One of my sisters and her husband had issues, and my sister was crying and hitting herself. His sister took his side, while I stood up for my sister.
This first led to verbal attacks between his sister and I which then turned physical. My brother-in-law joined in and also hit me. My mom stopped us and the brother-in-law eventually apologized to me.
A year later, I remarried to a mixed race man. He is an Indian Muslim, while I am a Pakistani Muslim.
Meanwhile, there was a lot of family drama when my sister was caught backbiting and gossiping about her husband’s family members.
He didn’t like it and retaliated by added everyone to another group chat and swearing at all of us. In these messages, he called my husband a bastard ‘gora’. Gora in my eyes is a kaffir.
Me being me, I told my husband & he laughed it off but was deeply hurt because he has had to deal with discrimination since he was a young boy.
When we got married, my husband wasn’t able to invite his parents because they split up. He wasn’t on talking terms with his dad, and his mum being white he didn’t want to bring her.
My parents would have been fine with it; however, he didn’t want to bring her. His mom has had to face racism through her marriage because her in-laws didn’t accept her. So he brought his grandma and his aunty (dad’s side).
My family being my family gossiped that he wasn't bringing many to the nikkah. During the nikkah, my brother-in-law (a different one) said that they don’t know who he is & don’t want to be witnesses on the nikkah. My husband kept quiet through all of this.
We agreed with my brother and mom to have a quiet nikkah; my mom agreed to it. However, my brother went to Umrah, and my mom didn’t keep her word. She invited all my immediate family. My husband didn’t want to come for the nikkah but I selfishly persuaded him to.
His grandma and aunty attended the event but told us afterwards that they got upset when they saw all the attendees. They would have preferred to bring more family members with them too.
We agreed to arrange and celebrate the wedding another day again. His dad found out about the marriage and that his mom and sister attended, and disowned my family. Hence, my husband doesn’t see his extended family much anymore.
A year later, my brother in law who made racial comment planned to go to Umrah and wanted to meet us before leaving. I agreed with the condition that he apologizes to my husband for what he said earlier.
My husband welcomed and sat him down, expecting an apology. Instead, my brother-in-law further insulted him. My husband got angry with him, and asked him to leave. When my brother-in-law refused, they got into a physical fight.
My mom and sisters all swore at us, and told us we aren’t welcomed at theirs’. My father tried to step in a mediator but we found out that my sister and brother-in-law had gone to the police to report my husband.
We have also put in a police complaint. A few weeks later, the police has dropped the complaints.
All along this, nobody in my family cared to listen to our side. They were right, and we were wrong.
My brother and one of my sister stuck by me but got told off by my mom. My sister-in-law threatened my brother with divorce if he had anything to do with my husband.
It’s been 2 years and nothing has been the same ever since. Everyone has moved on and I feel lonely.
My family has brushed it all under the carpet and expects me to do the same. I feel heartbroken. I am a forgiving person; however, I find this very hard to put behind me.
My husband doesn’t want to move on. He says that there is no shame in saying sorry if you have wronged, and he is right. He is a good husband.
We are very close, and he takes care of my 2 girls like they are his. We haven’t been blessed with anymore kids which is another thing that upsets us but we keep strong and believe in Allah’s SWT plans.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
I kindly suggest, Sister to insha’Allah ask your family to engage in Islamic study and education so that they are on the right path concerning racism, gossip, and backbiting.
Stay by your husband’s side regarding the decision to remain away from your family unless they change, apologize, and repent.
Insha’Allah, the situation with your family will be resolved, whether it’s by you keeping your distance to preserve your marriage from toxicity, or by your family deciding to truly follow Islam, apologize, and repent to Allah for their behaviors.
Possibly when you are under less stress, you and your husband will have a child. It is known to be difficult to conceive under stressful conditions.
I kindly suggest that you focus on your husband, children, pleasing Allah and living an Islamic life.
As salamu alaykum,
Shokran for writing to us with your questions and concerns. I am sorry to hear about all the problems that are going on within your family. According to your question which describes your issues with your family, it started when your sister and her husband were having problems.
Your sister was crying and hitting herself. As your sister-in-law was sticking up for her brother, you stuck up for your sister and things got out of hand. You threw something and ended up getting hit by your brother-in-law who apologize later.
This little introduction that you gave is illustrative of how your family functions in general when it comes to dilemmas or things which they do not approve of. I can understand your concern, dear Sister as this is very dysfunctional and un-Islamic.
Family Gossip and Racism
You are currently married to a man who is not within your family heritage. This is causing a great deal of problems. After the above incident, you married a brother who you referred to as mixed race. According to you, he is Indian and you are Pakistani.
There was a group chat going on in your family with a lot of gossiping, which as you know is Haram. In this group chat, your husband was called names, very insulting names. The name calling and gossip not only insulted him as a Muslim, but they were discriminatory and racist.
