He is trying his best to cheer me up and I don’t want to hurt him telling him I am not happy. All he does is trying to make me happy and I don’t want to have a divorce because I don’t want to disobey Allah.
He doesn’t like people getting divorced, and I don’t want to hurt my husband because he loves me. What should I do?
Answer
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It is important that you understand what exactly is it that you want from your marriage.
Knowing what you want helps you pinpoint the things that are acceptable for you and the things that are unacceptable for you in the relationship.
Divorce is an option only when you have explored other options that are available to you.
It is vital that you communicate to him what is bothering you.
Seek marriage counseling.
Wa Alaikum Assalam sister,
Thank you for writing to us. In your question, you have mentioned that you suddenly feel unhappy with your marriage, after one year.
It has been one year since your marriage and it was a marriage of love. However, you just feel unhappy and dissatisfied.
You have not mentioned about your feelings to your husband, as you feel he will feel hurt and unhappy.
You have been thinking about divorce but you don’t want it as you think it brings Allah’s displeasure.
It does sound that you are currently going through a lot of emotional turmoil.
Getting married to a person you love, cherish and value is something that every girl dreams of.
While you were among those people who married for love – but you feel unhappy.
I feel a strong admiration for you to be able to accept and voice out your concerns as sometimes women tend to feel ashamed for having chosen a partner and not being happy with them.
I am glad that you are strong enough to acknowledge your emotions at an early stage.
It is important to find what is causing distress in your marriage, and what are the things in the marriage that are making you dissatisfied.
Is it something about your husband or his character? Is it the environment that you live in?
Or is it about any rules and restrictions in your husband’s home that you feel unfulfilled or suffocated?
There could be a multitude of reasons for your dissatisfaction with the marriage.
Initially, when a couple gets married, they are enjoying the company and the newness of the relationship.
However, as time goes by – the partners begin focusing on the things on the marriage or relationship that they would like to improve or change.
Sometimes doubt if we would be able to change the specific attributes in our partner/ spouse and the environment.
This is when we start feeling hopeless, helpless and depressed about the relationship.
We are so used to giving our partners only love, approval and positive feedback that when it comes to addressing things which we would like them to change; we feel guilty and embarrassed about expressing what we want from the relationship.
Alot of women have a natural tendency to avoid conflict by not voicing out what they want.
However, it is also important to understand that a healthy relationship entails both – being able to express positive emotions and well as negative ones.
Understand What You Want From the Marriage
Sister, it is important that you understand what exactly is it that you want from your marriage.
Knowing what you want helps you pinpoint the things that are acceptable for you and the things that are unacceptable for you in the relationship.
A divorce is an option only when you have explored other options that are available to you.
Authentic Communication
Sister, communication is the building block of trust and a healthy relationship.
It essential that you are able to voice out your positive emotions such as joy, love, happiness and also the negative emotions such as hurt, dissappointment, sadness and anger – in an appropriate way.
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Communication is the key through which we operate in relationships – therefore, it is essential that you be open about your feelings to your husband.
Let him know what is triggering your unhappiness, and what would you like changed in the relationship.
It is vital that you communicate to him what is bothering you.
Expressing Your Needs Assertively
There are many ways to communicating your feelings, and sometimes the partner tends to get defensive about the feedback you want to give them.
Therefore, it is important that you use assertive communication when telling him why you feel unhappy in the marriage.
Assertive communication can help you avoid conflict and at the same time get accross the message about how you feel.
Assertive communication is done by using ”I – Statements.”
For instance, you can tell your husband that ’I feel dismissed when you come home late” or ’I feel I need some time for myself during the day, otherwise I feel unstisfied…” etc.
You can use these I statements to express any of your feelings, it will allow your husband to understand you without feeling attacked or blamed.
Consider Couple’s Counselling
If you feel that you are unable to resolve the issues on your own – you may want to consider couple’s counseling if your husband is ready for it.
In case your husband is not ready for couple’s counseling, you can go for personal counselling and therapy to better understand your own patterns as well as your husband’s which may be creating a rift between you two.
Marriage In Islam
Sister, marriage is undoubtedly a very esteemed and sacred institution in Islam.
Marriage in Islam, protects a woman and her rights, as it gives women protection, shelter and also financial support; and also minimizes the chances of evil and sin in society.
However, if marriage becomes more a source of pain and unhappiness than of happiness or contentment – it can again lead to sin or at least an unfulfilled life.
Divorce In Islam
While divorce is an unfavorable act in the eyes of Allah SWT, but it does not mean that it is not allowed.
Allah SWT has given both men and women the permission to seperate from the marriage if they feel that their rights are not being fulfilled, or even if they are unhappy in the marriage.
In the Quran Allah SWT says,
“Whether you conceal what is in your hearts or bring it into the open, God knows it: for He knows all that is in the heavens and all that is on earth; and God has the power to will anything.” – [3:29]
Starting A Family
Sister, it is very important that you are sure about the status of your marriage and your relationship with your husband before you plan to start a family.
Very often, muslim couples feel that offspring will help the relationship improve or get better.
Or sometimes couples feel as though they will work out their differences over time – but they dont want to waste time in starting a family.
I would advise you against this. It is important to know that starting a family; bringing a child into the picture only makes things more complicated.
Therefore, it is essential that you work out the issues in your marriage before you start a family.
Asking Guidance And Support From Allah SWT
Last but most important – ask Allah SWT for guidance and help. Talk to him in prayers. Ask Him to clear your heart and understand your unhappiness.
If you still feel confused after everything – do an Istikhara and ask Allah SWT to make the path which is better for you – clear and easy.
May Allah be with you in all that you do.
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.