I got married half a year ago. She is a very good and humble person. But she doesn't have a sexual desire at all. So, I still haven’t had any sexual intercourse with her.
I Iove her so much, that's why I don't force her. I tried multiple times to make her understand that this is my right and I have a strong desire for sex and she also understands this, but still she says she doesn't feel it.
I know her for years. We were friends, so I know she didn't have any boyfriend or sexual intercourse before. I am very sure about that. She just doesn't have any desire for sex. She says she works hard all day to feed my family and at night she gets tired so she wants to sleep.
Besides that she doesn't even like kissing. She finds all these sexual things pointless. So what can I do?
I can't have sex outside the marriage as it is zina. Masturbation is haram, watching porn is haram, but I have a strong desire. Even if she agrees to do sex, she won't do it frequently, while I personally would wish to have it every day. What can I do?
Even if she does sex with me, I know she doesn't want it, so I do not feel satisfied doing it. I don't want to force her as I love her so much. Thank you.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• There may be some things going on with your wife personally, with the relationship, or the home situation that causes her to not feel desire.
• Ask her how you can change her daily routine to make them more manageable for her.
• It is important as a couple that you spend time together, doing enjoyable things that will create a bond between both of you.
• Help her to get counseling on a regular basis.
• Make efforts to romance her.
As Salamu Alaykum brother,
As I understand your situation, you got married 6 months ago. You are concerned because your wife does not want to have sex. This must be a difficult and disheartening situation for you, brother, and I admire your patience and kindness with your wife.
Newly Married but no Intimacy
I am not sure if the two of you have initially consummated your marriage yet or not. However, intimacy is a very important aspect of marriage. You are right in saying that you don’t want to force her.
It is her choice whether or not she wants to have sex, and I’m happy to hear that you respect that.
There may be some things going on with your wife personally, with the relationship, or the home situation that causes her to not feel desire.
Too Tired for Sexual Relations
You stated that your wife says that she works hard all day to feed and care for your family, and at night she gets tired and wants to sleep.
Thus, she is disinterested in sex. Brother, perhaps you may wish to address the issue with more in-depth communication.
I kindly suggest that you sit down with her when things are calm, and ask her how you can change her daily routine to make them more manageable for her.
I am not sure how many people she is taking care of, but it may be a lot and consume much of her energy. Maybe there are others in the home who can help her out. Perhaps this is not the lifestyle she expected when she got married.
Marital Life and Expectations
You wife may have entered the marriage thinking that you and her would have your own apartment and your own lives, and therefore she may feel disappointed or overwhelmed at the current situation.
Perhaps she thought she would care for your family from time to time, but not on an everyday basis.
Entering a marriage with certain expectations and then finding another situation may be disheartening.
She may have personal issues such as depression, missing her family, a traumatic experience in the past or even a health concern. However, you will never know unless you talk to her more in-depth.
Talking with Wife
Brother, please do find out what it is really bothering her, and try to resolve it. It is important as a couple that you spend time together, doing enjoyable things that will create a bond between both of you.
It’s also important to develop an intimate relationship. By finding out what it is that is truly bothering her, you will be well on your way to resolving it, insha’Allah.
I would kindly recommend that you take her out for lunch, a walk or somewhere quiet, private, and enjoyable. Insha’Allah, ask her about her days, how she feels, what he desires and expectations are for the marriage.
Please do also ask about her health and any other details she may wish to discuss. Assure her that you love her and wish to make this a happy marriage for her as well as you.
Focusing on the Daily Activities
As your wife she says she is too tired for sex, please do listen to her carefully about her expectations for the marriage, the living arrangements, as well as what she does during the day.
If she is not happy with her tasks in the day and is fatigued from them, it may be affecting her levels of desire.
Check out this counseling video:
Insha’Allah brother, please do speak with her about these details and offer solutions such as other family members helping out, so she can get rest or pursue something she would like to do for herself. In life, there must be a balance.
Other Issues
Brother, if you find there are other problems which cause her loss of interest in sex such as feeling depressed or anxious, please do insha’Allah, help her to get counseling on a regular basis.
If she misses her family, try to find a way that she can see them more often or is in contact with them on a regular basis.
If she suspects health problems, please do ensure she sees a doctor. There can be many issues related to her lack of interest. Please do try to help resolve whatever it is.
Romance
Please, do make efforts to romance her. This would mean taking her out for a walk somewhere nice, surprising her with flowers or candlelit dinner, taking her to dinner, a show, or out with other couples for social times.
Little acts of kindness can go a long way. Find out what she enjoys doing so the both of you can do them together.
By focusing on her interests, needs and personal goals, you are sending her the message that her needs matter as well. By encouraging her to do some of the other things she enjoys (besides caring for your family), you may see a change in her desire levels.
Conclusion
Building an emotional-sexual intimacy and connection between couples may take time. As you have only been married for 6 months, please do try the above tips to resolve this issue.
Communication-inquiry, understanding (empathy), romance, as well as working on solutions together may go a long way in resolving her lack of desire. Insha’Allah, both of you will work out this issue.
We wish you the best.
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