I recently had loads of ups and downs in my life. I got separated from my family, lost my job and became homeless. In such a difficult time in my life, I looked up to people I adored and I thought were my family. Sadly, without blaming them, I was treated quite horribly and at times I felt like I was looked down at. I felt people I thought were very close to me, they were behind their own benefits and in time of need, I got to see their true selves. That has truly shaken me to the core.
As I lost my job, I also lost my confidence. In my sector being dismissed can be quite serious. It will be very difficult for me to find another job as my reference will be pretty negative. This experience has left me to lose hope. I ended up on antidepressants and all of my pride has vanished. I was excellent at my job and loved by my colleagues. I don’t know how to cope with this situation.
A part of me is still staying strong and Islam is the only thing that keeps me going. I believe I am innocent when it comes to losing my job but I also understand everything happens from the will of Allah and there must be something for me to learn from and perhaps it’s a test. Considering the circumstances, I feel very vulnerable. I haven’t managed to share this to anyone else other than few friends who eventually took away any leftover pride that I had. I feel like a failure after all that and it’s quite hard to feel this way when all my other siblings and friends are doing quite well in their lives. At this age with negative job references, I don’t know where else to start from. I feel quite numb. I panic when I feel now will I have to work in supermarkets again when I was student. How will I handle this? How long my antidepressants will take? I feel truly vulnerable.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- These types of crises always shake us. We need to deal with the sudden uncertainty and the loss of our sense of security, and it is a challenge.
- Things may seem challenging, but usually not as extremely, as we describe them in times of despair. At these times, we may think, “Either I am very successful or a total failure,” but the reality is usually somewhere in between.
- Switch focus, try to see what you have, your strengths, and what you do well, and make a plan for how to keep going. Your worth does not depend on whether you have a job or not.
- We seek the approval of others, but finally, what matters is to seek the pleasure of Allah, and this is how we measure success.
Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah, brother,
Thank you for writing and sharing your story. I am sorry to hear that you have been going through such a difficult time. I am also sorry for your loss and that you feel that you can hardly find anyone to share your struggle with.
You say that you take antidepressants and have had issues with your mental health. My question is: have you been to therapy? Especially recently, since the loss of your job?
I am saying this because a good therapy, for example, with a cognitive-behavioral approach, could trace back to your core beliefs and detect some unhelpful patterns in your thinking.
I kindly recommend considering this option, as it would help you to combat the depressed mood quite well.
You say that you had this feeling of failure, and deep down, you do not believe that you are not good. Also, you talk about your childhood and that you have suffered abuse.
Brother, if you have been going through a difficult, abusive, and probably not supportive childhood, this can really impact your psychological strength. It can lead to developing certain beliefs about yourself that are not true.
It can also lead to extra motivation to reach high achievements, but it can also make you vulnerable. Feelings of unworthiness, failure, or not being good enough may be direct consequences of these experiences.
Check your thoughts
But it is time to examine these thoughts and see whether they are really true and whether they serve you if you keep believing in them and maintaining them.
What is the effect of believing that you are not good enough? And what if you decide that you do not accept this belief anymore? Look around and think about your life: how many things have you achieved? You said you moved to the west, studied, finished your masters, got married, had beautiful kids, and were successful in your job, masallah. Would you say that it means that you are not good enough to accomplish your goals?
Recently, you lost your job and got dismissed, and you are afraid that you are not going to be able to find another one anymore. But does this mean that you are a failure? For example, does missing one goal mean that you have always missed it and will miss it all? Could that be true, brother?
I would kindly reframe these statements, like, for example, “I have studied and worked hard in my life. I have lost my last job, which I was good at. Despite this experience, I will show next time my expertise and abilities.”
Or, “With a dismissal on my resume, there might be some challenges when I am looking for a new job, but it is just a possibility, not a fact.”
I agree with you that it is a test from Allah. This life is always a learning ground for us, believers, whether it is a good experience or a bad one. Remember the hadith:
„Strange are the ways of a believer for there is good in every affair of his and this is not the case with anyone else except in the case of a believer for if he has an occasion to feel delight, he thanks (God), thus there is a good for him in it, and if he gets into trouble and shows resignation (and endures it patiently), there is a good for him in it.” Sahih Muslim 2999
Times of crises
I think it is quite understandable that you are feeling vulnerable. These types of crises always shake us. We need to deal with the sudden uncertainty and the loss of our sense of security, and it is a challenge. We need to cope with the circumstances and find our inner resources to move on.
And it is true for all of us; that is why I do not recommend comparing yourself with others, with your friends or siblings. All of us have our hard times, maybe not at the same time as you, but believe me, we all have our struggles, and so do they.
Also, things may seem challenging, but usually not as extremely, as we describe them in times of despair. At these times, we may think, “Either I am very successful or a total failure,” but the reality is usually somewhere in between. So, what is the worth of what can happen? That you may work again in a supermarket? If that is the worst, what other alternatives are there that are realistic and more in the middle?
Switch focus
So, what I recommend is to switch focus, try to see what you have, your strengths, and what you do well, and make a plan for how to keep going.
Try to list down your strengths, and I recommend seeking personal traits and not necessarily accomplishments.
Your worth does not depend on whether you have a job or not. You are worthy because, for example, you are hardworking, disciplined, and loyal as a person, which manifests at work.
We seek the approval of others, but finally, what matters is to seek the pleasure of Allah, and this is how we measure success.
Your faith and spirituality can help and give you resources in times of need.
Remember:
“We will certainly test you with a touch of fear and famine and loss of property, life, and crops. Give good news to those who patiently endure—who say, when struck by a disaster, “Surely to Allah we belong and to Him we will ˹all˺ return.” (Quran 2: 155-56)
So, brother, be patient and have faith in Him, as finally, what matters is our connection with Him. Try to do your regular worship, make dua and dhikr, and find peace in the remembrance and tawakkul of Allah. He is there, always, and He provides for you the right means—those who can help you when you need it.
To conclude, once again, I recommend therapy and/or counseling combined with spiritual practices.
It is worth dedicating some time and resources to those sessions, as in the event of success, you may reduce your medication too. That would help you gain a more positive, motivating perspective on your current situation, in sha Allah. May Allah bless you.
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