I am desperate for advice. My husband and I have been together for around 7 years now and married for 3.
I know dating is haram and I pray for forgiveness every day. My husband is ungrateful; he doesn't show any love or affection.
We don't flirt or be sweet with each other. Our marriage has become very bitter.
Even when I am ill, he doesn’t take into consideration how difficult looking after our two kids is. I have to fight and storm out the room in order to get time alone to rest.
He doesn’t trust me and doesn't want to work on it either. His answer is always “if you are not happy, get out”.
I do not feel any spark anymore. I do not like him because his character is rotten. When we are alone and try to do something just the two of us, I feel awkward almost like strangers being forced together.
He is often rude to me for no reason and has a really bad attitude towards me. It makes me talk back to him.
I always try and be patient but he doesn't try. What can I do now?
I am deprived of love and affection and those are the only things I want.
In this counseling answer:
Communication is the key to every relationship.
When you speak to him, make sure you use “I” statements. Focus more on your feelings instead of being very direct with him. It will sound less harsh for him.
Your problems will not be fixed overnight; it will need a lot of effort and focus from you both.
What you will need to do is to show him what is acceptable and not acceptable in your marriage.
Talk to some close family members about this problem and ask them to talk to him alone.
Seek marital counseling together.
As-Salaam ‘Aleikom sister,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I am glad you wrote to us. I will try my best to advice you and find a solution to your problems, In sha’ Allah.
What you are describing here is not a healthy relationship at all. Every man should respect and show love to his wife, especially when you have two children together. The Prophet (saw) said,
“The most complete of the believers in faith, is the one with the best character among them. And the best of you are those who are best to your women.” (Tirmidhi)
Allah (swt) has enjoined upon the husband to treat his wife decently and with kindness. He (swt) says:
“…And live with them in kindness…” (4:19)
If you have not done yet, then I suggest that you find the right time to sit down and have a proper talk with him when he is calm and relaxed. Communication is the key to every relationship.
Without it, you can’t fully understand each other. Tell him about your feelings and how he hurts you with his attitude. Ask him frankly what his problem is with you, what you did to deserve his rude manner.
There might be something behind that frustrates him but he does not tell you. Maybe it is not even related to you, but he just takes his anger, sadness, and frustration on you.
It is important that you two talk about these problems because they not only affect you but also your children. Your children need happy parents and a father who loves and cares for them.
Check out this counseling video:
Use I statements
When you speak to him, make sure you use “I” statements. Focus more on your feelings instead of being very direct with him. It will sound less harsh for him. For example, you can say “I feel hurt when you say to me I should leave if I am not happy”. This way, he will feel less “attacked” and he will not get so defensive.
You are his wife and have known him for a few years now. You probably know what he likes and dislikes. Ask him what you can do to make him trust you. Remember, once a trust has been broken, it takes some time to build it back again.
Discuss with him in a calm manner and hear what he wants to say, too. It is important that you both listen to each other as this is supposed to be a two-way communication rather than one way.
When you are alone with him, try to make it a pleasant place for him to be. Do things or talk about things he enjoys doing.
Your problems will not be fixed overnight; it will need a lot of effort and focus from you both. The more you “water” the relationship, then more it will “grow” healthy. You have two children and you both need to think about them, too. Your problems will affect them, even if you cannot see it now.
I am sure he does not mean it when he says that you can leave him if you are unhappy with him. That is something he says out of anger. Nonetheless, it must be very hurtful for you and I can understand that you must be very confused.
I suggest that you do not give him the chance to say that again. What you will need to do is to show him what is acceptable and not acceptable in your marriage. The more you let him “verbally abuse” you, the more he will feel comfortable to do it.
You should talk to some close family members about this problem and ask them to talk to him alone. It could be someone he respects or is afraid of, for example, his parents or your parents.
Sometimes it is ok to ask for help from the elders as they might know better how to handle a situation. But first, you should talk to him. If he does not want to listen to you, then you should inform him that you will have to talk to the elders or family member.
If you keep quiet about his bad behavior with you and do not tell anyone, then he will know that he can do whatever to you. You cannot let him do that.
You have the right to live a happy and respectable life, and it is your husband’s duty to make you happy. This is something you both need to sort out together. Keep the communication open.
Please, consider seeking marital counselling together.
May Allah (swt) make it easy for you and your husband and make you both happy together,
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