In this counseling answer:
Commit yourself to counseling, healing and starting a new journey in life that is happy.
Please rest assured that Allah does love you sister, He loves you very much.
Remember, Allah helps those who help themselves.
I am so sorry to hear you are depressed and feeling unloved. It is not a good feeling and I can imagine you are suffering greatly. Please know that depression is quite common worldwide and it is treatable. However, sadly a lot of people do not seek treatment and just let the years roll by in an unhappy state of mind when the issues could have been addressed and insha’Allah resolved.
What I am basically saying, sister is that you do not have to continue to feel this way. There is help available if you just reach out. Commit yourself to counseling, healing and starting a new journey in life that is happy. This is in no way suggesting that it is an easy step, I know! It is often very difficult for one who is depressed to reach out. And, I am so proud of you for reaching out to us here at AboutIslam and I pray Allah guides us to provide you with inspirational words from the heart that will help you.
As you stated you feel Allah is punishing you for your sins, please know, sister, that the sins we commit are forgiven if we truly repent and pray for forgiveness. In fact, it states in the Qur’an that
“ Say, “O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.” (Quran Surah Az-Zumar 39:53)
As you must know dear sister, Allah is most merciful and Allah loves to forgive! As you love Allah very much and expressed such remorse in your question to us, do you not think that Allah has forgiven you? Allah loves to forgive. It may be you, sister, who is unable to forgive yourself. We all sin sister, alhumdulilah we can go to Allah and ask for forgiveness and alhumdulilah Allah loves to forgive. However often times when we repent and ask for forgiveness, we don’t let it go as we are supposed to-we hang on to the guilt of the very things we are seeking forgiveness for.
Instead of just giving it to Allah and trusting in His mercy, we hang on to it and ruminate upon it and worry and get sad, scared and depressed when in fact, we gave it to Allah and we should trust in Him and leave it in the past. Sister, often when we are depressed, things can appear distorted and hopeless. But if you read, believe and apply the words of the Qur’an to your life and especially your current situation, you will insha’Allah find great relief.
In addition to your depression sister, it also sounds like you may be suffering from anxiety and or panic disorder as well as possible agoraphobia (2) which is basically a product of a panic-anxiety disorder. It is a fear of going out to places that are ‘unsafe”. Please do read the article as it may give you some insight into what you are feeling. Sister, I cannot diagnose you, only a counselor who has assessed you can make a correct diagnosis regarding both your depression and your possible anxiety/panic.
Check out this counseling video:
Therefore, I highly encourage you, dear sister, to seek out professional counseling as soon as possible to resolve these issues. There is no need to have to feel this way when there is help available. Additionally, I do not think that your issues are spiritual but do think that your fears and worries about your sins are a by-product of your mental health status namely the possible depression, anxiety/panic.
Please rest assured that Allah does love you sister, He loves you very much. Allah loves you so much that He wants you to heal from the torment you are going through. Allah created people who have become doctors, nurses, counselors, psychologists, teachers, etc. to help people. We all need professional help from time to time and now is your time.
Remember, Allah helps those who help themselves. I have full confidence in you that you can and will get the help you need. Please do get counseling sister as a wonderful life is awaiting you. Draw close to Allah, trust in His promises and mercy and utilize the resources He has provided for help and healing.
You are in our prayers, please let us know how you are doing.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.