When I told my family I love him and that when he converts we will marry they called me bad names and said I am stupid that it is infatuation and they beat me up. Both my older and younger brother beat me up, both my parents beat me up, my older sister beat me up, and my little sister called me names.
He is a good hearted man but they don’t see that, they see his race. I thought my parents would understand because they have an interracial marriage but they don’t. They plan to get me married and don’t tell me who they talk to. They don’t let me work or have a phone, they have passcodes on all devices. They just want me to sit home until they find me a suitable husband.
I want to run away from home but I am scared to do that. Do I listen to my family and leave my partner or should I still pursue this relationship with him and help him convert and get married? Please help
Answer
Salam Alaikom wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatuh Dear Sister,
Thank you for writing to us. I am sorry for your troubles; I will reflect on the main points you raised in your letter.
You mention that you would like to marry a Latino man who is ready to convert to Islam, alhamdulillah. However, your parents – their marriage is both interfaith and interracial – do not approve this proposal. They plan to find you another partner instead, and arrange a marriage, while you are restricted from work and phone calls.
Your question was: “Do I listen to my heart or my family?” Well, my dear Sister, to answer it with a simple answer: listen to the guidance of Allah, and what Islam says about halal marriages.
You write that your relationship until now is “halal” – you do not exactly explain what this does mean for you, so I assume that you have met someone, and you are both ready to get married, your partner is ready to convert to Islam, so you can start to establish a Muslim family.
In Islam, there are certain conditions both husband and wife need to fulfill in order to be able to get married; furthermore, they have certain duties and rights in the marriage. It is very recommendable to both gain enough knowledge of these conditions, rights and duties, specially if your future spouse is only coming to the deen now. Make sure that you have mutual consensus and willingness to fulfill them.
For example, your future husband needs to fulfill the financial conditions of the marriage: he has to be able to provide for you after marriage, and give you mahr – dowry when the marriage contract takes place.
Muslim Wali Is a Must
There are two other very important conditions that in your case have a special significance: the willingness of both of you, bride and groom; and the consent of the wali – male guardian – of the bride. The wali is usually the father. In case of his absence, it could be a brother or other male family member, or a trustful member of the community.
But first and foremost, he has to be a Muslim in order to approve your willingness to marry. In the case of non-Muslim relatives, a trustful Muslim is assigned by Muslim authorities (for ex. the imam) to conclude this role during the nikah.
My dear Sister, as you state, your father is a Hindu, so technically speaking, he cannot be your wali and consent to your Islamic marriage (nikah). Yes, the consent of your father (if he is a Muslim, and your wali) is a condition in Islam, but what if your father is from another faith? If you want to know more about this topic, please write to our section: Ask the Scholar.
Interfaith Marriage
While focusing on your concern, I need to mention that Islamically speaking, marriage only can be valid when both spouses are Muslims, or the bride is from the “People of the Book” (i.e., practicing Christian or Jew), but not the opposite – Muslim woman with non-Muslim man – and never with someone from polytheistic religions:
“Do not marry polytheistic women until they believe; for a believing slave-woman is better than a free polytheist, even though she may look pleasant to you. And do not marry your women to polytheistic men until they believe, for a believing slave-man is better than a free polytheist, even though he may look pleasant to you.” (Al – Baqarah 2:221)
Why is this important in your case? Because if your father practices Hinduism, he might be unaware and uninterested in the Islamic beliefs and rulings on his role as a father, and he probably prefers to follow the traditions of his own religion, also when it is about marrying his daughter.
So, even if you make sure that your future husband is ready to fulfill the conditions of an Islamic marriage, you still could face obstacles as your father holds himself accountable to a different religion. He may have a different stance on his role in finding you a spouse or to have your consent for the marriage.
At the same time, your future spouse’s willingness to convert to Islam is very positive, as you will avoid similar conflicts due to an Islamically invalid union between husband and wife. If both of you are sure and agree that you want to follow Islam in your life as spouses, and form a Muslim family, that would bring a firmer ground due to the similarity of values.
Interracial Marriage
Besides the interfaith aspect of your question, there is an interracial one as well: that your future husband is Latino. Again, Islamically speaking, racial differences are not valid reasons for rejecting a marriage proposal, rather the God- consciousness of the spouses:
“There is no superiority of an Arab over a non-Arab, or of a non-Arab over an Arab, and no superiority of a white person over a black person or of a black person over a white person, except on the basis of personal piety and righteousness.” (Prophet Muhammad)
These are the words of Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him), reminding mankind that no race or nationality is superior to another. Sometimes, cultural norms distort this beautiful message, giving preference to certain races or nationalities over religion and piety.
Obedience to Parents
Finally, I arrive at your last question regarding obedience to your parents in this matter. Well, in Islam, our parents have a very special role, and, after Allah, they are the second ones mentioned who deserve our honor and obedience:
“For your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And honor your parents.” (Quran 17:23)
This obedience, however, has a limit: the righteousness of the parents. As long as your parents try to conduct you according to Islam, you have to obey them, even in the case of marriage, as their advice would be based on the wisdom and guidance of Islam. At the same time, if they wish would cause you alienation from your faith, or has other basis that contradicts or not found in Islam, you do not need to follow your parents’ wish. Just remember the example of Prophet Ibrahim (SWT), who followed Islamic monotheism despite the rejection and willingness of his father.
Involving a Muslim Friend
To conclude, what I would suggest first is a kind approach towards your parents, and the involvement of a trustful, knowledgeable Muslim family or community member who could have a positive influence on your father.
Explaining the benefits of Islamic marriage and the blessings of mutual consent of bride and groom by someone who he – your father – respects might change his stance on this matter. You also could ask for further advice from the local imam on what your possibilities legally are and how to proceed in this case with your marriage.
May Allah make it easy for you. I wish you the best outcome possible.
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