I am an engineering final year student. I got married 2 months ago. Masha Allah, my husband is a very loving, caring, and a good person. I love him a lot.
Things were very fine for a month after marriage. After which his leave expired and he went abroad to join his job. Now I stay at his home with my in-laws. Masha Allah, they all are very nice persons too but I am suffering from extreme grief after he left. I can't concentrate on my studies or concentrate on anything else.
To avoid his memories, I used to get engaged in work and avoid any free time to relax until it was time to sleep.
I miss him so much. I cry the whole night for hours. There are no words to explain the depth of my sadness. Hope you would recommend some tips as well as some duas to heal my heart. Assalamualaikum warahmathullahi wabarkkathuhu.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- What you are describing about your situation with the problem sleeping, studying and loss in interest of daily activities are very normal when a person is grieving.
- These are common ways of our body to react to grief.
- I would suggest that you share with someone in your family about your emotional struggle so that they can support you.
- Most importantly, you should try talking to your husband and explain to him how hard it is for you to be far away from him.
As-Salam ‘Aleikum sister,
Thank you for writing to us about your concern. I will try advising you the best I can, In sha’ Allah.
And I can understand that you are going through a hard time and it can be overwhelming for you. I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. However, I am very pleased to hear that you have a loving and caring husband and that you are blessed with good in-laws. You should consider yourself lucky to have nice people in your life, and you be grateful for that.
The situation with your husband is quite unfortunate. It is understandable that you feel sad and disturbed by his absence at the moment. You both have just got married. As a new couple, you should ideally be together rather than apart from each other. This is the time when a husband and wife get to know one another and make this beautiful bond stronger side by side with each other.
Grief
What you are describing your situation with problem sleeping, studying and loss in interest of daily activities are very normal when a person is grieving. These are common ways of our body to react to grief.
Have you tried talking to other people in your family about how you feel after your husband went abroad? You could speak to your parents, or his parents, whoever you think would listen and understand you. The last thing you should do is to keep it to yourself, as it will only make it even more emotionally overwhelming for you. I would suggest that you share with someone in your family about your emotional struggle so that they can support you.
Communicate
Most importantly, you should try talking to your husband and explain to him how hard it is for you to be far away from him. Keep the communication open with him, and let him know how you feel.
Check out this counseling video:
Is there an option for you to go abroad and live there with him or for him to maybe find another job in the city where you and his family currently live? If he is only going to work abroad for a short time and is planning to come back home eventually, you could try being patient and also make the time easier to pass by keeping in touch with him as much as you can during the day every day – of course, when he is not at work.
There are so many social network applications you can use to keep in touch with each other no matter where you are in the world. You can see him live and talk to him via FaceTime, WhatsApp, Viber, Snapchat, etc., whatever you both would prefer to use.
This might not be the same as having the person there with you, but it may help you to feel more connected with each other on a daily basis and update each other with your days. You can tell him how your studies are going and he can share about his day at work.
Time
Greif is hard. Try giving yourself some time. Great love often requires great grief.
I have acknowledged that you love your husband. Sometimes Allah (swt) distances you from people you are the most attached to, to detach you from the worldly things (Dunya) so we can hold on to Allah (swt) above all others in our heart.
Do not suppress emotions; try understanding them. When you feel like crying, do not hold it inside you. Let it out and you might feel much better. Remember, your husband might be feeling the same way as you. He is missing you as much as you miss him. You can both talk about it and support each other through this difficult time.
Test
This is a test from Allah (swt). You can pass this test by being patient and pray to Allah (swt) to make you strong and help you through the difficult time. Allah (swt) said in the Qur’an:
“And we shall certainly test you, until We know those of you who strive their utmost (for God) and who are the steadfast; and we shall test your reported mettle.” (Quran 47:31)
Allah (swt) tests His people both through adversity as well as a blessing. But it important to remain humble and grateful. Allah (swt) has mentioned in the Qur’an:
“You shall certainly be tried and tested in your possessions and in your lives; and you shall certainly hear much that will grieve you…But if you patiently persevere and be pious, then surely this will be of great resolution.” (Quran 3:186)
Try focusing on praying to Allah (swt) and repenting. The more you distract yourself from the thought of your husband, the less sad you will be. I know it is easier said than done, but you can try your best. Allah (swt) only burden you as much as you can bear.
May Allah (swt) make it easier for you and may you pass this test.
Ameen,
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