Answer
In this counseling answer:
“Then consider best case scenario, and talk about that. The idea is to plan for worst-case scenario/outcome while expecting the best. Let your spouse know that you expect best case scenario, but can handle the worst and that you are with him all the way, whatever happens. This kind of reassurance can really help a lot.”
As-Salamu `Alaykum dear sister,
I can imagine how frustrating it might be to be affected by the person you are close to when he is afflicted with continuous thoughts of worry. But please, don’t give up. There are a few approaches that you can adopt that might make things better for you.
Putting the effort into finding supportive approaches that you can use with your husband while also taking care of yourself might very well be worth your effort, and your child will be able to grow up with both of his/her parents. If you become pro-active and can perceive your role as a wife/spouse as someone who can provide support to your spouse, you will also begin to feel better. There are some actions you can take to help the overall milieu in your home.
The first and possibly most effective way to reconnect with a spouse who has been preoccupied with his own thoughts is to find small gestures that remind him that you care. This way, you can develop rapport and trust between you. Sometimes a simple gesture like rubbing the shoulders and neck (where a lot of tensions is held) of your spouse can change the entire atmosphere. Create an environment for your husband where he can feel nurtured and even heal from his worries.
It is possible that he needs to regenerate after work and get “recharged” and that this alone can make a huge difference in his anxiety. Find out what helps him to relax. Everyone is different. Perhaps he likes to shower immediately after work and then read something before dinner. Your husband might not even know what helps him. However, finding a way for him to make a transition from work to home so that he can “shut off” his worry thoughts and “shift” into the present “here and now” will help him a lot.
Set aside time that your husband can depend on so that he has time with you to talk. Regular “talk session” might very well help him a lot. Some people worry that if a person talks and talks and talks about their worries and problems, this talking will make matters worse. But we have found otherwise. In fact, if a person talks about their worries and “processes” them, he is more likely to find a solution as talking helps the mind relax and opens the mind up to those creative ideas that can lead to solutions and/or help the person find approaches and alternatives etc.
Though it is best to provide active listening during “processing sessions” (when your spouse is talking) by acknowledging what he is saying and checking in to show him that you hear what he is saying and that you care, once in a while it can also be helpful to walk your spouse through a worst case and best case scenario.
If your spouse trusts you, he might ask for your advice. This is when you facilitate the worst and best case scenarios. Ask your spouse what worst case scenario is, and then what the best case scenario or outcome of the worrisome situation could be.
Then, you tell him to make a plan for worst case scenario…this way, there is some kind of backup plan, and he will know that he can survive the worst-case scenario.
Then consider best case scenario, and talk about that. The idea is to plan for worst-case scenario/outcome while expecting the best. Let your spouse know that you expect best case scenario, but can handle the worst and that you are with him all the way, whatever happens. This kind of reassurance can really help a lot.
Recapture your optimistic and jovial spirit. This does not mean that you do not empathize with your husband’s worries, or listen to him when he needs to talk, but that you remind yourself of your own perspective many times and learn how to be a good listener without being affected by the person who needs to process.
This takes a little practice. However, there is a way to listen without interacting your own solutions, while remaining a distinct individual in your own right and not allowing the other person’s words and attitude and worries to affect you. It requires a type of distancing that does not affect the quality of your listening or your ability to be present and really hear the person who needs to do the talking.
If you remind yourself that you are simply “actively listening” to your spouse, that this will help him, then you will be able to separate your own thoughts and feelings from his.
With that said, make sure you do things that help you take care of yourself throughout the day, and regenerate yourself. Keep a journal and write down your goals and remind yourself of things you want to do to take care of you.
If you give yourself the time you need for your own regeneration, then you will be able to prevent yourself from becoming resentful of your husband’s needs. You can spend time with women friends who can support you and that you enjoy being with from time to time as this can help you regenerate as well.
If your anxious husband experiences you as optimistic, your attitude and energy will affect him in a positive way as long as it is not experienced as a denial of his own feelings. In other words, seek ways to validate his feelings and concerns, while remaining optimistic yourself.
By adopting these healthy and positive approaches you create a healthy and positive environment for your family. This will likely affect your husband in a positive way.
If his anxiety is so severe that it prevents him from functioning adequately, in that he is not able to work, or participate in everyday activities, then I would suggest that he tries psychotherapy. Anxiety disorders are common and easily treated by a trained therapist. He might also have some social anxiety, which if he becomes aware of, he can work on either by attending social events with you or by combining that with seeing a psychotherapist as well.
Try some of the suggestions that I mentioned here in this response. I pray they will be helpful to you. Let us know how things go from here.
Salam,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
