It makes me feel like I am forever going to be a second-place in his heart because I will not be his “first time” for anything. I have prayed istikhara various times and engaged in dikhr to soothe these negative feelings.
It has been a year since our engagement and I am not sure whether I should proceed with marrying him or not. How do I get rid of these retroactive feelings of jealousy?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- It’s okay to feel this way. What matters is how you process it and move forward with wisdom and faith.
- Try to understand what fears are being triggered within you. Working on them can help you enter your new life with confidence, self-awareness, and a stronger heart.
Assalamu alaykum, sister,
Thank you very much for your question.
You mentioned that you are dealing with retroactive jealousy — meaning you have recently learned about your fiancé’s past relationship and that he has previous experience, while for you, he will be the first man in your life. You also said that after your engagement, you came to know about his past sins, and this has been difficult for you to accept.
Not His First One
What troubles you most is the feeling that you will always be “second” in his heart — that you will not be his first one in certain experiences. This thought makes you anxious, and you’ve tried to seek guidance through istikhara and dhikr, wondering whether you should continue with the engagement or not. Most of all, you’re asking how to calm your heart.
It’s completely understandable to feel this way. Many people struggle with these emotions when they learn about their spouse’s past. What matters is how you process it and move forward with wisdom and faith.
Remember, Allah does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear. If you are facing this test, it’s because you have the strength to overcome it. Perhaps this situation is a guidance toward a deeper understanding of yourself and marriage.
Perceived or Real Threat?
To begin with, in order to calm your heart, approach your feelings with curiosity and compassion. Try to understand what fears are being triggered within you. From what I can see, this situation involves a perceived fear, not a real, present danger.
Your fiancé seems to have been honest and sincere with you and is trying to start a new chapter in his life. Yet, deep down, you may feel threatened — afraid that you are not “good enough” or that you might lose his love.
It’s true — you are not the first woman in his life. But what truly matters is not who came before, rather how the two of you build your relationship now. The strength and quality of a marriage depend on the love, trust, and emotional connection that you will nurture together.
So, if it is a challenge, try to see it as an opportunity to heal and grow, and to strengthen your self-worth and confidence in your capacities.
Healing Your Fears
Ask yourself honest questions: What is the real fear behind these thoughts? Why does this feel like a threat to your marriage? Where are these feelings coming from?
If your fiancé has a child, it would also be wise to have open and sincere discussions about his role as a father — not because it should bother you, but because it’s part of his life and will be part of yours too. Seeking clarity with kindness will help you see things with more understanding and good faith.
Finally, I encourage you to consider some counseling or pre-marital guidance. Working through these fears before marriage can help you enter your new life with confidence, self-awareness, and a stronger heart.
May Allah bless you with a marriage built on love, trust, and tranquility.