Now, I got married and my husband can't accept those friendships. He wants me to reject them and simply stop any communication with any male friend.
That is very hard for me because I love them as brothers, and I spent 20 years with them! How can I reject any person who was so nice, protective and such a good friend to me? How can I say I don't want to see you anymore? It's painful to me, and it would be to them too to lose each other. What should I do? I don't want to lose my friends but also I can't go against my husband.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- You need to weigh the pros and cons of each decision and figure out which one has more pros and which one has more cons.
- Marriage is meant to be a very strong bond. When 2 people unite in holy matrimony, they make vows to themselves, each other and Allah of happiness and fulfillment.
- Another way to look at it may be that the time well spent with those friends has now come to an end and another journey of good times ahead to be spent with a new man in your life begins.
As-Salamu `Alaikum dear sister,
It seems you are caught in a dilemma; you have some wonderful friends whom you would like to stay in touch with, who were with you through thick and thin for the past 20 years. Then, you have a husband, who is your life partner and who does not approve of any such friendly relationships with males. This can certainly be a frustrating situation.
Importance
As we begin to solve the problem here, there are a few questions you need to ask yourself. First of all, what is most important in your life right now? Is it more important to think about your future relationship with your husband or your past relationships with all your friends?
I understand that you have some wonderful friends you would hate to cut ties with; however, when put in a situation like yours, what do you think would be the best decision? Is it more important to preserve those friendships or is it more important to build a new and lasting relationship with your husband?
Check out this counseling video:
Pros and cons
In a situation like this, you need to weigh the pros and cons of each decision and figure out which one has more pros and which one has more cons. One thing you can do is take a sheet of paper, divide it in 2 columns. One column can list all the pros of staying in touch with old friends against your husband’s wishes, and then rate each pro on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 being extremely disadvantageous and 5 being extremely advantageous).
Do this for each pro and then on the other column include all the pros of agreeing with your husband and then rate each one the same way. Total these numbers up and see which one is higher. This may perhaps help you make a more thoughtful decision.
Marriage
Marriage is meant to be a very strong bond. When 2 people unite in holy matrimony, they make vows to themselves, each other and Allah of happiness and fulfillment. This happiness and fulfillment can mean different things to different people. It’s important to understand what your partner’s perspective is.
As you begin your married life, you are building a relationship with a man who will be your life partner. In other words, it won’t be your friends that you consult with on a daily basis; it won’t be your friends that will support you and your family.
Another way to look at it may be that the time well spent with those friends has now come to an end and another journey of good times ahead to be spent with a new man in your life begins. This is certainly a very precious and memorable time, make good use of it. There are phases in everyone’s life, one ends and another begins.
Recommendations
A few more recommendations that I have are as follows.
Have you tried talking to your husband to further inquire why he disapproves of friendship with your male friends? Sometimes it can simply be insecurity that may need some reassurance before it can fade away.
Also, I’m not sure how long you have been married, but your husband may feel this way because you have not been married for long enough or enough time for him to feel comfortable with your male friends. It could also be that he has not met them (or all of them) therefore, he feels uncomfortable.
Conclusion
It would be helpful to have an open conversation with your husband. And explore why he feels the way he does without being judgmental and also sharing how you feel about all this. He may change his mind, he may not. Whatever decision is made, you want to always think about the future and ask yourself, “Is this fight worth it for my future together with this man?”
Another recommendation would be to talk to your male friends. Since they have been your true good friends all these years they may very well understand if you shared with them that your husband does not approve of any male friendships. If they are your true friends, most certainly they will understand your situation and help you become more comfortable with it.
Salam,
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