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I Believed He Was a Practicing Muslim

24 February, 2024
Q As-Salamu ‘Alaykum. I converted to Islam 9 years ago, and (naively) in search of understanding the religion, I went to Egypt to learn the language and to live in a Muslim country. I met my husband there. The problem is that I believed he was a practicing Muslim when we married, but over the last seven years, I realized that rock music, alcohol, and getting out of Egypt was the most important things to him. He is materialistic to the point that I find it unbearable. With all my strength, I have tried to help him find work and to support and love him, but I’m so exhausted. All I want to do is to live a peaceful, quiet life, in sha’ Allah, for ALLAH. I just want to pray and fast, I want to wear hijab and learn about Islam. I have studied many things through life, but what delights other people in this world leaves me empty. My husband is Arabic native speaker and said that he would teach me the language and how to pray in Arabic, but I’m just so exhausted of his moods. Sometimes, when I’m praying, he would listen to rock music very loudly. He even gets angry when I pray. He said that God did not love you or else why would He put him on my path? The obstacles though only increase my faith. What should I do? What does Allah want me to do?


In this counseling answer:

The counselor advises the sister to invite her husband to lead prayer, to go to the mosque, to have a nice meal, to listen to Qur’an or some nice nasheeds. Support him to find his own way to Allah and Islam.

As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister, 

Welcome to the path which makes the paradoxical full of teachings. I am quite sure that this response so far is not what you were expecting, and you know why? Well, if we go back to what you said, sister, the lesson is in the very words you said: “The obstacles though only increase my faith.”

I am sure you, like many of us, can think of better ways of increasing our faith, but then there is another part of the puzzle from your husband. He said: “God does not love you or else why would He put me (meaning him) on your path?” Quite the opposite; Allah (swt) loves him and that is why He (swt) put you on his path. The more your husband tries to upset your relationship with Allah (swt), the stronger you become.

Your husband thought his luck was in by marrying. He thought he could escape the very thing that would save him, but instead, you came “knocking on his door” figuratively speaking. Is not Allah (swt) truly amazing?

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Try to appreciate that your husband comes from an environment that demands much effort from morning to night on the ordinary person. That effort can not afford to dwindle for the basic necessities of life. When there is a public holiday, the joy in the atmosphere is from sheer relief from the constant pressure to provide and to succeed in some way. If you can understand this, then maybe you can appreciate why your husband has allowed himself to become the way he is, albeit that his reaction is not a common one.

Now, sister, after a good night sleep on this thought, knows that at this moment in time, your husband is not able to give you what you need or what you want, but you are able to give him what he needs. This means lots and lots of patience on your part, and with that patience, rather than looking to your husband to improve your Arabic, look to more reliable means of doing just that. In this way, you will give your husband less control over the things that will help your religion, and you will end up feeling exhausted less by it all.

Through taking responsibility for your own development, your husband will begin to wonder what is going on. Do not make a big issue out of it because this will just put the ball in his court as far as his lower self is concerned. Besides, you do not want to do this because what is needed is for the noise inside your husband’s head to calm down. This means that all your actions must be calming, even when he is noisy and being disruptive.

Invite him to lead prayer, to go to the mosque, to have a nice meal, to listen to Qur’an or some nice nasheeds. In time, small niggling questions will rumble inside of him, and eventually enough for him to make small changes on his own account. Let him find his own inner rhythm; do not define it for him – that has probably been done for him most of his life. Your husband is letting go of steam that has probably built up over a period of time. Allow the steam to run out!

Give thanks to Allah (swt) that He (swt) has shown you the way. Now, it is time for you, with all of your integrity, to allow your husband to find his way, in sha’ Allah.

“And of His signs is that He shows you the lightening fro fear and for hope, and sends down water from the clouds, then gives life therewith to the earth after its death; most surely there are signs in this for a people who understand.” (Quran, 30: 24)

May Allah (swt) help you,


Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

About Hwaa Irfan
Late Hwaa Irfan, may her soul rest in peace, served as consultant, counselor and freelance writer. Her main focus was on traditional healing mechanisms as practiced in various communities, as opposed to Western healing mechanisms.