My husband is studying, so he's always busy. It's so difficult to express my feelings to him. I feel he'll never understand. I feel so ungrateful to Allah as I have everything I wanted, but I still feel empty inside. It was never like this.
I used to be so motivated to do everything, especially study about Islam. I used to memorize parts of the Quran until last year when I had my first baby. A lot changed in a span of one year. I felt so overwhelmed of taking care of the baby, the house, everything.
Also, I fear of judgments all the time. I feel I have to prove myself to everyone all the time, especially to my in-laws. Even though they are good people, they indirectly question my ability to take care of my babies. Maybe I am overthinking it, but I can't handle it like before. I already feel like being a bad mother. I don't need people reminding me of it all the time. I am not very close to my family either.
I mean we do talk every day and I love them dearly, but I don't feel close enough to speak to them about my problems. I feel like I am becoming like my father. He was never been emotionally present when we were growing up. He never showed love, but emotionally abused my mother. I can barely speak to him. I just feel no connection to him at all. He used to spend all his time at his workplace. Even at home he was smoking and watching TV.
I am just not feeling like committing myself completely to my little girl. Some days are OK, but some days are really bad. On those days, I just open a laptop and play videos for my little girl so I don’t need to take care of her. I am doing all the things I hated. I am becoming the one person I didn't want to be.
I feel so guilty all the time. I can't appreciate her enough, and I don't want my girl to grow up to be like me.
I know my connection with Allah is not good, but I don't know how to fix it anymore. I feel it is damaged too much. I feel aimless in my life. I feel useless at this point. I envy all other mothers who take care of themselves and their children so well. The worst part is that I have another baby on the way. I don't know what to do. I feel so dead inside.
How do I balance being a mother and taking care of my marriage and myself?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Talk with your doctor, they may do lab work.
• Practice self-care to recharge yourself.
• Take time to ponder on the Quran you are memorizing.
• Slow down during prayer and try to reflect on the words.
• Pray in a quiet and clear area, free from distractions.
• Make duaa and maintain your 5 salah.
• Set aside Mom & Me time to be with your daughter.
• Consider a new counselor and look into Islamic counselors.
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatuulahi wa barakatu.
Thank you for taking the time to write in and share your concerns with us.
Dear sister, please know that many mothers in the world worry at some point if she is being a good mother. As you mention being online often, you see the highlight reels and perfect pictures of mothers from around the world, looking like their life is perfect. Truth is that it is a lie. What you see online is just a snapshot showing the best image, but they don’t show the hard times or pictures of the messy living room or the tears they experience on frustrating days.
What you see online is like a movie: edited and scripted with only some truth in it. The reality of motherhood is messy, frustrating, exhausting and not glamorous like Instagram and Facebook would have you believe. It is a labor of love that will push your patience at times.
Hormones
I am sure you have heard this from others, but it is important to realize your hormones are changing right now. Your estrogen and progesterone levels change dramatically during pregnancy. During one pregnancy, you produce more estrogen than an average woman does in her entire life if she doesn’t have children. This has a lot of benefits and is important for pregnancy, but it also means your emotions are on a rollercoaster ride right now.
It is important to make sure your hormones are normal for pregnancy levels and nothing irregular is occurring that could be contributing to your negative emotions. Next time you see your doctor, let them know about your struggles and inshallah they can assess you.
Self-Care
Being a mother is a fulltime job, but it is important to take care of yourself. Think about a car. If you keep driving it then eventually the gas gets low. You must refill the gas tank or else the car will eventually stop moving. Humans are no different. We need to refill our gas tanks, or you will burn yourself out. I encourage you to set aside time for things that make you happy and relaxed.
For example, you could take time to run a hot bath with relaxing spa music in the background, or go and get a professional foot massage as pregnant women often experience foot swelling and discomfort.
If you enjoy being creative, then consider painting for a couple of hours on the weekend, or sewing if you prefer to work with fabric. If you enjoy nature, then go for nature walks or drive around scenic areas. The idea is to find something that brings you joy and can fill your metaphorical gas tank. Set a date and time, put it in your calendar. Make a commitment and put a reminder on it. This is not an “if I have time”, make time.
Memorization and Reflection
I understand you are struggling with sincerity in your prayer and engaging in Islamic studies. While it is good to memorize the Quran, it is important to also reflect on what it means.
Along your memorizing, try to set aside time to ponder on what each aya means to you. How does it make you feel? What is the context of what was happening when that aya was revealed? How can this aya speak to you or impact you? Consider including your daughter with you in these discussions.
The more you reflect on the Quran, the more you bring it into your heart inshallah. This can increase your sincerity over time.
Continue trying to remember Allah (most honored, most revered) and keep that consciousness in your mind and heart. Increasing dhikr can also help you in this.
“So remember Me; I will remember you…” [Quran 2:152]
When in prayer, take a deep breath before you begin and slow down. Take your time and really listen to every word you say. Do not rush any of your movements or concern yourself with what is happening around you. Pick an area of your home that is quiet and free from distractions. This includes visual as well as auditory distractions. If you have a lot of clutter and color in front of you while praying it can distract your mind. Locate a spot that is clear and if possible, free from any physical objects other than a wall. The simpler, the better.
Check out this counseling video:
Make duaa for help in your sincerity and help in your faith. Everyone has struggled with faith at some point in their life, faith is not static it goes up and down. What is important is to keep maintaining that which is obligatory during those low moments and avoid that which is haram. Don’t overburden yourself trying to do a lot of extras and voluntary actions if this is going to make things overly difficult on you.
Mom & Me
Set aside time for you and your daughter to do something enjoyable outside of the home. It is not healthy to always stay inside. Pick an activity you will both enjoy doing together and put it on the schedule. Decide on a day and time, if you pick a specific time and schedule it then you are creating a commitment.
This will not only help your Mother-Daughter relationship and help you to feel happier, but it will also inshallah help your daughter feel happier as well. You can consider looking in your local neighborhood for “Mom and Me” classes such as cooking, fitness or art classes that parents do alongside their child.
You can also lookup Meetups for Moms in your area around the same age. This gives you an avenue to see other Mothers feeling the same pressures you are, can provide more friends for your daughter and creates a support group type atmosphere.
Counseling
You mentioned counseling and that your husband supports this. If you don’t feel that the counseling is helping you, then I would encourage you to consider trying a new counselor. Sometimes people must try out different counselors to find one that fits them. You can also look into Islamic counseling such as Noor Human Consulting or Khalil Center.
Final Thoughts
My dear Sister, here is a summary of your next steps moving forward.
- Talk with your doctor, they may do lab work
- Practice self-care to recharge yourself
- Take time to ponder on the Quran you are memorizing
- Slow down during prayer and try to reflect on the words
- Pray in a quiet and clear area, free from distractions
- Make duaa and maintain your 5 salah
- Set aside Mom & Me time to be with your daughter
- Consider a new counselor and look into Islamic counselors
It is a great blessing to have multiple children and a loving husband, alhamdulillah. What you are experiencing is not unusual my Sister. You can come out of this into a happier and more fulfilled place emotionally.
May Allah (most honored and revered) make it easy on you and provide you with relief,
Ameen.
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