When I try to discuss this, he becomes rude and tells me not to bring it up. I'm torn between respecting his wishes and feeling uncomfortable about hiding this important part of my life.
Should I avoid discussing this topic to maintain peace in our relationship, or is there a better way to approach this situation?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- There are two different needs and two different fears here—yours and his—and they are clashing.
- Sit down together for an honest conversation. Speak openly about your fears and invite him to do the same.
- True discussion is about listening, understanding, and creating space for each other’s voice.
Assalamu alaykom, dear sister,
Thank you for writing to us.
From what I understand, you are struggling with a sensitive issue in your marriage. You have a child from your previous marriage, and your current husband has accepted them.
Marrying a Divorcee
However, he wants to hide this from his family that you are a divorcee because he has concerns about his dignity in marrying a divorced woman.
On the other hand, you feel both uncomfortable and hurt about hiding such an important part of your life. When you try to discuss this, he becomes rude and tells you not to bring it up. You are asking what to do.
I see that there are two different needs and two different fears here—yours and his—and they are clashing. According to your letter, his fear seems to be about his dignity perhaps due to family pressure, cultural expectations, or personal insecurity.
Because of this, currently he feels unable to reveal that he married a divorcee. But remember, sister, he chose you.
Despite possible family pressure, he married you, and he is with you. And to me, that shows his commitment. Yet, at the same time, he fears conflict or rejection from his family.
On your side, you also have something very important—your child and your desire to live openly and honestly within this marriage and family. Ask yourself, what are your fears behind?
Perhaps losing your identity, your self-respect, or even him as your new family. These are deep concerns for both of you. And maybe, you share more than it might seem at first sight.
It seems both of your fears are strong enough to block mutual understanding right now. When he becomes rude, it may not be because of you personally but because this situation feels too heavy for him to handle.
What can you do?
What I suggest is that you sit down together for an honest conversation. Try to ask about his real perspective and share yours. Speak openly about your fears and invite him to do the same.
Approach this not as a fight but as a chance to understand one another. Try to listen without taking it personally. See that his stance may come more from his own struggles than from rejection of you. And ask him to do the same for you.
Once you both understand each other’s fears and perspectives, you may realize that—despite everything—there is love, care, and a desire to be together. From there, you can explore what middle ground can be found.
You also asked whether you should avoid discussing this topic to maintain peace in your relationship. That depends less on the topic itself and more on how you discuss it. Communication is vital, but sometimes what we say is not what the other person hears.
True discussion is not about saying, “This is what I want, and you must do it.” It’s about listening, understanding, and creating space for each other’s voice.
One approach could be to say: “There is something that is bothering me. I am seeking to understand your perspective. Please allow me to also share my feelings and fears.” Do this gently, without pressure, without hidden motives—just with genuine curiosity.
Remember, people need time to process and accept things. Perhaps your timing is different from his.
He may need more time, and you may need more patience. At the same time, he also needs to recognize your wish to feel whole and fully accepted in this family.
I hope this helps, sister. May it make things easier for you.