I was married once and have no children. Although single for a long time, I am open to the possibility of a life partner.
Recently I met a very young Muslim girl and had no intentions of any kind; simple friendship and casual conversations were appropriate and nothing happened.
However, in getting to know each other a little more we have had a most interesting exchange and, it seems, that she is very eager to know more about me and to spend time together.
We are from different cultures but seem very compatible in many respects, and she seems mature for her age and does not seem to be playing games; in fact, she appreciates my spiritual views and cultural background and always wants to know more.
I do not expect anything but she really got me thinking about the possibility of something more than friendship, which I would definitely honour and treasure if it did happen. I have dated younger and older women in the past and I have no issues with that; what is important to me is honesty, compatibility, trust, etc.
Should I pursue this beyond friendship? Would it create problems for her and her family? Obviously most people would say that the age difference is an issue, but I am more concerned with the religious and spiritual differences which do not seem to be an issue at the moment. Please advise. Thanks!
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- Give yourself—and her—the space to explore each other’s real needs and try to act accordingly. It may be that the relationship is inspiring and meaningful, but perhaps you will conclude that it is not suitable for marriage. Or perhaps it is, after reflecting on your true intentions and possibilities together.
Assalamualaikum, brother,
Thank you for your question. You mentioned that you are around 60 years old and were previously married but have no children. You consider yourself a spiritual person. Recently, you met a very young Muslimah from a different culture, and despite the differences, you feel that you understand each other well.
This has led you to wonder whether the relationship could go beyond friendship, and whether you should pursue it or not. You said that while most people would focus on the age difference, you are more concerned about the spiritual aspect of the relationship, and that so far you have not noticed anything complicated.
My brother, I understand your situation. I do not know exactly how big the age gap is, but certainly age is not the first or most important factor in marriage. We know that our Prophet ﷺ advised us to prioritize religious and spiritual compatibility when choosing a spouse. However, I would like to offer some thoughts.
Firstly, I would make it clear: I cannot and do not want to tell you what to do; this is something the two of you must reflect on together. With this being said, generally, a 10–15-year age gap is one kind of situation; a 20–30-year gap or more is another. I do not know what your case is, but my comments are more directed toward very large age differences.
Marriage Goals and Expectations
For example, here is one perspective: If you consider the basic elements of an Islamic marriage—rights, duties, and the goal of building a family—you may reflect on your long-term possibilities together. You can ask yourself:
- Can you fulfill her rights over a long period of time?
- Can she fulfill your rights?
- Will both of you be able to maintain your duties in the long run?
- Is she mature enough to carry those responsibilities?Are you both capable of building a family, raising kids together?
- Can you see yourself as a father in this context, if that is relevant?
These questions may help you think more deeply about the future of the relationship.
What Is Age Gap Really About?
Another perspective concerns the size of the age gap. Again, I do not know the exact difference, but if she could be the age of your daughter or even your granddaughter, then psychologically this can raise questions. For example:
- What is she seeking in this relationship? Is she looking for a romantic partner, or is she more in need of genuine guidance or a father figure?
- What are you seeking? What does this connection mean to you at this stage of your life?
These are not accusations; they are simply reflections that can help clarify your intentions and hers.
Lessions Learnt Through Life
You also mentioned spirituality, although you did not detail what exactly your doubts are. Spirituality is important, and she may indeed be sincere, educated, and mature for her age.
However, as you know from your life experience, certain kinds of wisdom only come with time. Even if she is spiritually attuned, her young age may naturally limit some aspects of life experience and insight. Whether this is a problem or not depends on your situation, and only you can assess that.
Since you come from different cultures, it may also help to reflect on whether both of you can handle the expectations, differences, and adjustments that naturally come with that. Culture is not a barrier by itself, but it can affect daily life and long-term understanding.
Making a Decision
These are matters you can reflect on individually or discuss openly with her, since this concerns her future as well. You may involve her family and also consult a trustworthy scholar or community elder who knows your context personally. Performing salat al-istikhārah would also be helpful in seeking clarity and guidance from Allah.
Give yourself—and her—the time, space, and honesty to explore each other’s real needs and try to act accordingly. It may be that the relationship is inspiring and meaningful, but perhaps you will conclude that it is not suitable for marriage. Or perhaps it is, after reflecting on your true needs and possibilities together. Allah knows best.
I hope this helps,