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My Wife is Pregnant, but I Love Another Woman

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

May 10, 2018

Question

I’m a Muslim man, married, going to have a kid soon.

When I was 18, I fell in love with a Hindu girl (my student). I feel she loved me too but she didn’t accept as I was her teacher. Just for her happiness, I agreed but I still waited for her for 10 years as I love her too much. Later, she got married to a nice, Muslim guy. Due to family pressure, I too got married to a nice Muslim girl who is carrying my baby now. But I am still in love with that girl and can’t stop it.

Recently, she joined my class for further studies and that’s is when I got to know she is unhappy in her marriage. I can see in it her eyes that she is still in love with me. She shared all her problems and cried in front of me. I want her to always be happy and now I don’t want to lose her. I want her for rest of my life, but I don’t know how? Please, help me!

My family knew about my love since the beginning. That is the reason I rejected a lot of marriage proposals. But due to pressure, finally I agreed but I told my wife about my love for the girl as she knows the girl personally. My wife doesn’t know that I still love that girl. Please, help me.

Counselor

Answer


My Wife is Pregnant, but I Love Another Woman

In this counseling answer:

• This is a crush that has consumed you.

• Try to refocus your thoughts and attention to your wife and child.


As-Salamu Alaykum brother,

Thank you for writing to us. As I understand your concerns, you are a 30-year-old Muslim man who is married. You’re going to have a child soon. You stated that when you were 18, you fell in love with a Hindu girl who was your student. You felt that she loved you too, but you didn’t accept you as you were her sir. You said you waited ten years for her as you loved her very much. According to you, she, later on, got married to a nice Muslim guy. You also got married to a nice Muslim girl who is now pregnant with your child.

You wrote that you’re still in love with that girl and that you can’t stop being in love with her. You also stated that she recently “joined your class for further studies and that’s how you got to know that she is unhappy in her marriage”. You state that you can see in her eyes that “she is still in love with you”. You said that she shared all her problems and cried in front of you.

You also feel that you want her to always be happy and you don’t want to lose her, that you want her for the rest of your life.

Brother, there are a lot of problems with what you are feeling. First of all, what you’re going through emotionally is based on a fantasy of being with her. You don’t actually know her that well. You met her when you were young and she was your student. It appears that this is a crush that has consumed you.

Insha’Allah, you need to see these feelings for what they are: fantasies. In life, sometimes we can meet other people who strike a feeling in us that we cannot let go of and we, therefore, think it must be love and that we should be with this person.

In reality, what often happens is that we are in a vulnerable or open state of mind and what we feel becomes magnified. It becomes so magnified that as we keep thinking about it, it soon stimulates the hormones and neuro-hormones in our brain which, in turn, stimulates the “feel good” chemicals. It then becomes a sort of an addiction. We can’t let go, we just get high on these feelings and think it is about that particular person when in fact it is not.

Brother, I kindly suggest that you try to refocus your thoughts and attention to your wife and child.

While you said this girl from your past told you of her bad marriage and cried, it actually means nothing. She is in a vulnerable place and you are a familiar face. Please, do not fall into the trap of thinking there is a deep love between you. By following this illusion, you can lose a real and solid love which is your wife and child.

Your wife and your baby are a beautiful reality. This girl is just a fantasy, brother. I highly recommend that you try to look at your wife with the same emotions that are stirred when you think about this girl. Your wife is carrying your child. Your wife is the one who sacrificed her life to marry you, not the Hindu girl. In fact, the Hindu girl refused to marry you.

Insha’Allah, brother, you will look at this situation for what it is and begin to put your love, passion, and energies into the family that Allah blessed you with. This is a reality. Following this girl who is an illusion will only lead to heartache, pain, and disappointment. I am confident that insha’Allah you will make the right decision!

We wish you the best.

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

I’m Married, but in Love with Another Man

Torn Between My Wife & Another Woman

In Love with a Non-Muslim Woman, What to Do?




About Aisha Mohammad

Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word poetry projects.

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