I was 30 then, and I thought I was being a good son by listening to my parents, since then whenever marriage was brought up by my uncles my mother would always say he need a job or this or that.... I was working for the family business when I could of gotten married.
Now I am 37 years old and I feel hopeless and alone and feel like no women will want to be with me, I have never committed any zina or has haram relationships, I fear potentials will see it as a negative that I have not been married and I am this old or something is wrong with me or that I am lying.
I have a lot or resentment towards my parents now, I try and console myself by reminding myself that I have not committed haram for the sake of Allah and In'sh'Allah soon I will be rewarded for my patience.
Answer
In this counseling post:
- If you are economically ready, you find someone with compatible values, goals, and character, and both of you have a commitment to grow together in the deen, there should be no obstacles from your parents’ side.
- Sit down with them and let them know that you are planning to marry, and unless there are no Islamic obstacles, you are expecting their support and positive attitude towards your plans.
Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah brother,
Thank you for reaching out to us.
I understand that you had a chance to get married 7 years ago, when you were 30, but your parents said that her family was different, so you did not proceed further.
You work for the family business and can afford to marry, but your parents always come up with excuses.
By now, you are feeling resentful towards them, even if you have not committed haram for the sake of Allah.
Masallah, you seem to be a person with strong willpower, self-control, and faith in Allah, as you have successfully resisted zina.
Brother, your feelings of resentment are really understandable, as it seems that your parents present obstacles to your marriage plans.
Your determination matters
But I would like to remind you that it is actually your determination and final word that matter when it comes to your marriage.
It is about your life and your future partner, so it will be you who is going to join your life with someone else.
Your willingness and compatibility matter, and while you certainly have to be open to your parents’ opinions, the final decision should be yours.
There are certain conditions a man has to fulfill in order to be able to marry; these are mainly financial issues (to be able to maintain his future wife and pay her mahr).
Plus, there are prophetic recommendations about what to prioritize in your future spouse, namely, her religiosity.
So, if you are economically ready, you find someone with compatible values, goals, and character, and both of you have a commitment to grow together in the deen, there should be no obstacles from your parents’ side.
Naturally, every parent will look into the family their son is going to marry into, and of course, if there is mutual sympathy, that will be a plus.
But, at the end, the marriage is between you and her and not between your family and hers.
With this being said, let me advise you on the following:
Do not worry; it is never too late, brother.
Yes, some past opportunities may have passed. But instead of thinking about those, try to make a good plan in the present and take action now.
Only Allah knows, but maybe for some reason you needed those feelings of resentment to realize that you needed to stand up for your needs and wishes and get along with your plan, especially if that is in line with Islamic teachings.
And marriage is half of our deen, and surely you deserve a wife, a family, and the contentment that comes from a marriage.
I am not sure what the reasons are behind your parents delay in your marriage. Have you had an honest and sincere conversation about them? What are their fears? Are their concerns in line with Islamic conditions?
If not, you may sit down with them and let them know that you are planning to marry, and unless there are no Islamic obstacles, you are expecting their support and positive attitude towards your plans.
Start preparing & looking
So, make the decision that you will start looking for a partner.
Write down your core values—the ones you need in a partner—those things that really matter to you. You can also write a list of the “must not”s and your dealbreakers. It’s worth thinking about them before the marriage.
I also would like to reassure you that there is no need to fear that future candidates are going to question why you were not married before, etc.
Actually, what you can do is be transparent and give sincere answers to them.
I think the truth about yourself—control and loyalty—is quite appealing, so there is nothing to be ashamed of. And as we mature, we come to realize things, gain wisdom and strength, and reach a point where we can easily overcome some perceived obstacles.
You might have reached this point, in sha Allah, so there is nothing wrong with you, alhamdulillah.
Seek support
If you find a compatible candidate and you feel that everything matches while you still face disagreement from your parents, please turn to a local imam or a religious, trustworthy person and seek help and support.
He can mediate between you and your parents and help them understand what are valid concerns and what are not, and what happens if they delay your marriage for unjustified reasons.
Your parents need to understand that one day they will stand up in front of Allah and be questioned for not letting you get married due to insignificant and invalid reasons.
What matters, brother, is that in the sight of Allah, your intentions are pure and clear, and you try to fulfill His command.
May Allah make it easy for you, brother. I wish you success and a happy marriage,
More from Orsolya Ilham O.:
- Scared of Marriage and Intimacy, What to Do?
- Love My Teacher; He Is Married and Doesn’t Like Me
- Signs of Meeting My Soulmate & Future Husband
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