Answer
In this counseling answer:
- While cultural or family interests may do, Islam does not ask a woman to erase herself or live a lie. While patience is a virtue, emotional neglect of oneself is not righteousness.
- Make genuine efforts to bond with your husband and spend time together. Focus on your own efforts—what you give and what you put into this marriage. Individual counseling would be beneficial to help explore the reasons behind your reluctance.
Assalamualaikum, sister,
Thank you for your question. You explained that you got married two years ago, but you do not live together with your husband. You only visit each other on study breaks and on holidays. He is a very nice person and is very kind to you, as is his family. However, you do not feel anything for him, and this makes you struggle.
Your mother has advised you to remain in this marriage, saying that many women do not feel anything for their husbands, yet they stay. You were told to fake your feelings and pretend, because many women have to do that.
Well, sister, I am really sorry about your situation. You did not explain whether this was an arranged marriage or not—probably yes.
How did you decide that you wanted to get married? What was the basis of the decision? Did you choose him, or were you advised to do so? Why did you agree?
These are questions you have not answered in your letter, and it would be helpful to know what led you to enter this relationship.
You do not explain what can be behind your lack of feelings. You say that he treats you well, which is good, but it may not be enough to feel love for him.
About Feelings
The thing is that feelings, love, and care do not really come out of nowhere in a relationship, we have to build them up. Secondly, they are always fluctuating. Also in marriage, feelings are not constant. By nature, feelings come and go, and we should not base our relationship on this constant fluctuation.
What we have to build in a marriage is a sense of belonging, connectedness, attachment, commitment, and compromise—and, of course, this requires effort. Feelings of love, affection and care will follow these components.
You mentioned that you have tried to feel love and affection for him, but it is having the opposite effect. I can understand why this is happening, because these kinds of feelings cannot be forced.
But, dear sister, if you do not spend time together and have little physical contact, it is difficult to develop feelings. You cannot get truly close to each other, therefore you are not going to feel attached.
Regarding your mother’s advice, I do not really agree when she says that it is okay for women to feel nothing in their marriages and simply fake their feelings.
Fake Feelings
Even in arranged marriages, there must be mutual consent. Family involvement does not mean that interest, willingness, and consent are irrelevant. When a person consents willingly to marriage, they usually have an interest in the other person and a desire to know them, bond with them, and care about them—feelings that then develop naturally.
Unfortunately, many people get married without truly wanting to, simply to avoid disappointing their parents. This can lead to situations like the one you are experiencing, or your mother advised to do, but this is not how marriage is meant to be, nor is it an example to follow.
While cultural or family interests may do, Islam does not ask a woman to erase herself or live a lie. While patience is a virtue, emotional neglect of oneself is not righteousness. Your feelings are a form of amānah (trust) that deserve acknowledgment, not suppression.
Faking feelings will not make you feel authentic or honest. In relationships, we must learn to be ourselves while remaining respectful. This does not mean disrespecting your husband, but pretending to feel something you do not is not a healthy solution. A marriage devoid of emotional honesty eventually leads to resentment or emotional burnout.
What can you do?
You said that your husband is a good person and he cares about you, alhamdulillah. Try to ensure that you have made genuine efforts to bond with your husband and spend time together. I do not know whether there is a possibility for you to live together, but that would give you a real opportunity to work on the relationship. Long-distance or limited-contact marriages make it very difficult to truly know the other person.
I would also suggest focusing on your own efforts—what you give and what you put into this marriage—rather than relying on what you receive or how his actions affect you. You need to try to take the initiative by deciding that you want to make this work and that you are willing to work on it.
Focus on your own actions, energy, and efforts—what you contribute to the relationship. If you struggle to do this, then individual counseling would be beneficial to help explore the reasons behind your reluctance to take action.
If you have sincerely tried to get close to each other—without forcing anything—and you still find yourself struggling, then seeking marriage counseling would be beneficial. If after mutual efforts, you realize that you have nothing in common, or that he is not a good match for you in terms of religion, personality, or values, you can begin to reflect seriously on whether this marriage is right for you.
I hope this helps,
May Allah make it easy for you.