Islam was something I grew up with and has always been a large part of my life but growing up it felt more like something I was obliged to follow and believe because my parents forced me to; I was forced to go to Arabic school and hated it, I was forced to go to mosque and hated it too.
I prayed because I was told to and I never really understood or believed in it. As a child...how was I supposed to grasp such concepts? I would always ask bizarre questions in my Arabic schools that would get me punished despite it being innocent curiosity.
As I was punished for my curiosity I began to associate Islam with unquestioned obedience and never truly understood the religion. Even now I never miss prayer out of fear of God, and pray back months worth of prayers from times I felt completely lost and didn't believe at all.
I never deeply felt connected to God or any of the stories taught, I would lie to my parents and teachers, that I did feel the connection, because they did too.
Many things have happened to me that I tried to get counseling for but it never really helped.
In times of hopelessness I go back to Islam and try to delude myself into thinking He's really there for me. I try to read the Quran with little to no emotion when reading and a lack of interest,I tell myself the stories are real, that it's sent by God, but I just can't do it. I really try to have faith.
I genuinely cry so much because no matter how hard I try I just have no faith, yet everyone around me seems to just believe. I don't feel the satisfaction everyone else seems to get from Islam.
When I talk to my parents or even teachers about how I feel they talk down on me, they tell me I'm not trying enough, that I am weak minded for lacking faith, that it's wrong to question the absurdity of it all. I don't feel loved by an all knowing being. I don't feel any miracles.
I find that my happiest times are when I just allow myself to stop believing, when I stop praying and suddenly I can get out of my bed, go out with friends and family, pursue my hobbies. But in the end my happiness feels undeserved and I go back to believing in misery... and the cycle repeats.
Especially because it is Ramadan it has me questioning faith much more now. It's supposed to be a time where you feel most connected to God. But I just don't. I want to go to Mosques but I despise the Islamic community, and just in general being depressed stops me from wanting to leave the house or talk to people.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- Experiencing love as conditional can deeply affect you and can contribute to depression.
- If you fear that your parents would not accept you because of your doubts or struggles, that can be a much bigger issue. And maybe the feeling you are looking for has to do with experiencing connection, not religion.
Assalamualaikum sister,
Thanks for your letter. You wrote that you were forced to believe, to obey and to learn Arabic and the religion, but without real understanding.
The whole situation makes you feel depressed, Sometimes when you stop believing, that is when you start feeling alive and well again. Even during Ramadan, when you are supposed to feel the closest to Allah, you feel that the opposite is happening to you, and you don’t know what to do.
I’m really sorry that you are going through this, sister. I hear what you are experiencing. I believe it has a lot to do with being forced into something and feeling obligated to accept it, instead of being guided with understanding and compassion in your upbringing.
Forced beliefs
Religion should never be forced upon someone, and harsh parenting and education will have its damaging consequences. Doubts, questions, and searching for your own understanding should be normal and acceptable.
What you explain should not happen to you, or to others. Perhaps your parents acted out of fear—fear of losing their identity or their child to something they don’t understand. Maybe their strict behavior was a consequence of their own fears or unresolved traumas. Of course, that doesn’t excuse forcing someone, and unfortunately it often has the opposite effect.
Expectations
I also think your hopelessness may be connected to expectations. For example, during Ramadan we are often expected to be very devoted, very faithful, praying all night and feeling deep spiritual connection. There can be teachings as the basis behind, but they are often amplified and intensified by people around us and by social media. This can create huge pressure that feels overwhelming and even contradictory.
Also, thinking in absolutes creates unrealistically high expectations. Are you sure that “everyone” you just believe, and finds only satisfaction in faith? That certainly feels heavy, but maybe the reality is that there are many who struggle just like you at times.
The same applies to expectations about what you “should” feel. People talk about their own, subjective experiences, often expressed as how things “should” be for everyone else. But it’s not like that.
We should normalize if a particular Ramadan is not a time of deep devotion or strong spiritual connection for someone. Faith and connection cannot simply be created on demand because the end result will be fake. We all have fluctuating imaan, and true connection often come from a genuine inner need to seek guidance.
It’s a guidance not a feeling
This connects to another point I would like to share with you. Look at Islam as a form of guidance instead of seeking to feel something called faith. There are many types of guidance available—psychological advice, ideologies, humanistic values, and many other frameworks.
Islam is a guidance you can choose to follow, and it is quite comprehensive and complex. If you approach it like this, rather than something you are forced to accept, you might discover that it contains many deeply reassuring and meaningful perspectives that actually work in real life.
However, if you feel that your parents would not accept you because of your doubts or struggles, that can be a much bigger issue. And maybe the feeling you are looking for has to do with experiencing connection, not religion.
Feeling that love is conditional can deeply affect you and can contribute to depression. When you grow up in an environment where doubts cannot be discussed openly, pushing back becomes a very understandable reaction. It can come from a place of desperation and from the fear of rejection.
Even your emotional distance can be understood as a response to that. Also your need to deeply connect can be an emotional void that you try to fill through religion. In reality, it can be about something else, for ex., human relationships. What do you think?
So my suggestion would be to stop focusing so much on meeting expectations. Your parents may love you and want the best for you, but perhaps lack tools to express that. Sometimes people try to control things through pressure or obligation. Even though their deeper motivation may actually be protection and love.
Understand intentions
If possible, try to reconnect with that underlying intention.
You might also benefit from exploring interpretations of Islam that approach faith in a more gentle and compassionate way. Strictness does not necessarily make something more correct or more meaningful. You are still young, masallah, and have a long journey ahead to find your own way and heal from these wounds.
Also, if you are dealing with sadness and depression, and constant negative thinking, please consider counseling again or a medical assessment to rule out other possibilities.
I hope this helps. May Allah make things easier for you.