way you talk to him since your current methods have been fruitless.
Be mindful of how you time such discussions and make sure to approach him when he is calm, and also when you are calm also.
It may be that your frustration with the situation makes you come across as more aggressive and therefore he is less responsive.
It may be that you have been doing this already, but is something to pay attention to. Additionally, instead of bringing the matter to his attention by expressing your dislike, let him know how it makes you feel. That is, take the focus off pointing fingers at him and instead focus on the impact of his behavior on you. Help him see it from another perspective also.
Additionally, you might consider doing things together to rekindle the relationship and take the initiative to do so if he won’t. Organize to do something alone and special together.
This may be something he enjoys doing or something you’ve enjoyed doing together before. It may just be as simple as going out for dinner together or even cooking something special at home.
On top of this, you might try to encourage him to seek marriage counseling with you. This will give you both the space to air your concerns in a private space. It may be that he has things on his mind that he hasn’t addressed also whilst at the same time giving you the time to voice your concerns and feelings too.
In sha Allah, for the sake of your family, he will agree to this. This will be good for you both to ensure that you act in accordance with Islam whilst drawing attention to things that need to change to meet Islamic obligations such as providing for you and staying away from Zina.
This will ensure a place and interaction where your husband may be more open to listening and being less defensive as the advice is coming from someone else and not just anyone, but someone of knowledge. This will hopefully give him more motivation to change his ways.
I would advise you to try these things first before considering divorce. It’s very important that you do all you can to try and fix things and make things work before making such a big decision that will have a big impact on you all, especially your children.
May Allah make it easy for you and guide you to what is best for you all. May He reward your patience and see you through this successfully. May He grant you great happiness and success in this life and the next.
Salam,
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