I Am Tired of His Treatment, But Can’t Leave Him

02 August, 2020
Q I am a working woman married for 14 years and have 2 sons. I myself belong to a broken family with nobody to support me in any matter whether financially or emotionally.

My husband is educated but doesn't work. He sold all his property in trying for business.

I supported him in every part of his life. I am doing all the work whether it’s earning or house chores. I never believed in breaking a marriage but I am financially, physically and emotionally exhausted.

My husband from many years stopped saying any nice things to me he doesn't show any intimacy and we have sex only once a month which is also because of me perusing him.

I don’t have any place to go except this home but I can’t handle things now, it’s too much for me. Please help.

Give me options to go with it without taking divorce. I did talk to him about it but he doesn't do any effort in any of the mentioned things.

Answer


In this counseling answer:

Please do speak with your husband about saving your marriage.

Offer suggestions such as marriage counseling, individual counseling, and talking with the Imam.

Try to incorporate acts of worship together.

It is very evident you love your husband however you do need a balance in your life, please try to incorporate self-care.

As stated previously the possibility that he is depressed they can be a contributing factor. Please speak with him about this.

As you are currently financing the bills in the home, if needed, you may wish to consider a brief separation if your husband refuses any efforts to improve the situation.

If he refuses help, or he refuses to improve the marriage perhaps you may need solitary time away from him so that you yourself can heal and decide which route you would like to take.


As salamu alaykum sister,

Shokran for writing to us. I am so sorry to hear about your situation sister. I can imagine you are very tired, frustrated, and sad from all of the burdens. You may be feeling hurt and quite alone right now.

You have been married for 14 years and you have two children. Your husband is educated however he does not work nor help you around the house. He does not show you any affection or say nice things to you. 

Feeling Overburdened and Alone

Due to your situation you feel like you have nowhere to turn nor no one to talk to. Sister I would highly suggest that you see if there are any Muslim sister groups at your Masjid or Islamic Center where you live.

Sister groups can prove to be very supportive, encouraging, and provide solid Islamic supports and solutions. Support from our sisters is a blessing and a critical part of what helps us get through difficult times in life. 

Counseling

Additionally, if there is the possibility that you were able to go for counseling I would kindly suggest that you do. By participating in on going counseling, you will have the support and guidance from a professional who is trained to help others through difficult situations such as these.

I Am Tired of His Treatment, But Can't Leave Him - About Islam

Counseling can also provide you with an outlet for discussing your feelings as well as learning new coping mechanisms and techniques. You will learn how to deal with stress better.  It will also help you develop a path towards a better future and healing. 

Marriage and Expectations

I know it can be very difficult when everything is on you. People do not enter a marriage and expect to be the only one who financially supports the household, cares for the children, takes care of the home, cleans, cooks, while the other person lounges around. Marriage is a partnership wherein spouses help one another in love and mercy.

In the Qur’an it states ““And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in peace and tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are signs for those who reflect” (Quran 30:21).

When Marriages Fall Short-Distance and Intimacy 

You Are Not Alone, there are many situations like yours where the wife is doing everything. The additional loss of closeness, intimacy, and affection only creates a wider distance between the two spouses. As humans we have intimacy needs with our spouses. When needs are not met there is often a feeling of further rejection and loss.

Again, your situation is not uncommon sister.  I know this may not help much however I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this type of situation. 

Is Husband Depressed?

Sister I am wondering is your husband depressed? This would explain his lack of ambition, his loss of feeling responsible for his family, as well as his lack of interest in intimacy.

When one is depressed there are many symptoms such as” loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports” etc. Please see (1) for a full discussion on depression and its symptoms. As you stated your husband lost everything due to a business, perhaps indeed he is depressed. 

Speaking with Husband

Sister I would highly suggest in sha Allah that you speak with your husband when things are calm. Explain to him how much you love him and want to save this marriage but there must be some changes in order for the marriage to work.

You may wish to first point out his good traits and qualities and express your love for him. You may then discuss how you feel and why you are feeling this way and how he may help.


Check out this counseling video:

Marriage Counseling

You may ask if he would be interested in marriage counseling, personal counseling, speaking with the imam at the Masjid for spiritual guidance. As well as possibly taking marriage classes if they are offered at your Islamic Center.

While each suggestion is not a solution in the near future, it is a step in the direction towards healing. Insha’Allah he will be open to suggestions.

Connection with Allah

Insha’Allah try to strengthen your marriage and relationship by performing acts of worship together. This would include the two of you praying together more, doing dhikr as well as reading the Qur’an. Insha’Allah you can go to the Masjid together for prayers as well as Islamic events. Acts of worship done together will bring many blessings in sha Allah.

Self-Care

Sister my heart goes out to you as you are going through a lot. Please do check out your options for a Muslim sister support group. Connect with the sisters at the Masjid to get involved in social activities as well as consider ongoing counseling to help you deal with the stress, difficult emotions, and help you to formulate a plan of action so you can begin to heal.

Eat healthy good foods, try to get outdoors in nature, ensure you get enough sleep, start an exercise routine, and try a new hobby. All these things may add a balance and satisfaction to your life while you are working on your marriage. 

Conclusion

Please do speak with your husband about saving your marriage. Offer suggestions such as marriage counseling, individual counseling, and talking with the Imam. Try to incorporate acts of worship together. It is very evident you love your husband however you do need a balance in your life, please try to incorporate self-care.

As stated previously the possibility that he is depressed they can be a contributing factor. Please speak with him about this.

As you are currently financing the bills in the home, if needed, you may wish to consider a brief separation if your husband refuses any efforts to improve the situation. If he refuses help, or he refuses to improve the marriage perhaps you may need solitary time away from him so that you yourself can heal and decide which route you would like to take.

It is not an easy situation, but in sha Allah he will agree to address his personal situation and resolve the marital issues. Sister please do stay close to Allah and know Allah does not test us beyond our capacity. Make duaa to Allah asking for His blessings, guidance, and ease. We wish you the best.

1. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20356007

Salam,

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

https://aboutislam.net/family-life/husbands-wives/just-for-husbands/

https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-about-islam/wifes-obligation-serve-husband/

https://aboutislam.net/family-life/husbands-wives/prophet-muhammad-a-husband-like-no-other/

About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach.
Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.