He made this decision all by himself without involving me. He has his family’s support but not mine. I don’t want to be in a long distance relationship. We cannot talk and meet for 6 months.
I left my flat to live at my parent’s while he is gone. However, the juggling of his family, my family, my job and myself is getting tougher every day. I don’t know if I can continue living my life like this.
He is very enthusiastic about his decision. He tells me that this is the best decision for our life. However, I hate it, and I started to hate him also. I am also worried about the future implications of his new job.
I don’t want to resign from my own job so that we can stay together whenever he is posted somewhere else.
What should I do?
Answer
In this counseling, you will learn:
Speak honestly with your husband about how his unexpected decision made you feel. Speak to him about discussing family decisions with you prior to acting on them.
Try to understand your husband’s intentions and ask him to understand yours.
Write him letters. Determine if you can mail these to him or need to save them.
Consider the reality that you will have to move with him periodically to stay physically together.
Take comfort in knowing that this is not uncommon for military families.
Develop 3 positive coping skills.
Put effort into self-care.
Make frequent duaa.
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatuulahi wa barakatu.
It is my understanding that you recently married after having a relationship for 6 years.
It is also my understanding that he is now at military training and during this time communication is limited.
You mention that you left your own flat to be at your parent’s home and you are managing everything solo.
You also highlighted fear over his placements and staying together.
Decision Making
To begin with, it seems like he has made a big decision that impacts your family without consulting you beforehand.
This is hurtful for any spouse as your opinion should weigh heavier than anyone else’s.
I urge you to consider his perspective as a husband. He may believe that this is the safest thing he could do to ensure that he can provide for you and give you a secure life.
In his mind, this decision may have been a great benefit for you and your future together.
I encourage you to speak with him the next time you are able to, and explain that you would appreciate it if he spoke with you about large decisions before making them.
After being a couple for 6 years, I doubt he meant to harm you with this. He may have felt like it was the responsible thing to do as a husband.
Let him know how you feel and listen to him when he explains why he made this decision.
Do your best to understand his perspective and ask him to try and understand yours.
Communication and Distance
While he is at his initial training, it is to be expected that communication will be reduced to a minimum.
I encourage you to contact the military and determine if there is an address you can mail letters to.
Many military training programs around the world allow for mail to come in.
This may be an option for you to send him letters. This can inshallah help him stay motivated and positive while helping you to speak with him.
If you cannot send letters, then I encourage you to still write them. Writing can be very cathartic and allows you to express yourself.
You can save the letters in a box and when he returns give him the box. I would include happy and loving letters, not just venting letters.
In terms of leaving your job to relocate with him, I will tell you that I have experience as a soldier and as a soldier’s wife.
Typically, the spouse of the soldier moves with the soldier depending on where they are stationed.
Each country is different in how they do this but my suggestion would be for you two to always maintain a home together in the respective city he is stationed at.
This could mean moving every couple of years and that isn’t easy but it is a lot easier and happier than being separated.
Check out this counseling video:
You can maintain your main flat back home near your parents but rent a place every time he is stationed somewhere new.
Please also consider if you would be happier in your own flat during this training time, then stay in your own flat.
You are not required to stay with your parents while he is away.
Let him know that you want to be together, and separation is making you unhappy.
Yes, this does mean that you won’t be able to stay at the same job long-term as he is able to.
This does mean a possible sacrifice on your end in terms of your job.
However, you can always apply for new jobs in your same field whenever you have to move and explain to them that it is because your husband is a soldier.
Many companies will respect that he is a soldier and understand why you move so often.
Coping Skills and Self Care
I understand that it can be difficult to be away from him and handle life solo.
This is a stressor to handle everything on your own, let alone not being able to enjoy the company and affection of your husband.
I suggest you find 3 positive coping skills you can utilize.
Coping skills are essentially tactics you use to minimize negative feelings and cope with them in a positive manner.
Here are a few examples you can choose from, feel free to come up with your own.
- Writing
- Reading
- Reciting Quran
- Nature walks
- Cooking a favorite recipe
- Taking up a new class or hobby
- Exercise
- Meditation
- Petting an animal
In addition to coping skills, it is important to utilize self-care to minimize anxiety and stress while overall improve your mood and sense of happiness.
Self-care is an activity that is specifically meant to take care of your emotional, mental and spiritual health.
Some types of self-care can be considered positive coping skills as well. Here are a few examples of self-care.
- Take a relaxing bath or hot shower with your favorite scented soaps and shampoos
- Make adequate sleep a priority
- Eat a healthier diet and try to exercise on a regular basis
- Schedule “me time” every week that no one is allowed to interrupt where you can be alone in your thoughts and do whatever makes you feel good
Always remember to make frequent duaa.
Final Thoughts
Dear Sister, I understand it can be difficult adjusting to the new lifestyle.
The military lifestyle is not easy for the soldier or their family, but it can be managed, and you can adapt.
Here is a summary of your next steps moving forward.
Speak honestly with your husband about how his unexpected decision made you feel.
Speak to him about discussing family decisions with you prior to acting on them.
Try to understand your husband’s intentions and ask him to understand yours.
Write him letters. Determine if you can mail these to him or need to save them.
Consider the reality that you will have to move with him periodically to stay physically together.
Take comfort in knowing that this is not uncommon for military families.
Develop 3 positive coping skills.
Put effort into self-care.
Make frequent duaa.
May Allah (swt) grant you strength and help your family adjust to this new lifestyle.
Ameen.
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.