I am comfortable with my partner having oral sex and all, but when it comes to intercourse, I am getting scared and pushing him away and his mood is going down because of this. Is this bad in Islam?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
It is not uncommon to be fearful of sex if you have never experienced it.
I would kindly ask you to make a list regarding your fears. Please write down what it is that you are fearful of.
Please make another list next to your “fear” list about the benefits and pleasures you may obtain and give through penetration with your husband.
Keeping the lines of communication with your husband is best.
As salamu alaykum sister,
The fears and apprehension you have regarding penetration are common among newly married brides or those who have not been with their husbands much due to distance. Having intimate relations with your husband in this way is new to you and of course scary. However, this is not an uncommon problem and it can be resolved insha’Allah.
Islamic Viewpoint
Based on Islamic foundations of marriage, intimacy and penetration is expected unless otherwise known and agreed upon for valid reason such as injury, specific disability, etc. Sex is part of marriage and it is a point of bonding. It is one of the rights a wife and husband have over each other. However, it is not to be forced (rape) nor is coercion, threats, or bribery to be involved. It is a mutually consensual act of love.
Fears
Sister, I would kindly ask you to make a list regarding your fears. Please write down what it is that you are fearful of. Is it pain? Is it related to unfamiliar feelings of penetration? Is it related to something you have been told about penetration? Is there something in your past that has traumatized you regarding penetration?
These and other questions you may think of as you are making your list are useful in pinpointing what is the exact fear response and expected outcome. Please note that if you do have pain in that area, please get checked out by your GYN.
Listing Concerns may Help to See More Clearly
Sometimes when looking at a list of fears it can become less fearful. That is to say, when we read a word or two of what we have written and think about it, we realize that there is no validity to that point of fear.
Therefore, that point can be crossed off and moved on to the next point. In sha Allah once you organize your fears and apprehensions you can eliminate them. If there is one or two that you cannot eliminate, maybe you need to look at it closer and analyze its significance in relationship to you and your body.
Benefits
Sister, please make another list next to your “fear” list about the benefits and pleasures you may obtain and give through penetration with your husband. In sha Allah, this list will be longer than your fear list.
I encourage you to read your benefits list daily so that you can retrain your mind to focus on the positive and good benefits and feelings from being intimate in this way with your husband.
Misunderstandings and Frustration
Sister, as you are married and have been for more than 2 years, it could be that your husband may eventually become very frustrated with the situation. When two people marry, it is with the expectation that they will have sexual relationships which of course includes penetration.
When one marries another and is not told that there are sexual issues, they may feel like they were lied to or they were deprived of information that is important to marriage and intimacy.
Importance of Communication
Keeping the lines of communication with your husband is best. As you talk about your vulnerabilities regarding fear of penetration with him, it may relieve him of some of his own fears which may be growing such as fear you do not love him, fear he is not attractive, fear he is not adequate, and so forth.
Talking with Husband
Sister, after you have made your list and have become clearer on what it is you fear and why I encourage you to speak with your husband insha’Allah. You may wish to share your lists with him or keep them for private, but do tell him how you feel, what you learned about your fears regarding penetration as well as the pleasures and benefits.
Ask him if he will help you to make this easy for you for your first couple of times. There may be things that the two of you can do together that will prepare you and make you feel more at ease. By involving him in the process insha’Allah it will make your husband feel included and an important part of the process of getting used to a new experience.
Make it Fun
As you and your husband discuss and try new things to ease into penetration, don’t forget to make it fun, comfortable, and creative! This can be part of the bonding and building process that makes your intimate life more endearing and enjoyable.
Conclusion
Sister, insha’Allah once you have identified exactly what it is that you fear and devise (along with your husband) creative and fun ways to resolve it, insha’Allah you may begin to enjoy one of the benefits of marriage provides (and your husband as well!).
If for some reason when exploring your fears, you find there may have been trauma in your past, please do seek out counseling in your area for more in-depth assessment and counseling.
We wish you the best.
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general. They are purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.