I am in a great depression regarding my and my son’s future. I am the eldest of my family. I got married last year. It was arranged marriage; my husband and family came thrice before the wedding to see me and then marriage was fixed. My family and friends all were happy about my husband.
We both were highly educated; I am a doctor and he is doing his higher studies in psychology. We got only a month before our marriage to get to know each other. During this period, he was a very lovely husband and I was really thankful for Allah to have him.
Three days after the marriage, he told me that I was not up to what he had thought in bed because I told him that I was having pain during intercourse. After a few weeks, the problem was solved, but he had already told that to his mother, and his relatives and friends don’t like me.
They are saying bad comments about me. I got pregnant next month, but my husband was not interested. His mother shouted at him and gave me honey and date mixed like paste and told me to eat it twice daily. She said it was for me to become fat, but after taking that, I lost my baby.
After that incident, again, I became pregnant. That time I took extra care. Although my husband and his mother were compelling me to go to college, the doctor told me to take rest so I didn’t go.
During this time, I noticed a girl’s photo in my husband’s mobile phone. When I asked him about it, he told me she was his client. I believed it, but after some days, I saw that she called him for about an hour at 12 am.
It hurt me a lot and I asked about it again. He said the call was part of the counselling. Again, I believed. After that, I saw their vulgar messages and I finally understood they were in a relationship. I cried a lot.
Since then he always shouts at me for silly things. During my first trimester, I did not do anything except crying. After this incident, he sent me back to my house and didn’t inquire about me or my baby. I gave birth to a cute baby boy . He hasn’t even seen the baby.
My baby is about 8 months old now. My father takes care of us financially. I filled a case in court against my husband and his family. I don’t know what will happen in the future.
I loved him more than my soul. I can’t think of another man. Please, give me some advice. I am fed up.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- Your husband displayed his ignorance and also insulted the beautiful gift (you) that Allah (swt) had given him. Then, he doubled that sin by backbiting you with his family, relatives, and friends.
- It is a blessing you left, sister, (rather your husband sent you to your family) because from what you wrote, it could be much worse if you stayed.
- What your first marriage brought was a far cry from an Islamic marriage. In fact, if you would have stayed in this marriage, it may have even affected your most precious relationship – that with Allah (swt).
- Focus on your son and try to take time for yourself.
- Go out with sisters for enjoyable social events; take some classes in things that interest you, and indulge in a new hobby.
- Find comfort in prayer, make du’aa’ that Allah (swt) grants ease, protects you, and your son, guides you, and blesses your next steps in this life. Pray that Allah (swt) removes these feelings for your husband, if it is His (swt) will, for this is not love and you deserve so much better.
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum dear sister,
I am so sorry to hear of your situation. However, you are not alone in your plight. Many young sisters write in about marriages which have seemingly failed; husbands who were one way during the “getting to know each other period” and then when married, they turned into someone completely different.
Background check
It is so important to get to know the prospective husband as well as his family before marriage. One month is usually not long enough. It is long enough, however, for one to be at their best behavior and put up a good front – which, sadly, your husband and his family seems to have done.
While you are both compatible in regards to education, this is obviously not enough to make a happy marriage. I wish more parents would see this. I wish they do not focus as much on education and career, but on the Islamic qualities and kindness that one possesses (or doesn’t).
It is natural to want one’s husband to be educated, to come from a solid socio-economical background, and to be able to provide for one’s family, but this in itself alone does not make for a happy marriage.
His behavior
Your husband’s comment that you were “not up to what he thought in bed “ not only was rude, cruel, and unIslamic, but clearly shows his ignorance as, indeed, intercourse can be painful for the first few times.
He displayed his ignorance and also insulted the beautiful gift (you) that Allah (swt) had given him. Then, he doubled that sin by backbiting you with his family, relatives, and friends. Instead of defending and protecting you, he hurts you further. This is not acceptable, sister, as I am sure you know. Also, this has nothing to do with you, but has to do with him and his unIslamic, cold heart.
As far as your first pregnancy, I am not sure what your husband’s mother gave you in that paste (if anything), but alhumdulilah you did not take it during the next pregnancy. Congratulations, I am so happy to hear you had a healthy baby, alhumdulilah.
Check out this counseling video:
Your decision
As your husband (and his family) were not present during your pregnancy and as they are cruel people who do not follow Islam and its ethics, in sha’ Allah, you are best to continue on with the divorce and not look back.
It is a blessing you left, sister, (rather your husband sent you to your family) because from what you wrote, it could be much worse if you stayed. You could be the victim of domestic violence or worse given the loss of your first child. Allah (swt) knows best.
Although you do not know if your husband actually did have sex with this woman, you were clear there was something vulgar going on between the two of them. It is haram. This along with him treating you cruel. Putting you out of the house when you were pregnant, not ensuring the well-being of you or your child; and not even seeing his child until your son was 8 months old is despicable.
Love
Sister, you say you loved him with all of your soul. Please, take a moment to look at what you claim to love: a man who told you that you “were not up to what he thought in bed”? A man who tells you his family, relatives, friends don’t like you and talk about you? A man who shouts at you; a man who cheated on you, a man who sent you away when you were pregnant and did not provide for you or your child? A man who did not see his child till the child was 8 months old?
Sister, is this love? Is this what our glorious Qur’an says is love and compassion? You say you cannot imagine another man in his place. Sister, is this the way you want to be treated? Or would you desire a kind, loving, and compassionate husband who has your best interest at heart and seeks not to hurt you but protect you?
Sister, in sha’ Allah, I beg you to rethink what this love is. Based on his behavior and character, he would not even be considered a friendly, dependable person. He clearly is not following Islam. The Qur’an states,
“And one of His signs is that He has created for you, spouses from amongst yourselves so that you might take comfort in them and He has placed between you, love and mercy. In this there is surely evidence (of the truth) for the people who carefully think.” (30:21)
Marriage
Was your marriage one of love and mercy? Was it one of comfort and feeling safe? I kindly suggest, dear sister, you take some time (or even classes at your mosque) on what an Islamic marriage is. There you can learn the rights of the wife and husband as well as what to look for in a future husband.
What your first marriage brought was a far cry from an Islamic marriage. In fact, if you would have stayed in this marriage, it may have even affected your most precious relationship – that with Allah (swt). Couples are to worship Allah (swt) together, grow in Islam together, and raise children in a kind and loving manner. Sadly, this was not the case.
Sister, you are still young. Please, in sha’ Allah, proceed with the divorce. This marriage was not a total loss as you have a beautiful baby boy which Allah (swt) has blessed you with. Find comfort in prayer, make du’aa’ that Allah (swt) grants ease, protects you, and your son, guides you, and blesses your next steps in this life. Pray that Allah (swt) removes these feelings for your husband, if it is His (swt) will, for this is not love and you deserve so much better.
Conclusion
In sha’ Allah, after things are final and you have had time to heal, you will meet a nice brother, in sha’ Allah, who actually practices Islam because it is in his heart and actions. He will treat you wonderful, as a Muslim husband should.
In the meantime, focus on your son and try to take time for yourself. Go out with sisters for enjoyable social events; take some classes in things that interest you, and indulge in a new hobby. These things, along with staying close to Allah (swt), will help you heal, help you refocus your life, and help you in building solid foundations for future happiness and clarity.
We wish you the best, sister. You are in our prayers.
Salam,
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