My problem is that I don't love my wife that much now! This is the reality. I have tried to force myself to love her more, but I still can't achieve this. I have made lots of du`aa', but I don't see any improvements. Allah knows best.
Nowadays, I am always thinking about the type of woman I want, and that is a sister who is very religious, someone who can teach me the Quran and, of course, who wears hijab because my faith has increased. I want to continue improving every day. My wife, however, truly lacks all these qualities. Honestly, I don't want to divorce her because I don't want to hurt her feelings, and I don't want to get the wrath of Allah (S.W.T). But neither do I want to marry a second wife because I am very young, thus financially unable.
My dear respected counselor, what would you advise me to do? Surely, in Islam, there is a sound solution for every problem.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Understand and love your wife for who she is and where she is at.
• It is your job to help her understand why she should wear the hijab or do other things in Islam. Help her learn.
• Start seeing yourself as the head of a new family and concentrate on being the best head that you can be.
As-Salamu `Alaikum,
Thank you for writing us brother with your question. Alhamdulillah on the birth of your new daughter. That should be exciting news for you.
Your question is an interesting one. You just welcomed a new baby into the world and are now the head of a family. I also find it interesting that after you told me about your lack of life for your wife you immediately spoke about the type of woman you want.
Remember that being a Muslim means living in surrender to Allah (swt), regardless of what we may want. You explained that you have developed religiously to the point where you want a wife who has a similar yearning for a religious life. That’s fine, but you cannot expect your wife to constantly change the way you have changed.
Love Your Wife as She Is
The idea of marriage is that we help each other through the changes that we experience, trying to enrich each other’s lives in the process. So, what if you were to divorce this current wife and then marry a more ‘religious’ woman. Then one day you realize that you are not so interested in being so religious anymore. Are you going to divorce that wife and then go find another one to meet your newfound whims? Marriage is not like changing the tires on your car.
Your challenge is to understand and love your wife for who she is and where she is at. Your newfound interest in Islam should be used to help her and your new family lives as Muslims. Thus, you need to become a da’ee in your own home. Set a good example by learning the religion and teaching it to them both in word and example.
Check out this counseling video:
Help Her Learn The Religion
As for learning the Qur’an, why would you put that responsibility on your wife? Go find a teacher and learn from him. Don’t expect that to be your wife’s job.
Hijab is another issue that in sha’ Allah, with time and du’aa’, she will come on her own. But again, that is your job to help her understand why she should wear it.
So, as you gain more knowledge, you can slowly and gently share it with her so that she can – in sha’ Allah – come to see the need for it. It is not something that should be forced. She needs to do it for the right reasons.
It is important that you see your newfound interest in religion to enrich and help those around you, not merely as a means for you feeling you are too good for others. Be charitable to those closest to you as Allah (swt) has been charitable to you by blessing you with greater interest in his deen.
Do Your Best
Lastly, I think it is important that you start seeing yourself as the head of a new family, and concentrate on being the best head that you can be. That should be your priority right now. Love of another is from Allah (swt) and comes from the effort you make to love your wife with sincerity.
Don’t fall into the trap of comparing your wife to some ideal woman that resides only in your head. That is a satanic trick, nothing else. Don’t base your love on your wife for what she lacks. Recognize all the good in her and remember why you fell for this woman in the first place.
If there are serious issues of incompatibility then you need to consider them in regard to the future of the marriage, but otherwise, try your best to make your marriage work.
Salams,
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