I am 25, I wanted to marry since teenager, doing the things the right way. But I come from a poor family and just told myself let's wait that I get a job, alhmadulillah I did good study I am an engineer since beginning of this year, so I started to look for someone.
And one girl very quickly that lives at the opposite city of the country, had EVERYTHING I asked for, I was so shocked, I quickly tell her that I would like to see her uncles (she never saw her father), but I met her and she is a very depressive girl, since life tests and sins.
So, I tried to limited my contacts, but I couldn’t let her alone, Just told myself it would be temporary but weeks and weeks, feelings got in our hearts we told things like "I love you" multiple times, I know we have to cover our sins, but for understanding I have to say that. She pushed back all the time because she wasn’t feeling great, she didn’t want when depressed, she had also some mental issues that I won’t details.
I told her that we do a pause and we stop to speak except, if necessary, the time she heals her mental, but we were still speaking since she was feeling bad so much days, but less.
She told me it's the end, 1 month and half, from nowhere, there was so much signs in my head that I was like I just have to be patient and minimize interaction and be here for her when she is feeling really bad. She told me she stopped all because she wanted to take care of her mental health, I was feeling it wasn’t the case, and she told me after some days that, she was liking me but in a friendly way at the end, and not attracted anymore... that she was very attached to me but that's all even if she said she loved me, she wants to see me in real life etc... (even, if she didn’t let me the chance for that) ...
Like she is saying that she is not attracted in a romantic way, that she felt like the man and me the woman??? How she can say that to me when she was in a relationship, with many boys before, never proposing her in marriage, constantly harrasing her??
But WHO IS THE MEN HERE?? I become crazy with that, the guy that spam her that we have to marry, (duration of our conversations was 3 months before she stopped), that is here to support her mental problems because of others relationship that "destroy her" like she used to say "I’m a broken human"... That I can’t have good conversations funny moments, cuz we aren’t married, we are not halal. Who is the man here, those randoms that just kiss her, and cuddle her for years, and never take responsibility to marry her. Like I need to know, my heart is so broken. Girls say they want serious but when serious come to her, they are just afraid and want to take time etc...
Also, I'm not good looking even if I do much work on myself. I have chronic disease that reduce the things I can do, I can't drive for the moment cuz of sickness issues, I feel like a complete loser a 0, not even a man cuz of what she said and that I am so sensitive, and I have some bad thoughts like "why me", but I ask Allah to forgive me for those bad thoughts, I am Muslim so I can’t kill myself, but I can’t handle this life any longer... This life is so hard I got much tests before, I know prophets’ story and after big tests, they get a full peace end, I thought it would be my case, I found a job that perfect girls, last tests would be easy.
I swear Allah did infinite good for me, I can work have a job, even with that chronic disease, I can pray at work (Allah made asking easy for me), I got easier things to allow me that, my Lord saved me and take care of me all my life, but I still want to leave this life... When I started speak to this girl, those ideas have left my head, I felt loved for the first time (yeah, I have parents but I won’t speak about that, loved from them is black hole), I told myself I can’t have those ideas anymore someone is counting on you, and alhmadulillah my mind was feeling so good, just needed to be patient.
I'm crying so much writing this, but I know that I am just a weak person not even a man...
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- Our well-being is affected by our emotional states and our preceding thoughts. There might be some beliefs about yourself and the world that could make you feel bad about yourself.
- With the help of a counselor, you can adjust these beliefs and turn them into a healthier and more positive perception.
- Look at our beloved Prophet; peace be upon him, he had the best character. In the seerah, we read about some moments that required strength and straight-forwardness, while others required attention, care, and compassion.
Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah, dear brother,
Thank you for your long and detailed letter. The interesting thing is that you described your current situation from different perspectives throughout the letter.
The facts are basically that you are a working man, you have a chronic illness, and you cannot drive because of it. You’re 25; you finished your studies well and became an engineer. You were looking for someone to marry, and you met this girl.
How Emotions Affect Us
But, while you started and ended the letter with a positive and hopeful outlook on these facts, when you wrote about your emotional struggle with this girl, all went black, and you perceived the same situation with a lot of hopelessness. “I feel like a complete loser, a 0“.
And I wanted to point out this interesting notion because I found it a good presentation of how our well-being is affected by our emotional states and our preceding thoughts.
The facts remain the same, but you either experience them as blessings or as disasters. The question is, what thoughts could have crossed your mind, and what beliefs about yourself support them?
You had hopes for this relationship, as you thought you had found the one you needed and were looking for. Unfortunately, it seems that although she got attached to you, she did not feel exactly the same way and ended the relationship.
Keep it Halal
I am not sure what exactly happened between you, but if you have crossed the boundaries of halal interaction—which you probably did—I kindly ask you to repent and ask Allah’s forgiveness.
You felt especially hurt, according to what you present here, that she did not find you manly enough. And you compare yourself to her past relationships with boys who hurt her, while you think you were just the opposite—kind and attentive.
Brother, I know it can be very hurtful if someone important has a negative opinion about you or comments on your look, your character, or whatever.
You Are Lovable
But you are the creation of Allah, and He created you as a lovable, kind, and worthy person. Worthy of the love of others.
You have to believe that and also think about the fact that just because one person sees you this way, it does not mean that you are like this or that everybody sees you that way.
That is not true at all, and I am sure that there are women out there who will find you adorable for the way you are.
You may be more sensitive or emotional than others, but who says that a man cannot be sensitive?
Look at our beloved Prophet; peace be upon him, he had the best character. In the seerah, we read about some moments that required strength and straight-forwardness, while others required attention, care, and compassion.
Building Traits
What does it mean to you to be manly? How the men around you are? Think about your character too and list the traits you have.
If you want to develop certain traits you think you lack, but you find manly just start practicing them.
Each day of the week, write down a situation that, for example, has required “courage,”ambition,” self-control,” or whatever you would like to work on.
The goal is to find the most suitable behavior and attitude for each situation. You can be manly when you are protecive in a situation, brave in another and kind in other.
Parental Love
You told me that the love from your parents is “a black hole”. I am not sure what exactly you mean, but it seems that you did not receive sufficient appreciation for what is necessary for feeling loved and worthy enough for the love and care of others.
I am not sure what happened or why you perceived it that way, and this requires a more in-depth conversation. That is why I kindly ask you to seek counseling and try to talk about this with a professional.
Counseling
Although it seems “normal” that after a breakup you feel depressed and hopeless—especially if you feel that this is something very close to your dreams and wishes—there might be some beliefs about yourself and the world that could make you feel bad about yourself.
And with the help of a counselor, you can adjust these beliefs and turn them into a healthier and more positive perception.
A counselor can also help you explore your needs and wants before the marriage search and navigate through it. Sometimes we want someone who is not good for us, is not meant for us, and is not the one we need.
We should avoid getting too attached to someone or to some idea before marriage, before we make conscious decisions about our future.
Help of Allah
You frequently turn to Allah with your duas and that you see the blessings of Allah in your life, alhamdulillah.
Keep up with this attitude and find solace in your supplication and in His guidance. Allah will not leave you alone, brother, and will help you to find the right one for you.
May Allah reward you with a righteous spouse and a happy life, ameen.
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