In this counseling answer:
“I suggest you seek professional therapy for your ongoing issues. It will take some weeks of ongoing intervention. However, in the meantime, you can do a number of things to ease your current problems including most importantly seeking to strengthen and increase your faith, finding comfort in the remembrance of Allah (swt) as well as generally taking care of yourself and engaging in self-care.”
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh sister,
You have certainly been experiencing a number of different mental health issues here which are understandably becoming overwhelming for you. You began with a problem with masturbation and also seem to be exhibiting symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. In recent times, you have further developed intense feelings of anxiety, particularly around death as well as strong feelings of guilt for all the thoughts and behaviors you have had both presently and in the past.
Firstly, I recommend that you seek some ongoing professional counseling and support for these issues. They have been present for such a long time that they will require a more lengthy therapeutic intervention over a course of some weeks to overcome these difficulties.
In the meantime, however, I can offer some advice and support that can help to ease your difficulties more generally.
The most important thing, to begin with, is to focus on increasing your faith. You will find that this will assist you in all the areas that you are struggling with now. It will protect you from Shaytaan’s whisperings that might be causing you to have obsessive thoughts about cleanliness, for example.
There a couple of things you can do to make this task easier.
Firstly, remember Allah (swt) in all you do, even if it is as simple as saying ‘Bismillah’ before you eat. Having Allah (swt) constantly in mind will protect you from any negative thoughts you have. It will deter you from doing any acts that are displeasing to Him as you will have Allah (swt) instantly on your mind. Your fear of His punishment should be enough to prevent you from moving forward in conducting the said act.
“If a person mentions the Name of Allah upon entering his house or eating, Satan says, addressing his followers: ‘You will find nowhere to spend the night and no dinner.’ But if he enters without mentioning the Name of Allah, Satan says (to his followers); ‘You have found (a place) to spend the night in, and if he does not mention the Name of Allah at the time of eating, Satan says: ‘You have found (a place) to spend the night in as well as food.” (Muslim)
You can also work on gradually build up voluntary acts of worship, such as reading the Qur’an, making dhikr, offering voluntary prayers and fasting. Rather than trying to dive straight in and do it all at once, do so in a gradual fashion so as not to become overwhelmed. If you take it slowly, building up such acts, it will come more naturally on a day to day basis. You will be less likely to completely give up altogether.
A way you can assist yourself with building on your acts of worship is to establish a routine, again, beginning slowly with less daunting tasks. For example, read the Qur’an for 15 minutes a day after Fajr. Again, this will help to build your relationship with Allah (swt). This will continue to strengthen your sense of ease in such situations where, for example, you have been experiencing high levels of anxiety. You will be continually comforted by the remembrance of Allah (swt).
“Those who have believed and whose hearts are assured by the remembrance of Allah. Unquestionably, by the remembrance of Allah hearts are assured.” (Qur’an, 13:28)
Finally, regarding the spiritual side of things, mix with sisters that will remind you of Allah (swt). This will be good for both your social and spiritual well-being which will further rave a knock on effect onto your physical and psychological well-being also. This will also be an act that will contribute to nurturing a closeness to Allah (swt) that will comfort you through your testing times.
Furthermore, in addition to spiritual care, make sure you take care of yourself in other ways; eat well, exercise, and sleep well. These are crucial components to positive well-being. They will also protect you from the psychological problems that you are currently facing.
Do something that you enjoy regularly. This will serve as a means to give you a positive sense of achievement whilst also providing a distraction, particularly from any obsessive or anxious thoughts that you are having.
Overall, I suggest you seek professional therapy for your ongoing issues. It will take some weeks of ongoing intervention. However, in the meantime, you can do a number of things to ease your current problems including most importantly seeking to strengthen and increase your faith, finding comfort in the remembrance of Allah (swt) as well as generally taking care of yourself and engaging in self-care.
May Allah (swt) help you successfully through these difficult times and bring you ease in your affairs.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.