Sister, as you know, there is not supposed to be racism in Islam. Sadly, yes, racism does exist in Islam due to ignorance and lack of knowledge, jealousy, and even hatred. It is Haram and sinful. I am so sorry that your husband has to endure this.
Seek to Educate Family
As a Muslim, you should strive to educate your family from the Quran and from the life of our Prophet (PBUH) how racism is sinful and how Allah detests people who are racist.
You may want to sit down with your family and discuss certain surahs and hadiths which discuss racism. Acts of racism are despicable to Allah. Racism is oppression.
Intergenerational Trauma
Concerning the time when you married him, you stated that he wasn’t able to invite his parents because they split up and he was not on talking terms with his dad. In addition, because of his mom being white, he did not want to bring her.
You stated that your parents were happy to have her there. After your husband’s experiences with your family though, he did not want to bring her, fearing she would have to go through racist comments as he had to go through from your family.
According to your husband, she experienced racism in her marriage because her in-laws didn’t accept her so he brought his grandmother and his auntie on his dad’s side. I can imagine that there is much trauma suffered in his family from his mom, then passed down to him because of this evil issue.
Nikkah Chaos
During your nikkah, your family gossiped again. There were other issues and fitnah going on with your brother-in-law and others. At the end, when your husband’s father found out that he got married, they disowned your family.
On the Way to Umrah…
Another racist incident happened a year later by your brother-in-law, on his way to umrah of all things. Your husband tried to sit him down and explain to him that what he said was racist and hurts him but your brother-in-law kept on insulting him.
Your husband became angry and rightfully so. A fight broke out after which your husband was verbally attacked by your family. This case ended up in the police station and court, and was eventually resolved. Your family has moved on but you are unable to.
Two Years Later
Sister, you state that it has been two years and nothing has been the same between you and your family. They expect you to carry on like nothing happened and you cannot. You feel lonely because everyone’s moved on.
You state that your family has brushed it off and they want everything to be back to normal again. You feel heartbroken concerning all this and your husband, I imagine, is very hurt as well and he can’t move forward unless they apologize.
At this point, your husband has been through enough and he is right. As Muslims, we are supposed to apologize when we do wrong and try to make amends with the person we have wronged, as well as seek repentance with Allah. It seems that your family has not done any of this.
The situation was a very abusive situation toward your husband. I am sure he does not want to go through that again. He would need some assurance that your family has changed, that they have learned Islamic values and some human decency when it comes to the treatment of others.
Check out this video counseling:
Family Accountability
Sister, I understand that you are lonely and miss your family. However, you family needs to be held accountable for their actions. Not only did they harm another Muslim, your husband, but they committed several major sins.
While all this is somewhat in their past, it is very much in the present for your husband. Your family is toxic. Insha’Allah, your family needs to learn Islamic values and guidelines, as well as basic human ones.
Stay Close to Husband
As you and your husband are close and you love each other very much, it might be better that you both stay away from your family until they can learn what true Islam is and apologize for the way they treated your husband.
If you were to congregate with your family again, they would probably start saying mean and racist things to your husband again. It would be a horrendous situation, and possibly devastating to your marriage. Sister, insha’Allah, stay close to your husband and support him in his need to remain away from insults and racist people.
Talking with Family about Education
I would kindly suggest, Sister that you speak with your mother or whoever it is that you’re closest to in your family and ask them to seek out Islamic guidance concerning racism, backbiting, abuse, and family relations.
Insha’Allah you may wish to explain to them that you would like a relationship with them because they are your family and you love them. However, your husband deserves to be treated with the utmost respect and you are not willing to ruin your marriage or harm him by getting involved in toxic interactions from the family.
Accountable to Allah swt
Insha’Allah your family will be agreeable and open to learning more Islamic ways of life. Not only will it be of benefit to the situation with your husband, but it will also be a benefit to your family in terms of their relationship with Allah. They will be accountable to Allah for what they have done, and what they are doing if they do not change their ways and repent.
Conclusion
I kindly suggest, Sister to insha’Allah ask your family to engage in Islamic study and education so that they are on the right path concerning racism, gossip, and backbiting. Stay by your husband’s side regarding the decision to remain away from your family unless they change, apologize, and repent.
Your husband sounds like a wonderful Muslim and it would be so sad to hurt him again and possibly lose him over your family, who has done nothing but insult him and say mean and racist things. As you stated, he is a good husband who also takes care of your two girls. He is the one you should not risk losing.
Insha’Allah, the situation with your family will be resolved, whether it’s by you keeping your distance to preserve your marriage from toxicity, or by your family deciding to truly follow Islam, apologize, and repent to Allah for their behaviors.
Possibly when you are under less stress, you and your husband will have a child. It is known to be difficult to conceive under stressful conditions. I kindly suggest that you focus on your husband, children, pleasing Allah and living an Islamic life. Allah has blessed you with a wonderful husband, please do take good care of him.
We wish you the best.
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
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