After our marriage the contact has become very limited, this is what my husband says. He never talks to her in my presence so to avoid disturbing me.
He is of the view that since she has always supported him and helped him a lot and is an old friend so he cannot cut off with her at once. But all this disturbs me a lot always. Please, guide what should I do.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
•As he is married and a Muslim, he should not be having any female friends whom he speaks to and does things with.
•When you sit down and speak with him, sister, please do it in a calm manner and not in a way that is confrontational.
•You may also want to ask him how he would feel if perhaps you had a male friend whom you were talking to.
As salamu alaykum,
Thank you for writing to us. Sister, it is very understandable that you feel upset and uncomfortable about this relationship between your husband and another female. As he is married and a Muslim, he should not be having any female friends whom he speaks to and does things with.
I am not sure in what ways she has supported and helped him before, but there comes a time when one must cut things off to do the right thing not only Islamically, but for your marriage as well.
An Uncomfortable and Haram Situation
As your husband knows this makes you uncomfortable, he needs to cut off his friend permanently. I’m sure if she is truly a good friend she will understand that he is married and should be not talking to other women or going out with other women.
You stated that your husband doesn’t talk to her in your presence to avoid disturbing you. However, this is more bothersome because what is going on behind your back that you do not know about?
While you stated it is not an extramarital affair, she does remain in contact with him and he permits it. There is a danger in friendships such as these.
Islamic Guidelines
Sister, insha’Allah, I kindly suggest that you sit down with your husband when things are calm and discuss with him how you feel. He may already know how you feel, but he needs to know the seriousness of this and how it affects you. As his wife, you come first.
When you sit down and speak with him, sister, please do it in a calm manner and not in a way that is confrontational. You are trying to get him to understand something, not to shut down.
Check out this counseling video:
When you describe to him how it makes you feel, please do insha’Allah remind him of our Islamic guidelines concerning contact with the opposite sex, especially when one is married. Unless he will be approaching this woman’s parents for her hand in marriage (second wife) he has no business continuing contact.
Creating Empathy
You may also want to ask him how he would feel if perhaps you had a male friend whom you were talking to. You may go into detail and explain if you had a male friend who helped you, and you were close to him and did not cut off contact, how he would feel about a situation like that.
Often when a person is asked to think about being put on the opposite side of a situation they created, they see the seriousness and hurt. By creating an empathy, your husband may understand the impact of this relationship and end it. When the “shoes in on the other foot, it sometimes feels tighter”.
Conclusion
I would kindly suggest insha’Allah when you speak with him, you inform him that under no circumstances do you want him talking with this woman. Assure him of your love for him but emphasize the haram nature of this relationship as well as your hurt.
Even though she’s a “friend”, the time has come in both of your lives where you are now married. Such a relationship is damaging and inappropriate Islamically.
We wish you the best, sister,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
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