My husband and I have had an argument and in the end, I said that he doesn't know what a better quality of life is for the kids. He wants us to live in India but before marriage said he would move to Canada. Anyway, he is now not talking to me and it's now almost 2 months since we last talked.
I've tried calling and texting him and even though I don't think I said anything wrong I still apologized but he still isn't talking to me or the kids. His parents send me the same hadeeths where I'm going to go into the hellfire because my husband's not happy with me.
What should I do? I feel that if he doesn't care enough to call then why am I still with him?
In this counseling answer:
• Your husband doesn’t speak to you for two months and this is not acceptable.
• Mentally go back to the argument and see things from his perspective.
• If he still refuses to talk to you, consider getting a mutual third party involved.
• Make istikharah and pray to Allah.
Wa Alaikum salaam wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh sister,
Discrepancies between husband and wife can cause much stress for all involved. The fact that there are also children involved here adds extra concern. The majority of marital disputes would usually be resolved through consultation with one another. However, in this case, your husband is being unresponsive, so this is especially difficult to resolve.
See it from his perspective
I can’t fully comment here as I don’t know his side of the story. However, it is clear that obviously, something terrible has happened in his eyes that causes him to ignore you this severely.
Therefore, the first thing I would suggest is to try and see things from his perspective. Take yourself back to the argument you had and try and feel things from his perspective. It may be that you said some things that you didn’t mean to be harsh or insulting, but he took it that way and feels offended.
For example, solely based on what you presented in this short message, you say that you told him that he doesn’t know what better quality of life is for the children. He may have taken this to mean that you feel he doesn’t care about your children. As a father, if he interpreted your words this way, he will likely have felt insulted by your words, that perhaps you think little of him as a father and have little respect for his own opinions.
This is one possible way of seeing it from his perspective that may have led him to be so offended that he has ignored you for this long. There may be other alternative explanations. You know him well, and know what words were shared when you had the argument to try and explore things further.
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Try putting yourself in his shoes
Run back through the argument and imagine he said to you all the things you said to him. This is another way to help you to see things from his perspective too. Having this information may make it easier to approach him again to talk.
Further to just saying sorry, you would now have reason to say that you understand why he is upset now and apologize specifically from this perspective. This lets him known that you are not blindly apologizing, but genuinely understand how he feels. Once this conversation begins, you could further say that you understand it might have felt like you were insulting him, but you honestly didn’t mean it that way.
As well as trying tone things from his perspective, also consider reasons why his parents also seem to be siding against you. Remember that as his son, they want to see him happy, just as you like to see your own children happy. For whatever reason right now he is unhappy with you and this will, therefore, be making them unhappy towards you too. Likewise, in sha Allah, you will sort things out and when he is happy with you again, they will be too.
Remember, marriage is a 2-way interaction. You both will have different ideas of what is good for your marriage and children. However, you won’t know what these are and where the differences lie if you don’t talk about it together, respecting the others’ opinion and allowing them to present their opinion without being put down, even if you don’t agree. There are many things in a marriage that require compromise. We need to be open to making these compromises and trying new things at times too. Sometimes what we think is right and best, is not.
“…But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.” (Qur’an, 2: 216)
His responsibility towards you
Whilst his parents continue to quote this hadith to you regarding a husband being displeased with his wife, he also has responsibility for you and his children. Ignoring you for 2 months is neglecting this at the moment and will be questioned on this too. So, regardless of whether you really have done something wrong or not, he should still fulfil this role which he can’t if he’s not talking to you.
“…and due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable. But the men have a degree over them [in responsibility and authority]. And Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.” (Qur’an, 2:228)
All this said it does not take back what has happened. Now, you need to move forward-thinking about how to deal with the situation as it is now.
If seeing things from his perspective and approaching him again continue to fail in promoting dialogue between the two of you, then you might consider inviting a third party to intervene. This could be someone in his family who you feel he would be likely to respond to. Alternatively, ask your local imam to talk to him on your behalf and arrange a meeting with him present.
Your husband may be more willing to talk if there is a neutral party present. This will also provide an ideal environment for others of you to talk openly and honestly about the situation. A space to say everything you feel you need to say and for him to too. This may especially necessary since it seems there may be further underlying difficulties between you regarding making the big decision about where you will live.
In the meantime, you can make istikhara for Allah to guide you to do what is best. Additionally, continue to pray and make du’aa’ to Allah to soften your husband’s heart and soothe any difficulty in your marriage.
Difficulties in marriage are perfectly normal, but your husband has been ignoring you for two months. This is a long time and needs to be resolved for the sake of your marriage and children.
The first thing to do is to mentally go back to the argument and see things from his perspective and identify why he may have become upset by things you said. An easy way to do this is to imagine he was the one saying the things you said to him, to you and identify how you would feel.
Beyond this, if he still refuses to talk to you, consider getting a mutual third party involved, ideally an imam who can hear both sides of the story and advise according to Islamic principles.
In the meantime, make istikhara and continue to pray that Allah makes things good in your marriage again.
May Allah grant you ease and happiness in your marriage. May He make you and your husband the coolness of each other’s eyes in this life and the next.
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