Answer
In this counseling answer:
The first thing to do is trying to save the marriage. Both husband and wife should change their behaviors and reactions to ones which are more healthy and conducive towards rebuilding the love they had. Seeking the help of a marriage counselor and the local imam would also be important. If nothing works, for the sake of the child and the wife, the wife, islamically, has every right to initiate divorce in such case.
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum dear sister,
I am so sorry to hear about the sad situation concerning your marriage. It is not an easy situation. May Allah (swt) grant ease for you. You stated you had a good marriage until your pregnancy and birth of your child, but not having help from family or others may have caused stress in your marriage. My dear sister, while it is nice to have help with children and it is beneficial to have support from others emotionally and mentally, it is not a given in this life; therefore, we are to follow the foundations and principles of Islam in regards to dealing with stressful times in marriage.
I would kindly suggest sister that you try to save your marriage, if possible. Allah does hate divorce so it is Islamically incumbent upon us to do whatever we can to avoid divorce.
In sha’ Allah, see if your husband is open to going to marriage counseling. An Islamic counselor or imam is preferred but if that is not possible, seek a reputable marriage therapist in your area.
Additionally, sister, seek out marriage classes in your Islamic community for couples going through marriage difficulties. Communities often offer a series of classes for couples to try to work out their marriages and include topics such as good communication skills, the Islamic rights of both the husband and wife, creating loving homes; anger management, stress reduction, and more. You can do this while you are separated with the goal to resolve issues and, in sha’ Allah, reconcile.
Currently, your husband does not treat you or your child in an Islamic way. He is looking to cheat, he does not support you or your child; he is aggressive and has abandoned you to live elsewhere. These are unacceptable and haram acts in a marriage and in Islam. A husband is to cherish and treat his wife kindly as well as provide for her.
I am not sure of your relationship with your mother-in-law, but if you are close to her, she may be a valuable source of wisdom and comfort.
In sha’ Allah, you and your husband can both change your behaviors and reactions to ones which are more healthy and conducive towards rebuilding the love that you have as well as rebuilding an Islamic home and marriage. It will take compromises, dedication, hard work, and patience as well as a trust in Allah (swt). In sha’ Allah, you will both work on your relationship with Allah (swt) as individuals and as a together as a couple.
I know you are hurt, sister. No one goes into a marriage thinking it will turn out harmful, but it does happen and you are not alone. In sha’ Allah, you both need to reflect and look into each of your behaviors and thought processes on an individual level and try to change thoughts and behaviors which are destructive to yourselves and the marriage.
Sister, if things continue to go bad with your husband, he refuses to try to repair the marriage and you do fear for your safety, seek guidance from your imam in terms of safety, legalities of a divorce as well as any protections you may need to keep you and your child safe.
If there is no help available from Islamically based services, please seek out help from your local your local counseling and legal clinics. Many offer low-cost or free help for women who have been abused or who are at risk of being abused. If at any time you feel threatened or afraid, please do call the authorities. This is a serious situation and unless your husband is willing to change and make efforts to heal the marriage, you may have to initiate divorce after all venues of trying to save the marriage have been used.
Please, seek out the help of your trusted imam and find support and comfort in your Muslim sisters during this difficult time. As an ummah, we are to be there for each other in this life.
Additionally, sister, find solace and comfort in Allah (swt). Turn to Him in prayer, make du’aa’, read Qur’an and do dzhkir. All these things bring us blessings and ease.
I kindly suggest sister that you also get counseling as you have been (and are going through) an emotionally and possibly abusive time. While you may not think it has affected you, chances are it has. Counseling can help you so much, in sha’ Allah.
In time, you will heal and get over this hurt in your heart whether you resolve your marriage issues or if you have to divorce. Reclaiming your life and your rights to be treated with loving kindness as well as treating your husband with loving kindness will bring much peace and happiness once this part of your life is resolved, in sha’ Allah. You may have to go through some challenging times to resolve this but in sha’ Allah you will. I am confident that you can.
Additionally, Allah (swt) will bless you for your efforts to save your marriage and for your pious dedication and sacrifices. Remember sister, as a Muslimah, you should be treated with the utmost respect and compassion from one who is a husband.
Please, seek help and support from the Islamic Community. Get marriage and individual counseling. In sha’ Allah, do what you must to keep you and your son safe during the process and seek to look forward to a much happier life once this is resolved. Allah (swt) loves you sister and wants to see you have a happy family life. Please, take the needed steps and trust in Allah’s (swt) mercy.
You are in our prayers. Please, let us know how you are doing.
Salam,
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