Answer
Answer:
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum Sister,
Thank you for sending us your question. It appears that you are newly married and have started a new life. I ask Allah (swt) to grant you and your husband happiness and help both of you reach your full potentials as spouses.
Judging from your written question, it appears that you believe you are ready to have children, and you are frustrated that your husband doesn’t share the same feelings with you. You say that you are “longing” and “grieving” for a baby. Such words may indicate that you have a deep desire to have a child and have had this desire for a long time.
The word “grieving”, however, indicates that you somehow had hoped to have a child, but lost that hope or ability. Did you suffer in your lifetime from some kind of a loss when it comes to having children? If so, I ask Allah (swt) to help you through the difficulties associated with grief and loss and help you to regain your life back again.
Now, back to your actual question, you mention that you have a great desire to have children, but you cannot reach your desire at this point because:
a.) you are currently on birth control for health related issues,
b.) your husband does not believe that the both of you are ready to have children due to financial issues.
It seems like you are not convinced of the importance of the above two reasons, therefore, you constantly feel like something is missing in your life and makes you become even more attached to the idea of having a baby ASAP.
The first thing I would advise you to do is some self-exploration. Ask yourself honestly, “Why do I want to have a baby now as opposed to three years from now?” Why are you “longing” for a baby and what will a baby do for you? Do you believe that you are ready to have a baby?
These and other questions are important for you to ask yourself because, in order to be successful in our decisions, we need to understand all aspects of the positive and negative issues that may come up. We have to take responsibility for our actions and decisions, and knowing what we are getting into will give us more understanding and control of what may happen in the future.
Many people make decisions without thinking things through and then later fall into difficulties and feel regret afterward. For example, someone may enter into medical school not because they are interested in medicine, but because they want a career that gives them good money. Later, once that person enters into medical school or starts working, they may realize that they never wanted this profession in the first place and start to regret their decision.
This feeling of regret can cause a lot of distress to a person and make them feel inadequate or even “stuck.” So, in your situation, think about all aspects of having a child.
After you ask yourself why you want a child, ask yourself what a child needs to be happy and healthy, and what he/she may need to grow up into a successful adult.
As we all know, having children is about them, and not really about us. In other words, having children is probably the most selfless things we would ever do in our lives. We become parents knowing that we may not get what we want in return, but we continue nurturing and loving our children for their sake (and for the sake of Allah, of course). Therefore, if anyone wants to have children, they must look into themselves and their intentions and realize that they are a trust from Allah (swt) and a responsibility. Therefore, having children for the sake of entertainment, improving your social status, or the like is not acceptable.
After exploring the above issues with yourself, the next thing you must do is to discuss your feelings with your husband. You have already mentioned that he prefers to wait a few years before having children. Have an honest conversation with him about your relationship, family planning, and what kind of a family the both of you would like to raise.
It seems from your written question that the both of you have not discussed these serious issues at length before, but keep in mind that such decisions regarding family are vital and important. The both of you should come to a mutual understanding of each other’s feelings and goals regarding your present issues related to your relationship as a newly married couple, and all future plans as a unit and an individual.
For further guidance, this is a great article to read in regards to being ready for parenthood.
Hope I was able to help you,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.