Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh,
My dear sister in Islam, may Allah (swt) reward you for staying in this marriage for the sake of your children! May Allah (swt) reward you for all you have suffered for their sake and the sake of Allah (swt).
I am of the opinion that it would be better for your children if you got a divorce – of course, after you have tried everything, such as marriage counseling, and you still feel this marriage cannot be repaired. But do not stay in an unhealthy and abusive marriage.
I had a client once who did not divorce for the sake of the children and the children told me: “What good did it do for us to see them fighting all the time and our mother crying and screaming at him all the time; how was that good for us?”
The other reason I think you should get a divorce is because he abuses you verbally and emotionally. Metaphysical harm often does greater harm than physical harm does, and when they are combined, that is the greatest harm.
You also have the right to a sexual life; it is part of what marriage is for. You can have a friendship with your female and male family members and your female friends; you don’t need a husband for that. What you need a husband for is real intimacy—the deep and personal part of your being. We don’t even share that with our own mothers!
Yes, you are still married! But please double check this issue with the scholars of our website. From my understanding, you are still married even if you are not having sexual relations.
My dear sister in Islam, you have to right to be respected, loved, and cherished. This is why Allah (swt) created the institution of marriage. But from what you have told us, it seems your husband does none of that.
Your children need their mother to be there for them. If you are suffering, you cannot devote to them the kind of attention they need.
It is also important for you to consider that many times children from unhappy marriages have unhappy marriages themselves. This is a strange phenomenon but it comes from your role modeling. When children are surrounded by fighting all the time, that is what they learn—as much as they may hate it, it still “imprints” on them. As they don’t have another example to learn from, they repeat it. They may have heard of another way or seen it on TV or in their friends’ homes, but they learn from their experience of life, not from a book or TV or from seeing someone else doing it.
If you were out from under his abuse, you could flourish and grow. People don’t grow from hatred; they grow from love. So, get away from his poisonous words and attitude towards you and begin to see the light of life and enjoy the exploration and discovery that life has to offer, In Sha’ Allah.
May Allah (swt) make it easy for you, In Sha’ Allah!
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