Answer
In this counseling answer:
“until you find a marriage counselor, start by talking with your husband. Talk to him about your feelings. I also wonder if you both have any positive interactions with each other. Do you have fun with each other? Are there any good times between you and your husband? If so, how often and when do they usually occur? Is there any way the both of you can increase your positive interactions with each other?”
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,
Thank you for sending us your question. I am sorry to hear about the state of your marriage of 3 years. I ask Allah to help the both of you find peace and a solution to your issues.
Sister, it appears that a lot of things happened from the start that both you and your husband were not fully aware of. You mentioned that you never spoke with or met your husband prior to marriage because you and your in-laws are religious and God-fearing people. You and your family automatically assumed that their son (your husband) would be religious like his family, but after marriage, you discovered that he was the exact opposite. It is unfortunate that he is something completely different from you thought he would be. That is why we should be vigilant from the start and know exactly what we are looking for when we search for our spouse (or before we make any major life decision).
The past is the past, and you have been married to your husband for over three years and have a child together. You mention that the more time passes, the more you remember his negative actions towards you and realize how much he has affected your dedication towards religion. You appear to feel more and more distant and resentful. Your emotions and feelings are real. It is not acceptable to go on living your life feeling constantly belittled, humiliated, and being disrespected due to your religious dedication. Something certainly must be done within your marriage to improve the current situation.
What is your husband’s view on your marriage? Is he happy? Does he feel that anything needs to be improved? You certainly brought up several points that have deeply hurt you within your relationship. Does he know that some of his actions hurt you so much? Have you communicated your feelings to him?
The first step is to let him know that you are not happy with those certain aspects of his behavior and explain to him why they hurt you. The both of you need to sit down and have a series of honest conversations about what you both want from your marriage and from each other. Of course, this is a long-term solution that will take a lot of time and practice. Something that can help you through these conversations is marriage counseling.
I can see that you currently live in Qatar. If I am not mistaken, I believe that there are marriage counselors in your country who are properly trained and can help the both of you learn how to better communicate with each other and respect each other’s feelings and dreams. I highly recommend marriage counseling, because it helps tremendously and guides the both of you to your goals in a more professional and harmonious way.
In the meantime, until you find a marriage counselor, start by talking with your husband. Talk to him about your feelings. As a counselor myself, I also wonder if you both have any positive interactions with each other. Do you have fun with each other? Are there any good times between you and your husband? If so, how often and when do they usually occur? Is there any way the both of you can increase your positive interactions with each other? The reason I am asking this question is that the more positive interactions you have with your spouse, the more likely he’s willing to be opened and hear your feelings and accept them. Being distant will only make things harder on the both of you.
To summarize, start by talking with your husband and spending more positive time with him while seeking out marriage counseling. May Allah help the both of you respect one another and build a deeper and more meaningful relationship.
Salam,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
