I have some worries about future stability, eg getting a job, or continuing education as I find myself just alone at times with my family not really there. Hence seeking support elsewhere such as friends, therapists, career advisors, support workers or mentors, trying to fill this gap with all these external people, and doesn’t really fill up the gap or make up for what’s really missing. When I return home from a day out with friends, a therapy appointment, or college, I’m subjected back to this emptiness that I frequently feel, like I don’t really have a home or a place to call mine, somewhere to unwind and just feel relaxed. It’s not as frequent as it was, but sometimes still manages to creep up on me at times. The history of this place was unstable for me and previously with a support worker I was given the option to stay with my sisters or go into foster care however that situation has died down and I’ve managed to make my living situation somewhat bearable. Is this what home and family suppose to be, just people that live with me, a place to just stay since it’s bearable? I would appreciate any advice regarding my situation, thank you.
Answer
In this counseling article:
- Try to understand and look for reasons why this atmosphere might exist. Then you can find a solution easier.
- Love them the way they are. People around you should learn also to accept you as you are too. It works both ways.
- Keep your home alive with Islam. These are the things, in particular, that can add warmth and comfort to a home.
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,
With a long history of mental health problems, you are feeling quite lonely.
Although things seem to have gotten better over the last couple of years, you still feel lonely in your home, which is causing the most distress at the moment.
This is understandable, as the home should be the one space, even if there are no others, where you should feel safe and supported by your family.
Clearly, you are not experiencing this, unfortunately. There are, however, some things you might try to ease this scenario.
What are the reasons?
Firstly, try to understand and look for reasons why this atmosphere might exist.
Is it just a pattern of behavior that exists solely because that is the way things have been for so long? If so, then to overcome this, the pattern needs to be broken.
You could take the initiative yourself to try and do this.
Encourage everyone to do something together—either go out together somewhere or even just at home. Do something together as a team that will encourage bonding once more and break this pattern of coldness towards one another.
If there is something in particular that you know others enjoy, then try centering it around this.
For example, if you know they love soccer, then invite them out to go and play soccer together. If there’s a particular food they love, then cook and eat it together as a meal.
Personal differences?
Or is the behavior of others in your household just the way it is normally? It may seem unusual to you because you are expecting a warmth that they are not giving, but the way they normally get on in life is to be a bit more reserved with their emotions, even with family.
Some people are just like this. This is just the way their personalities are, and that is okay too. We are all different. It may not make you comfortable, but if this is just their normal way, then you try to accept that and love them the way they are.
People may look at you too and question your behaviors, but again, this is just the way you are, and people around you should learn to accept you as you are too. It works both ways.
So, were they always like this anyway? Or did something change? If they weren’t always this way, then something must have happened for their behavior to change. If so, is it just that their behavior toward you has changed? Or do they like it for others too?
Their own difficulties?
If they are also like this with others and their behavior is not unique to you, then understand that they are perhaps facing their own difficulties.
In this case, their behavior may be their response to this, and they could really do with your support.
You might not be comfortable talking to each other about such things, or maybe you are, but either way, facilitate a warm, caring environment that provides a space where they can open up if they want to.
Just checking in on them every day and asking how they are can often be enough to start the process. Even if there is nothing up, it’ll start the process of fostering a warm home environment that provides the comfort that you, and perhaps they, need and are looking for.
If this behavior is only directed towards you and not others, then one wonders if this is the case, and what happened to make them like this towards you?
There may not be anything malicious in it, and they are just not sure how best to approach you, even though they want to. In this case, you could even use the above tactics by initiating a conversation with them.
This will get the ball rolling and encourage dialogue between you. In time, what might be awkward initially will become a whole lot more comfortable.
Due to your history?
Alternatively, given your history within the home, this may simply be the way you are interpreting things. Maybe nothing has changed and this is the way things were, but because of the history, everything in the home feels so negative.
You go out and escape it all with your peers, etc., but then when you get back home, you’re faced with old haunting memories that make you feel emotionally cold and vulnerable.
So, in comparison to the warmth and support you feel outside, what you experience at home now presents a void.
In sha Allah, with continued therapy, you will overcome these feelings and be able to recreate positive memories in the home, such that it is no longer a place you go and feel this void.
You could work on this with your family, which would be best, but you can still do it by yourself without them, too.
Keep your home alive with Islam
Keep your home alive with Islam. Pray together, read the Quran together, watch lectures together, and study together. Even if your family doesn’t join you in these things, there is nothing to stop you from doing them by yourself, and in time, maybe they’ll join you.
These are the things, in particular, that can add warmth and comfort to a home. Otherwise, things like cooking the food you love and adding some decorations can also foster a warmer environment.
Aside from this, alhamdulilah, it seems you have a large and useful support network outside the home, so continue to utilize this. As things in your home stabilize, you can continue to rely on these outside sources for your wellbeing as well.
May Allah ease your affairs and bring you comfort wherever you seek it. May your heart find peace in the remembrance of Allah.
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