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Husband Abandoned Me; I’m Left with Two Children

20 February, 2018
Q Salam. 4 years ago, I met my husband whom now I am separated from. We've been through tough times; shortly after our first meeting, he spent 9 months in jail. Despite it, I still saw the best in him and continued to see him. Unfortunately, in May 2013, I had a miscarriage, and in December 2013 we split up as his parents found out about our relationship. He's Asian and I'm white. In 2014, we started to see each other again and I fell pregnant despite being on pills. His family didn't accept me and our baby even after I reverted to Islam and had our nikkah in July 2014. This tore me apart. Why am I not good enough? Why is my son not good enough for them? My son and I visited my in-laws with my husband, but I was spoken over, ignored, and looked down by my mother-in-law. I truly felt unwelcomed in their house. Later my sister-in-law had her baby and, of course, my in-laws were very happy about her, which broke my heart. I felt again my son was an outcast. Then my husband also moved back to his parents’ house and was at work day and night which didn’t help solve the problem. We were non-stop arguing and we even lost our home. I found a flat in another city and his parents would come to see our son. I found it very strange why they did this now when before they hated us. But they seemed they wanted to have a normal relationship with me and my son. My husband and I then decided to try and work things out, but he only came occasionally to spend the night with me. Sometimes, I haven’t seen him for weeks. He has issues with cocaine. In August 2015, I found out I'm pregnant again. I sought guidance from his mother as I didn’t want to have another ignored pregnancy and also because I hadn’t seen my husband for weeks. She told me, my husband, no longer lived with them and advised me to abort my kid as I couldn't bring another child into this mess we had. She said abortion was ok in Islam in such circumstances. I cried a lot as I had already lost one child; I couldn't take the life of another. A week later my husband contacted me. He was in the hospital because he had broken his back. I was devastated that no one had told me this. I also learned that he was, in fact, living at his parents’ home. I also figured out through the Internet that abortion was actually prohibited in Islam. so my mother-in-law lied to me! In October, my husband moved home again with us, but he continued his old habits. Soon he left again taking my car. He hasn’t seen his two kids for more than two weeks and when he calls he just shouts at me. I really need your guidance. How to divorce him and what's right for my children in such circumstances? Should they both be allowed to see their dad?

Answer

Aisha Mohammad
20 February, 2018

In this counseling answer:

“I would suggest dear sister that you speak with an imam you trust, engage family for moral support and encouragement as well as continuing on your path to seek a divorce. While Allah dislikes divorce, He also hates lying, drug abuse, racism, and a husband not fulling his responsibilities.”

As-Salamu ‘Alaykum dear sister,

I am so sorry to hear about your issues with your husband. As you know, in Islam, there is not an elevation of one over another because of ethnicity. What your in-laws are doing is not permissible.

It sounds as if you have been through a lot with this marriage and your husband’s family. Marriage is supposed to be a blessing and a comfort, but yours is not. It seems your husband is in and out of your and the children’s lives, is lying (according to you) and is possibly addicted to cocaine. His family appears to either be covering up for him or are ignoring the shortcomings of their son. While you did not mention any domestic violence issues, it appears that the situation could become violent any time, sister. It is not a good situation any way you look at it. None of this is acceptable in Islam.

I would kindly suggest that you seek the advice of your lawyer, in sha’ Allah, in regards to him seeing the children at this point as he appears to be unstable and uses drugs. While I am not sure what the options are in the UK, I know in some countries/states, judges make a man go through drug testing if there is a suspicion before deciding child visitation rights as it is a serious matter and detrimental to the children.

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My dear sister, you have every right to seek a divorce as you and the children are in a potentially dangerous situation and he is not supportive of you or the children.  Children should be brought up with love, with peace and harmony within the home and taught Islamic values. The learning of Islamic values also comes from the behaviors and habits that they see their parents display as children often model their parents’ behaviors.

I would suggest dear sister that you speak with an imam you trust, engage family for moral support and encouragement as well as continuing on your path to seek a divorce. While Allah dislikes divorce, He also hates lying, drug abuse, racism, and a husband not fulling his responsibilities.

Perhaps, your lawyer can request that your husband participates in drug rehabilitation as a condition for seeing the children. In sha’ Allah, this will “wake up” your husband to the seriousness of his behaviors and he will one day return to living his life as a Muslim. There is hope for everyone, but you must ensure you and your children are safe. This is the starting point.

Also, sister, please do get counseling for yourself as you have been through a lot. It would be beneficial, in sha ‘Allah. Stay close to Allah (swt) through prayer, reading Qur’an, and doing good deeds and dhikr.

Also, getting involved in activities at your masjid will provide you with great support and wonderful sisters to do things with. Getting your mind on positive things and Islamically up-building activities will help you through this transition.

We wish you the best sister, you are in our prayers. Please let us know how you are doing.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.