I am a 28-year-old man. I have been married for a few months now. It was an arranged marriage followed by engagement 6 months prior.
As it was an arranged marriage. My mother showed me 2-3 pictures of my future wife. I saw and liked those pictures and agreed. Three weeks later, I saw my future wife on the engagement day. I was very happy as she is a religious girl, she is a doctor.
My mother gave me a very good feedback about the girl and her family. Just before one month prior to nikah we spoke over phone few times and chatted on WhatsApp, it was initiated by her cousins.
Before nikah I spoke to her over the phone which is wrong according to sharia as she was a non mahram to me. After nikah only I saw her closely. Few things I assumed about her.
In reality, she is average in looks. She is little shorter than I assumed. I thought she is very beautiful. I feel ashamed to share my problem here. I don't really feel attached to her. I mean she does not have eye-catching features.
It is about five months from our nikah we did not consummate our marriage.We did everything except intercourse. She feels pain. She also observed I do not really feel physically attracted to her.
She is of the opinion that I had pressure from my family for this marriage. She also caught me watching other girls on internet.
1) I really want to keep her happy. I am trying to figure out is this something wrong with me or her? Is that I am trying to discover my beautiful dream girl in her? 2) How do I convince my heart to overshadow her looks to her qualities and skills? 3) When I go out, I cannot stop my eyes to stare at beautiful girls. I feel disturbed that I have chosen her. 4) I am unable to protect my gaze when I see girls outside. Divorce is not in my mind. I really need an Islamic advice and solution. Its not her mistake too. I truly want to overcome these feelings. 5) When I see other girls, I think if you could have been with her which is completely unrealistic.
I am unable to find my dream girl in her. I know that Islamically, a woman is married for four things. Piety, wealth, lineage, beauty. Best woman is the most pious. I am praying Allah (swt) and trying to convince my heart to grow a love for her .
Sometimes I fear that I am not paying her enough attention. She always says she loves me a lot. She is very caring and sincere too.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
I think attraction between husband and wife should not be based on physical beauty as that kind of attraction would be very superficial.
However, as a husband, you can ask your wife to dress up a certain way or beautify herself as you would like to see her.
You also need to ponder on the fact that she is the one who was destined to be with you from Allah.
There must have been a good reason that Allah chose that particular girl for you and your future family that you will build together Insha’Allah.
Do focus on those good qualities of her, and be grateful to Allah for a wife who is loving and pious.
For any marital relationship to be successful, it is essential that the communication between the couples is good.
Do not hide things from her.
Increase your communication with her in any way you can. You will definitely see a positive difference in your relationship.
Assalamu Alaiykum Brother,
Thank you for reaching out for advice. Alhamdulillah, I am glad that previous counseling has made a positive impact on your relationship with your wife. I hope this answer brings you and your wife closer, physically, emotionally and spiritually In sha’Allah.
Advice
You have sought advice for three aspects of your marital life that include, how to be more attracted to your wife and find her more beautiful than other girls. Secondly, how to overcome the pain that your wife experiences during intercourse. Lastly, how to focus solely on your married life.
For the first part, you need to understand that once you are married, the wife becomes the “center” of your attention. You do appreciate that the girl left her family behind to start a new life with you. She has dreams of spending a good life with you, has children with you and beautifying your home with you while you have the responsibility of providing for her needs.
You also need to ponder on the fact that she is the one who was destined to be with you from Allah. There must have been a good reason that Allah chose that particular girl for you and your future family that you will build together Insha’Allah. Do focus on those qualities of her, and be grateful to Allah for a wife who is loving and pious.
In the Quraan Allah says,
“And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts. Verily in that are signs for those who reflect.” [Quran 30:21]
Superficial
Personally, I think attraction between husband and wife should not be based on physical beauty as that kind of attraction would be very superficial. In fact, Allah created each one of us and He gave each of us different qualities, traits, features.
There is beauty in everything and everyone that Allah has created; you just need to find out what it is. Since Allah is the Creator; we are nobody to find flaws in anybody’s height or physical features. The things that matter most are that the person is well-mannered, pious and fulfills your needs.
However, as a husband, you can ask your wife to dress up a certain way or beautify herself as you would like to see her. For instance, you can ask her politely to wear light makeup, or have a certain hair-cut, etc. However, make sure that you are providing for the “investment” she is putting on herself for your sake.
Check out this counseling video:
Build an Emotional Bond
Attraction is not necessarily based on physical beauty. There are so many ways to get closer to your wife and bond emotionally with her. When you focus on building an emotional bond, you will automatically get closer to each other physically as well.
Below are some suggestions that can help you get an emotional bond with your wife:
- Communicate with your wife more often – try to find out her likes, dislikes, fears, hopes and aspirations
- Plan out your daily activities together, and devote time to spend together
- Go out on honeymoon somewhere, if only for a couple of days
- Share your thoughts and memories with her – treat her like your friend
- Pray together
- Help her with chores
- Do fun activities together, such as playing a game, or watching a light movie together
Overcoming the Communication Gap
For any marital relationship to be successful, it is essential that the communication between the couples is good. Do not hide things from her. Increase your communication with her in any way you can. You will definitely see a positive difference in your relationship.
Also, do not be shy or embarrassed to discuss sexuality or related topics with her. You are both adults and married together; hence, discussing concerns in your mind would be essential in overcoming your problems.
On the other hand, not communicating about your concerns will lead to frustration and resentment. Girls are generally shy and wait for husbands to start discussing the topic. So, it is probably up to you to start discussing your concerns with your wife.
Dealing with Pain
There are two things that could be causing pain during intercourse for your wife.
Firstly, it is possible that your wife has an infection. Although she is a doctor, she may not be experienced about this since girls are usually shy about such topics and do not discuss it with adults. A visit to a gynecologist will solve the matter, hopefully.
It is important to rule out the possibility of infection first. If antibiotics and medication do not solve the problem, then a possible cause of pain could be that your wife is not yet mentally “ready” for an intercourse, or for some reason, she fears it. If this is the case, it does not mean that she is acting or feigning pain. The pain must be real.
So, it would be best to deal with her gently. Give her time, understand her psyche and figure out what is lacking in your relationship, that she is mentally unable to give herself to you physically. Once, again, communication is the key!
Focusing On Your Marital Life
A good wife is indeed a gift from Allah and same goes for a good husband. Ma sha Allah, you are trying to be a good husband. According to hadith,
“The most complete believer in faith is the best in morals, and the best among you is the best to their women.” [Tirmithi]
Read this article to find out about Ahadith and Sunnah of how to cherish your wife the way Prophet Muhammad used to cherish his wives.
May Allah help you both to grow together in Islam and develop a bond that strengths both of you in this world, in Deen and in the Hereafter, InshaAllah.
Amen,
Editor’s note:
Dear brother, Alhamdulellah that your wife is a good, loving and caring woman. Her appearance, according to your words, is at least good and she has a normal level of beauty so, there is nothing you hate about her.
The first thing to do is: try to forget about the image and expectations you had in mind before marriage. Don’t give much focus to what you have imagined before marriage. Instead, focus on the present and on developing emotions towards your wife.
Brother, physical beauty is not the most important quality one should look for in a wife, but good manners and good character are more important.
Insha’Allah after you have more communication with her and you both are able to enjoy intimacy as a married couple, things would be much better. But you have to lower your gaze and ask Allah to help you in this and grant you happiness and contentment.
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