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How to Solve Intimacy Problems in Marriage

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jun 28, 2019

Question

Salaam. I hope this message finds you well. I have a question regarding a sensitive subject, and also one that is not easy to talk about due to its very nature.

I have been married to my lovely husband for 8 months now, and alhamdulillah I am happy with him. I chose my husband myself as my parents told me to look for someone, and I was pleased with him and his character. He is not what one might typically deem as good looking etc, but I love him endlessly. We get on so well together.

However, our sex life has now become an issue, and an obstruction really to our lives. He finds it very hard to not ejaculate fast, needs to always stop and take breaks, leaving me unsatisfied 90% of the time. I have been patient with it as I know it takes a while to get disciplined in. We have also addressed it between us and are both taking the necessary steps to make it better.

The thing that makes this worse is that he has what I feel is a small penis. This is something that I cannot speak to him about; I feel like it will hurt him, and feel guilty. But I feel doubly unsatisfied because of these reasons.

I have been reading and a lot of advice is that I should try and obtain pleasure in other ways, i.e my husband stimulates my clitoris, but I don’t find this helpful as I desire penetrative sex. Also, I find a lot of advice caters for men’s needs and desires but not women's as they are from male ustaadhs.

I live with his parents and his family is very big. Even though they are nice to me, they have very backdated ways of thinking and this has made my home life very difficult. I have to cook and clean for a large family with no help on top of my full-time job, and looking after my own elderly and sick parents.

Sex is the cherry on top for me and I feel like I am now stuck. I am not getting any sort of pleasure from my marriage. I do not know what to do. Praying and making dua will not get me to be sexually satisfied, but I continue to pray. I’m torn as I want to be with my husband but these issues are pulling me away from him.

What is your advice? I hope to hear from you soon.

Counselor

Answer


How to Solve Intimacy Problems in a Marriage

In this counseling answer:

• I kindly suggest that you and your husband spend more time together exploring your intimacy on a more creative level.

• It’s very important to assure him that you love him, that you’re attracted to him, that he makes you feel good in bed and that he turns you on.

• Learning how to be intimate does take some time and patience.


As Salaam Alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing in with your most important and common concerns. You have been married to your husband for 8 months now, and you’re very happy with him (with one exception). You stated that you chose your own spouse and you’re very pleased with his character and you love him very much. Additionally, you both get along very well.

Sexual Issues

The issue that you have brought to our attention is a relatively common issue with newly married couples and others who are going through different life changes. You state that your sex life isn’t enjoyable because he ejaculates quickly during lovemaking. You also stated that you understood that it takes time for a man to get disciplined and learn how to control his ejaculation. Unfortunately, this leaves you unsatisfied 90% of the time.

As far as penis size is concerned you stated that you feel that he has a small penis. Whether this is true or not, it is an issue for you now so it should be addressed. Sister, it may be something that can be resolved via techniques, positions as well as time.

How to Solve Intimacy Problems in Marriage - About Islam

A lot of sexual pleasure a woman feels comes from the clitoris as you know. Some say the size of a man’s penis does not matter as the clitoral stimulation is what counts. However, there are others who feel the bigger the better.

I guess it’s just an individual choice. You desire to feel the full vagina intercourse which in sha’Allah can be attained over time with your body adapting to his as well as utilizing different techniques and positions. I really would not recommend telling him this as yes, it would hurt his feelings and it would make him very self-conscious. As he is currently working on trying to build up his ejaculation time in order to better please you, this would be devastating.

Learning, Education & Creativity

Insha’Allah, sister, once you both get into a good sexual groove that is consistent and satisfying for you both, his penis size will no longer bother you. According to Medical News Today, “A 2015 study found the average erect penis length to be just over 5 inches (13.12 cm). Some women may report discomfort if their sexual partner has a penis that is larger than average” and regarding vagina’s”the average depth of a vagina is about 3.77 inches, which is 9.6 centimeters (cm). Medical News Today also reported that “the average erect penis is about 33 percent longer than the average vagina. While both penis and vagina sizes can vary, these organs can usually accommodate each other.”


