Lonely in My Marriage

12 July, 2017
Q Salam, I recently got married. There was just a short period of getting to know each other before marriage, less than 1.5 months. We only met each other about a week before the wedding. It's been almost 2 months since we got married. I feel confused and lonely in this marriage because of our lack of communication. He is always very busy. He treats me well and even says that he loves me. However, we don't communicate much. I get Satan's whispering so many times already even to the point I felt I wanted to end this marriage, may Allah forgive me. I am living far away from my family as I moved to be with my husband. That adds on to my loneliness. I am confused. Please advise me on how I can be steadfast in this marriage. I never felt love toward him before marriage, but now I do have strong feelings for him, only I wish we were closer to each other. Thank you.

Answer


In this counseling answer:

The counselor advises the sister to communicate and spend more time with her husband to strengthen the bond between them. She further advises her to take the time to learn about herself and contribute to the society that will make her happy.


As-Salamu `Alaikum Sister,

Thank you for sending us your question. No doubt that any woman in your position who had just gotten married to someone whom she vaguely knows and moved far away from her friends and family would have a stressful time adjusting to her new environment. Marriage is a joyful occasion, but it is also difficult. May Allah (swt) make it easy on you and bring you and your husband closer together.

Based on what you have written in your question, it seems you and your husband had a short engagement period that did not allow the both of you to get to know each other well. Now that you have been married for two months, you still do not feel a close bond to your husband. The both of you are not communicating much because he is busy and works long hours. To add to that, you have moved away to an area that is unfamiliar to you with few or no friends. Of course, you are going to feel lonely!

My advice for you sister is two-fold:

The first thing, you should focus on is your relationship with your husband. Take some time and think about how your relationship has been from the first time you met until now. How has it improved? What do you like about your husband? What do you wish you specifically had more of in your relationship? (For example, more intellectual conversations, more leisure activities, more physical interaction, etc).

It seems the both of you have positive feelings towards each other, but unfortunately, these feelings are not communicated between the both of you. You have mentioned that your husband treats you well and tells you that he loves you. These are great examples of positive communication that you can build on. Tell him how you feel about him, and from then start a more emotional conversation with him.

You said that you both do not have time to talk throughout the day, but it is important to mention that in order for your relationship to improve and your bond to strengthen, you need to make time for each other. You can start even with a five-minute conversation and build on it with time.

Find time to talk whether it is before you go to sleep, during dinner, while watching television, or any other time. Spend time with each other, take walks, go on outings, especially during his days off. Be positive and proactive and break the silence between the both of you. Marriage is an investment so invest your time and energy into making your marriage strong.

The second thing that is important to mention is that we all need to realize that we are in charge of our own happiness. We cannot be dependent on others to make us feel content with our lives. Instead, we need to find happiness and contentment within ourselves.  

While you husband is working long hours, take the time to focus on your heart. Spend time learning about yourself, your strengths, and weaknesses, your hopes and dreams, etc. Learning about yourself and building on your strengths may mean contributing to society in a positive way through volunteer work. Go into your community and offer your time at a local school, community center, or masjid. You can tutor students, assist at soup kitchens, etc. It is known that people who serve society are the happiest because they are offering the best of themselves to the world, and that feels good!

Make good company, attend a halaqah, or enroll in a few classes to further your education and knowledge about a subject that interests you. Filling your time with positive things also means that you will be spending less time focusing on what you perceive as negative in your life. The waswasa that you mentioned in your question will cease to be on you, in sha’ Allah.

Salam,

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About Aliah F. Azmeh
Aliah F. Azmeh is a licensed clinical social worker who practices in Detroit, Michigan. Aliah graduated with a Master's degree in Social Work from the University of Michigan in 2007 and has experience working in the United States and overseas. Aliah currently works as a clinical social worker and provides individual, family, and marital counseling at Muslim Family Services in Detroit, MI.