Answer
In this counseling answer:
“If your husband remains reluctant to get connected with you, I advise you to seek professional help such as couple therapy. In any case, your relationship has just started and hopefully over the time you and your husband will overcome this initial adjustment phase. Some couples don’t really have a good sex life until about a year into the marriage as it takes time to get comfortable and know the needs and expectations of the bedroom. ”
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum Sister,
I am very sorry to hear about your problem. May Allah guide me to answer your question and give you some release. I understand your expectations as a newly married to how a marriage should be, and it is very frustrating not having your needs met. I see that besides the physical need, you also haven’t been experiencing an emotional connection.
To start, it is important to understand that men’s emotions can have a huge impact on their sexual desire. For a man, intimacy is often connected to ego, so if he is not feeling good about himself, it will definitely show up in his approach with his wife. Also, if he is not feeling good about his life, himself, his work or anything else, it might be causing him a certain level of stress and stopping him to look into his marriage.
The key to your issue right now is communication. You need to find out why he is not meeting your needs. You can mention to your husband that you have relational rights on him, and he must develop the drive to meet your physical needs. This matter is so important that in Islamic law, there are positions when divorce is allowed to be requested by a woman who is neglected physically. The Holy Qur’an has guided married couples to act with courtesy and mercy:
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (30:21)
Allah has, indeed, created man and woman to be partners and companions to one another that includes physical and emotional connection. A relationship should lead to the fulfillment of companionship, affection/love, tranquility and mercy, and those elements should be the context of marital interactions. You are not creating a problem; you are actually looking for solutions. You just want to guarantee your rights and succeed in your relationship. Your husband MUST hear and understand this. I suggest you kindly call upon your husband for a firm and clear conversation because you both need to establish emotional intimacy, and it is necessary to have an open talk about your expectations and desires in this marriage.
I can list for you the common reasons why couples lack in intimacy but remember, these are educated guesses from my experience as a psychologist:
Was your marriage arranged?
If the answer is yes, it is possible that attraction and chemistry may not be there. Some arranged marriages are conducted due to family pressure or material solidarity. I have worked with people who married someone without having attraction, thinking it will grow over time. Sometimes it does, sometimes it does not. If this is your case, it is important not to ignore this and be open to improving this chemistry through strategies that can make each of you more desirable to one another.
Past sexual trauma or abuse?
People, who have had trauma around sexuality, their bodies tend to be blocked from enjoying sex or even approaching it. If your husband has had any events in his past like abuse, it is important for him to see a trauma therapist to overcome these blocks. Ignoring it will only make it worse.
Suffering from SSA?
Same-sex attraction is a possibility. There are many reasons an individual may have SSA, and this will obviously distract the person from the opposite sex. Again, this requires a therapeutic process that should not be ignored.
He may not be a sexual person.
Some of us are not as excited by sex as the general population. There are individuals who find sex repulsive and dirty. These individuals sometimes have obsessive-compulsive disorder towards cleanliness and find it difficult to engage in such a physically vulnerable experience like sex. Not being interested in sex can also be related to the reasons I mentioned above.
Getting needs met elsewhere.
When people are getting their sexual needs met elsewhere, they avoid sexual participation with their partner and show little interest. This can be due to affairs or usage of pornography. Pornography addiction numbs the sexual appetite and makes it difficult for the addict to get excited by actual sex, since real people, like a wife, will not have the novelty factor that pornography has.
Even though your main complaint is your sexual life, I believe that your biggest problem is your lack of intimacy in general. He needs to notice you, spend quality time with you, engage in conversations, and have activities together. All this will lead to greater bonding and love.
You described your husband as constantly checking out and avoiding you through television and digital distractions. If your husband remains reluctant to get connected with you, I advise you to seek professional help such as couple therapy. In any case, your relationship has just started and hopefully over the time you and your husband will overcome this initial adjustment phase. Some couples don’t really have a good sex life until about a year into the marriage as it takes time to get comfortable and know the needs and expectations of the bedroom. Reflect on this Quranic verse 2:153:
“O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient.”
May Allah guide you and give you the strength to go on your journey, sister.
Salam,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
