I am writing just to get some relief. I am 30 years old and married for 1 year. My wife has absolutely no sexual desire at all. she doesn't even want to kiss or like to be touched.
After marriage she told me she needs 1 year to prepare herself for sex. I love her so much that is why I didn't do anything with her for 1 year. Night after night I slept with my young wife but didn't do anything.
Now 1 year has past. When I say to her your 1 year that I gave you is over let me show love to you, she still is not interested.
Don't get her wrong. She is a very good person and she loves me so much. We have known each other for 8 years. She just doesn't have any sexual desire.
I can't marry someone else cause I love her and I want to spend my lifetime with her. At the same time I can't divorce her because I can't live without her.
She doesn't let me touch her but she will not stay with me if I marry someone else. Her thinking is that I have to stay only with her but she doesn't have sexual desire towards me. I told her it's a sin.
She also understands that, but she just doesn't have anything. I am addicted to porn, masterbation etc. She understands this is wrong but she doesn't help me.
It's a modern era, so if I get angry or shout at her she won't tolerate it. I don't want to lose her. Thanks
In this counseling answer:
Being intimate is a part of your rights in marriage.
Have your wife get medical and mental health exams to rule out any issues.
I kindly suggest that insha’Allah you speak with your wife about going to the doctors to get a complete physical.
The point is, you both deserve to be happy in your respective natural selves. This may require sacrifices and/or compromises.
Shokran for writing to us. I am sorry to hear about your issues with your wife. It sounds like you are very dedicated to your wife and marriage and aside from the lack of intimacy, the two of you do love each other and get along well.
Intimacy however can be a big issue when it is missing from marriage. The fact that you have not even consummated your marriage yet is a difficult concept.
It is very difficult as you already know, concerning remedies for this situation. You are 30 years old and you have been married for 1 year yet have not consummated your marriage.
You stated that your wife will not let you touch her and she does not have any interest in being intimate with you. Also that you love her very much and she’s a good person but she just does not have any sexual desire.
Brother you have already contemplated and ruled out your options. Your options are divorcing her which you do not want to do because you love her. Taking a second wife which you cannot do because she said she will leave you.
Continuing your addiction to porn and masturbation (which porn is Haram). Masturbating all the time when you have a wife is probably very frustrating as you should be able to make love. Given that you are married you should not be forced to have to masturbate.
Brother I am wondering if this issue was discussed prior to marriage. This is a situation that should have been disclosed as it impacts a marriage greatly.
If she knew that she did not want to have sexual relations within a marriage that should have been made known so that you had the option of marrying her with these conditions or changing your mind.
Check out this counseling video:
Intimacy and Marriage
Being intimate is a part of your rights in marriage. It is a natural connection, joy, and closeness that married couples share. It would be just like if the situation was turned around and you did not want to be intimate with her. She would have the right to divorce.
There is also the right to know about serious or impeding conditions one may have that could interfere with a marriage, deny one’s rights, or damage a marriage.
You had the right to know prior to marrying that she was not interested in intimacy. Then there is the issue of children, as you also know, if there is no intimacy there will be no children. Have you and your wife discussed this aspect?
Medical and Mental Health
Brother I kindly suggest that insha’Allah you speak with your wife about going to the doctors to get a complete physical. Perhaps there is something medically wrong that is preventing her from desiring sex.
It could be hormonal, it could be a physical condition relating to her female parts, or numerous other things. I would also kindly suggest insha’Allah that she sees a counselor.
It may be that your wife has certain mental blocks or fears pertaining to sexual desire and intimacy. She did say she needed one year to prepare for sexual relations. I am wondering why one year and what did she do to prepare? Perhaps she had a traumatic experience.
Maybe she was abused as a child. Possibly she has a mental health issue that prevents her from becoming aroused.
I am not saying that any of these ideas are true, I am just suggesting possibilities to explore so you can help her get to the reason for her lack of desire-or her fear.
When one partner does not have an interest in sex and intimacy especially the first few years of marriage, a medical and mental health exam should be conducted. This is good to rule out anything that could be interfering with desire.
There are people who are asexual as well and it is not a disorder and there’s nothing wrong with them that is just the way they are. Perhaps this is her situation. But again, if it is, you should have been informed of this prior to marriage.
If this turns out to be the case and she is truly asexual and there is nothing causing her lack of feelings that can be remedied, then you do have choices which you may want to reconsider in the future. These choices are not only for your fulfillment in life but for hers as well.
If she is asexual, she should be respected in her sexuality and not have to feel pressured all the time. You deserve to be happy as well and enjoy sexual relations. The point is, you both deserve to be happy in your respective natural selves. This may require sacrifices and/or compromises.
Marriage Counseling and Re-contemplations
As you’ve already reviewed and contemplated your options and found none of them to be suitable for you at this point, perhaps after ruling out possible medical or mental health issues, you may want to try marriage counseling.
Marriage counseling may help to ease some of the tensions which are naturally arising between the two of you because of the situation. Counseling may also assist with re-examining both of your options.
As far as the intimacy part of your relationship. You might want to reevaluate your options in a few months-or years. If she is unable or unwilling to have intimate relationships with you, a second wife should not be a threat or an obstacle for her.
Perhaps that is something that you could talk more to her at a later time. Perhaps Islamic marriage counseling could help reintroduce this idea and make it more palatable for her.
Brother I can imagine this is a most difficult situation. You are frustrated, probably hurt, and not sure what to do at this point. You both love each other, that is a great blessing.
Insha’Allah have your wife get medical and mental health exams to rule out any issues. Insha’Allah try marriage counseling. If it turns out that your wife is truly asexual she should be willing to make some compromises as she did not disclose this prior to marriage.
Just as you should not keep pushing her for sex, she should not expect you to live your life without sex and intimacy. It comes down to a respect for each other’s sexual preferences and making compromises so you both are happy and fulfilled in your respective positions.
As a Muslim, you have more healthier and halal options than others in your situation. We wish you the best.