Answer
Answer:
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum dear sister,
Thank you for writing to us. It sounds like you are going through quite a lot. I would like to begin with the intrusive thoughts as it seems your issues are stemming from them as they are uncontrollable. While I am not sure how long they have been going on, or if there are other uncontrollable thoughts you have had in other areas of your life, I would highly suggest you see a therapist for an evaluation for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) as from what little you did describe, it appears you may be suffering from OCD. OCD is also related to anxiety disorder and can lead to depression due to its disabling nature.
One of the many themes of OCD is one of the unwanted sexual thoughts such as fear of molesting someone or fears of being gay as well as themes involving religion (such as you are experiencing). Psych Central states “Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by recurrent and disturbing thoughts (called obsessions) and/or repetitive, ritualized behaviors that the person feels driven to perform (called compulsions). Obsessions can also take the form of intrusive images or unwanted impulses. The majority of people with OCD have both obsessions and compulsions, but a minority (about 20 percent) has obsessions alone or compulsions alone (about 10 percent).”
As you did not specifically state that you perform rituals, you do use avoidance behaviors (not reading Qur’an) for fear of taking things out of context (intrusive thoughts) which is also common in OCD. If, in fact, you do have OCD (and I cannot diagnose you), you may be in the 20% that has obsessions alone, without the rituals. The fact that you realize that these thoughts are intrusive and not based in reality is another feature of those with OCD. People with OCD know very well that their thoughts are irrational, yet they cannot stop them.
I suggest for you to see a therapist for evaluation and treatment as it is proposed that OCD is neurobiological in nature (meaning there may be something blocking the chemicals in your brain), and a combination of therapy, specifically Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), and medication is usually utilized with success.
OCD is common sister; there are many Muslims and non-Muslims alike who are going through what you are going through, so please do not feel that you are alone (if indeed you do have OCD).
I would also suggest in sha’ Allah you also begin to engage in some relaxation techniques such as meditation or deep breathing exercises or progressive muscle relaxation. While it may not take away the intrusive thoughts, it may teach you how to relax, control your breathing and lessen the effects of anxiety when it does occur.
As far as your feeling devoid of “feeling” Islam in your heart when you do your prayers or dkhir or other spiritual endeavors, people often have a difficult time connecting to their hearts when undergoing mental/emotional duress. I would encourage you sister to read Qur’an, to continue doing dkhir, and to keep making du’aa’, asking Allah (swt) to grant you ease and to help you in your efforts to heal. Even by writing to us, with your severe worry and concern over your heart and faith is illustrating that your heart does, indeed, have the light of Allah in it and that you do care and feel even if on a subconscious level at this point. By continuing to seek to get closer to Allah (swt) despite your inability to feel it from your heart right now, in sha’ Allah your persistence will pay off and you will overcome this state of not being in touch with your heart.
While I am not an Islamic scholar, I can offer the following advice from our scholar “if you have undergone mental or spiritual illnesses, then you will be pardoned, in sha’ Allah, for your vacillation with the faith. You cannot be so hard on yourself in times of illness. Sometimes, we go through tough journeys to learn more about God, ourselves, and our power of resilience.”
You are in our prayers sister. Please let us know how you are doing.
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides.