Answer
In this counseling answer:
“Since you know that you and your wife can get along great (according to what you said about how your first 10 years were), that is a very special thing in the world today and should be preserved, if possible. I know, she ruined it, but maybe she can learn from her mistakes and restore that peaceful relationship again. Of course, if she ever does anything like this again, then you will know what to do.”
As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum my brother in Islam,
I feel your pain! The situation Allah has put you in is very difficult.
Allah created us to test us, and Allah tests the most the ones He loves the most. So, In Sha’ Allah, it is a blessing from Allah to give us hard tests. Now, your job is to figure out how to pass such a difficult test. The answer may be that it is your duty to turn her out. That will be very hard too, because of the children especially! But, the answer also may be forgiving her—no matter how difficult it is, In Sha’ Allah.
As my idea for passing this test is to forgive her, I am going to discuss that.
The reason I feel that you should forgive her is that she did not commit zeena (according to her word). If she had, I would not be advising you that way. To do that, you are going to need to stretch your forgiveness-muscle, so to speak.
“Those who are merciful will be shown mercy by the Most Merciful.” (Tirmidhi)
So, invest in that promise of Allah’s and try to find a way in your heart to forgive her.
I am going to help you to figure out a way to forgive your wife so that you can really forgive her (so your heart does not continue to hold resentment).
It may help if you tell her that you are not forgiving her for her sake but for the sake of Allah and for your soul. You want Allah to forgive you your sins so you are trying to be forgiving of others. You also forgive her for the sake of your children so that they do not grow up in a broken home. It may ease your heart to let her know all that so that she does not think that you think she deserves it. (I agree with you that she does not deserve it. This is not why I am advising you to forgive her.)
Also, tell her that because Allah allows even an apostate a second chance (to return to belief once, but only once), you probably should give her a second chance. But not more after that!
Maybe going about it this way will preserve your dignity in all this, which is what you need since you have been betrayed. I know it will be hard, but ask Allah to help you remove the anger and resentment and pain that you feel in your heart so you can see your way clear to do this very difficult thing, In Sha’ Allah.
May Allah make it easy for you and reward you with the best in this life and the next for even asking how you could get through this thing. Many men would have just left her without even trying to figure out how to deal with it!
Please, don’t get me wrong. I agree with you. This is a horrible situation and she does not deserve to be taken back. However, there are more people involved in this situation than just her. Your children, in particular, are my concern!
Since you know that you and your wife can get along great (according to what you said about how your first 10 years were), that is a very special thing in the world today and should be preserved, if possible. I know, she ruined it, but maybe she can learn from her mistakes and restore that peaceful relationship again. Of course, if she ever does anything like this again, then you will know what to do. However, I am hoping and praying that you will give her one chance to learn from her mistakes, In Sha’ Allah.
Salam,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
