Calling them to come out of study. When he's in the living room they go in the room and vice versa. He complains that their hair is showing even though they don't have to wear a scarf in the house. Most recently my 20 yr old took her Ipad up and was talking to her friend. She did this secretly. So he heard her at 11 pm and shouted at her and said for her to leave the house. She phoned my father the following day and said she wont stay here.
Now I'm in between as usual and don't know how long I can put up with this vicious circle. My other two kids don't want to be around him either and keep telling me to leave him. I've put up with him because I did.
I don't feel anything for him as he's been so bitter and complaining all the time that I've come to the point that I don't take any notice of him. I still feel guilty of thinking about leaving him. I've tried so hard from the bottom of my heart.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- Understand each other. Why is that your husband is disconnected and stays away from his family? What bothers him? And what hurts you so much that you are willing to give up?
- When you repeatedly step in to fix these situations, you may unintentionally take the responsibility away from others.
Assalamu alaykom, dear sister,
Thank you for writing to us and sharing about your family life. You have been married for 22 years, but right now, you feel that your relationship with your husband is not good — in fact, you feel there is almost no real relationship within the marriage.
You mentioned that when your husband comes home, he spends the afternoon on TikTok and doesn’t really engage with your young adult children. Instead, he often criticizes or complains.
Recently, he had a conflict with your 20-year-old daughter because she was talking to a friend late in the evening. He confronted her about it, and shouted at her to leave the house. She left home and has refused to come back. Now you feel stuck in the middle, exhausted, and unsure how to fix things.
Stepping In and Taking Over Responsiblity
Here’s something important to consider: you do not have to be “in between.”
If I understand correctly, you are trying to solve this situation on behalf of your husband and your daughter. But this conflict is ultimately between them — it was your husband who shouted and told her to leave, not you. It is his responsibility to address this issue and repair the relationship.
When you repeatedly step in to fix these situations, you may unintentionally take the responsibility away from him. If you always carry the weight and try to smooth everything over, he may never feel the need to take accountability or repair the damage.
It is essential to remember that we are responsible for our own actions, words, and behavior — not for the actions of others, even if they are our children or spouse.
We cannot seek forgiveness or repair relationships on someone else’s behalf. Your husband must take responsibility for his part in this conflict if there is to be healing.
Stepping out of the “in-between” role does not mean you stop supporting your family, but support does not mean taking over their responsibilities or solving everything yourself.
Being Disconnected and Hurt
You also shared that you feel tired of this cycle, that you have no relief, and that you and your husband don’t really talk or share a close relationship anymore. You say you’ve put up with him and don’t feel anything for him.
Sister, you have to ask yourself: is this what you want for your life? Is this what marriage means to you?
Marriage is meant to be about love, compassion, forgiveness, and partnership — about building a life together. If it is not what you experience, you have to ask yourselves, what went wrong? What do we miss? What can we do?
At some point, you may need to reflect on what you want and whether you are both willing to work to make things better, or not.
For that, you have to understand each other. What makes him stay away from his family and be totally disconnected? What bothers him? And what hurts you so much that you are willing to give up?
Probably both of you struggle with emotions under the surface, and it would be good to bring them up.
Islam encourages couples to repair and rebuild before considering separation, but that requires effort from both of you. Perhaps you can seek support — from a counselor, a trusted imam, or a Muslim family therapist — someone who can guide you both through these challenges.
I hope this helps you find some clarity and peace.