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Sister, it’s evident that he’s trying to learn how to control his ejaculation by taking breaks, stopping and then insha’Allah continuing in your lovemaking. This is indicative of somebody who cares, one who is seeking to please his wife, as well as train his body to respond appropriately to a new experience. Sister, you have only been married for 8 months. It is not a long time and combined with all the responsibility you have, please insha’Allah be patient.

I kindly suggest that you and your husband spend more time together exploring your intimacy on a more creative level. Make it a point to utilize online resources or read books to get tips on how to enhance your lovemaking as well as additional techniques for gaining control over ejaculation. There is a lot of good information out there, however just be careful to only go on sites that are reputable and well known such as WebMD, etc.

It seems as if your husband is really willing to learn, and is trying to gain control over-rapid ejaculation. It’s a very common problem among men especially men who are not used to having sex. It does take some time and it does take some patience. As you both get to know each other’s bodies, emotions, what feels good, what doesn’t -you will soon acclimate to each other’s needs and be able to attain an excellent sexual relationship insha’Allah. As you both love each other very much, I am sure you will find creative, sensual ways of satisfying each other (you mainly) until he can build up the stamina to last for long periods of time. Please do be patient with him, sister!

There are many ways to meet to be intimate and to please one another. You just have to get creative, open and do all things in a loving way. Again, there are different books that are not haram that can help with methodology creativity and enhance intimate experiences if you don’t already know. One book that is written by a Muslim woman for Muslim women is The Muslimah Sex Manual: A Halal Guide to Mind-Blowing Sex by Umm Muladhat.

An article in Cosmopolitan magazine, which is mostly halal and offers good tips for women, is:  “Do You Have What It Takes to Conquer This 30-Day Sex Challenge? One month. Two people: Thirty days of boning”. When you said that “I find a lot of advice caters for mens needs and desires but not women’s as they are from male ustaadhs” you were absolutely right! I did not find much, we need to change that.

A suggestion I would like to make in regards to communication is that it’s very important to assure him that you love him, that you’re attracted to him, that he makes you feel good in bed and that he turns you on. Often times when husbands’ hear these things, it makes them try harder to please you in bed, extend foreplay as well as ensure that you are sexually satisfied. This works towards your advantage and well as the relationship over-all.

Over-Whelming Responsibilities

Regarding your family responsibilities, you have a lot to do, sister. Alhamdulillah his parents are very nice to you. While I’m not sure how many of his family members live there,  it seems to me that everybody should help out. This would mean his sisters and his sisters-in-law would help cook and clean and take care of his parents, not just you. As you work full time, are newly married, you are looking after your own elderly, sick parents and trying to run a large household-that is a lot of responsibility. While there is no Islamic law that says you have to help take care of his parents, it is a blessing and a good thing that you do. May Allah reward you. But again don’t overlook your own parents who you are obligated to take care of when they’re sick. You do need to reduce your workload though insha’Allah.

Sister, I suggest that you speak to your husband about this. In sha’Allah, write a schedule for your daily activities to include work, taking care of your parents, spending time with your husband, Islamic obligations, as well as cooking, cleaning at home with his parents. Show your husband the schedule and explain to him that you love him and his family, but would appreciate help from his siblings. Ask him if they could help with some of the tasks.   Insha’Allah, he will understand and speak to his siblings.

When living in an extended family situation, it is always the best when everybody helps out, and not just one person is responsible for all. As you are new to the family it may be that they think you just want to do it all, or maybe it is expected.  In either case, you do want to help out as much as you can but at the same time, you don’t want to run yourself down with all of the work and responsibilities that you do have.

Conclusion

Insha’Allah sister, be patient with your husband concerning intimacy, he is learning as you are too. Explore ways in which you can achieve satisfaction with him; be creative and make it something fun to look forward to it will build closeness.  Speak to your husband about all of your responsibilities, seeking an option for other family members to help out. Keep a sight on the fact that you have found a wonderful husband but like every other relationship-nothing is perfect. All couples have things to work through. Insha’Allah with effort and prayer, things will begin to get better once these issues are resolved.

Amen,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

I Want More Intimacy, but He Says He’s Tired

Ten Tips for Better Intimacy Between Spouses

I Feel My Husband Doesn’t Desire Me

 




About Aisha Mohammad

Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word poetry projects.

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