Answer
In this counseling answer:
- If your request was rejected or they did not have your consent for the marriage, then it is a kind of forced marriage and not an arranged one, which is prohibited in Islam.
- See how you can make this work. Try to know him with a good and open heart. Befriend him and look for good and loving characteristics in him.
- Trust in Allah that He will place tranquility, love, and affection for each other, as He says in the Quran.
Wa alaikom salam dear sister,
Thank you for contacting us.
Unfortunately, there are some problems with your marriage, according to what you present in your letter.
You have never met your husband before marriage, so you have barely had the chance to see whether you like him or not.
You were also told to be younger and not 11 years older than you, as you found out after Nikkah.
Now you are trying to get attracted to him and accept him as your husband, but you are having hard times with that.
Well, I understand your struggle, sister.
Your Rights During Marriage Search
Sister, you have the right to see your future spouse before marriage and also have the right to get accurate and valid information about him.
I am not sure whether, at any point, you have requested to see or meet him before marriage or whether you have agreed to have the Nikkah without seeing each other first.
If your request was rejected or they did not have your consent for the marriage, then it is a kind of forced marriage and not an arranged one, which is prohibited in Islam.
In this case, please try to contact local religious authorities and ask for further clarification and help.
Attraction Also Counts
If you have agreed, and you also agreed not to see him before marriage, then it is a different issue.
If this is the case, I am not sure why you chose not to see him before because, as you are now experiencing, it can lead to problems and conflicts between you and your spouse.
Being attracted to the future spouse and liking him is not negligible. Yes, the Islamic teachings emphasize other factors like the religiosity of the spouse—adherence to the deen, good character and manners, etc.—over other elements like status, wealth, or beauty.
But it does not mean that we don’t have to care about these things, as they will all contribute to marital life. Family issues, money, or intimacy are all key factors and main issues when we are talking about marital problems.
Parents should be honest and look out for your interests when they are looking for a spouse for you.
They should also know that false information will soon or later come to light, so what is the point of lying and breaking trust for the sake of getting along with their will?
What can you do?
Sister, now that you are married, you may see how you can make this work. You can try to put aside your disappointment and your ideas about the types of men you think you find attractive.
Try to know him with a good and open heart. Try to befriend him and look for good and loving characteristics in him.
I am sure that he has things that are lovable and even things that are attractive. We are all Allah’s creatures and are blessed with something adorable.
Find them and focus on these features and characteristics.
Trust in Allah
Also, trust in Allah that He will place tranquility, love, and affection for each other, as He says in the Quran. But to have His blessing, you need to let your negative sentiments go. Especially because what happened is probably not really his fault.
It is understandable that you feel disappointed, but carrying on with this disappointment won’t help you have a good marriage, unfortunately.
Search for what you have in common and try to have a positive outlook on this marriage. Talk to each other, spend time together, and build partnership and trust between each other.
You have to know that this is also a requirement if you happen to be attracted to your partner, as a marriage cannot survive only on attraction. Spouses always need to work on their marriages, make sacrifices, and find their way out together.
And probably there is no “perfect” match where you get everything you would like, but you can still have a happy marriage if you are able to accept this fact.
Here are some articles from our site that can help: Five Types of Intimacy to Practice with Your Spouse, For Married Couples: Improve Your Intimacy with These Tips, Is Love Essential Before Marriage?
May Allah make it easy for you and grant you a good marriage.
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.