I always have the feeling that she still loves him and not me even though she doesn’t say so. I came to know she has searched about him on Facebook. When I asked, she promised on my son and on my head that she did not. Later she confessed. Now, again she is checking on him. Every time I am worried about the fact that maybe I will be cheated one day. She even told on my face that she did not like me, and she only married me because of her parents.
I am depressed for the last four years. Many times I think of divorce, but I don’t want that to happen in my life. This sadness that I was cheated on hurts me all the time. I can’t concentrate on my work either. I love her, and I love my son, but my heart is in pain 24/7. I am jealous of them, too. They loved each other so much, but because of religion, her parents did not allow them to get married.
Please help me. I don’t know how to calm my mind even after 4 years. I saw many psychiatrists, had many medicines for depression, but nothing has worked. Please help.
In this counseling answer:
• The first thing that needs to take place is to have an open and honest conversation with your wife.
• Improving the marriage would entail that both of you identify what needs to be changed and/or improved pertaining to your relationship.
• If your wife tells you that she is in love with the other man and cannot get over her love for him, then it is her responsibility to also choose what to do about it.
As-Salamu `Alaikum Brother,
Thank you for sending us your question. I am sorry to hear of the pain that you have been experiencing in your marriage. I ask Allah to help you and your wife sort out all the complications and difficulties that have been occurring and give both of you patience and perseverance to choose the best route possible.
It seems your wife was in a relationship with another man prior to marrying you. You mentioned that their relationship was a strong one, and both of them shared a strong bond with each other and had feelings towards one another. Due to this man’s different religious background, they were not able to marry.
Later, your wife married you through an arranged marriage even though it appeared that she still had unresolved feelings for her former lover. Now, four years later, your wife has been showing signs of longing towards her former lover and has tried to look for him on Facebook. You have caught her looking for him, and when you confronted her, she denied everything. Apparently, after more investigation and arguments, your wife later confessed and said that she “did not like me and married me because of her parents.”
As a result, you felt betrayed and suffered from symptoms of depression. You even sought treatment for yourself through psychiatrists that have been prescribing your medications, “but nothing has worked.” You are confused about what to do next and how to solve this issue.
The first thing that needs to take place is to have an open and honest conversation with your wife. It would be ideal if this takes place with the assistance of a marriage counselor. You and your wife both need to discuss how you both feel about your marriage, and what you want to do about those feelings. So, if your wife feels like the marriage isn’t working out for her, ask her “what do you want to do about it?”
There are options for her. If she (and you, of course) wants to make this marriage work, then both of you have to commit to it sincerely and wholeheartedly with the intention to improve the marriage. This will require a lot of patience and energy, but it is certainly worth it in the end. Improving the marriage would entail that both of you identify what needs to be changed and/or improved pertaining to your relationship. Know that it is very difficult for the marriage to improve if you or your spouse is unwilling to contribute to its improvement.
If there is a problem, then we must be proactive and diligently work to change the situation. We cannot avoid the situation and hope that with time it will solve by itself. Things happen when you make them happen.
Check out this counseling video:
If your wife tells you that she is in love with the other man and cannot get over her love for him, then it is her responsibility to also choose what to do about it. If she wants to stay married to you, then that would include her choosing to get over her former lover. I would highly recommend her to undergo individual counseling for her to reach that goal (if that is what she chooses).
If she does not want to do anything about her feelings and wants to stay married to you, then you also have to talk about what you expect from this marriage and state whether you are fine with her being “in love” with another man.
Marriage is a partnership and it is about compromise and having empathy for your spouse. If there is no empathy or an emotional connection between the spouses, then most likely the quality of the marriage would not be satisfactory.
As you can see, your situation requires that both of you be honest, to make serious decisions, and to take responsibility for your decisions.
Again, I cannot stress enough the importance of marriage counseling for your situation because it can help both of you to make more clear and informed decisions.
May Allah help you,
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.